CANDI'S CONFESSIONS

The Beginning

I sit on the edge of my bed staring at the television thinking of all the things that I messed up in the past two months. I get up and walk to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. I wash away the tears and stare at myself in the mirror. In the beginning I had friends and a family and dreams but now it had all disappeared. I had everything but felt like nothing. I stopped talking to my friends though they continued to text and talk to me but I hadn't the heart to talk back. Everyday I would feel worse than they day before like I had an broken heart. I walk out of the bathroom and sit in the special corner I had reserved for when I felt like this. I held my head in my hands and cried. I cried for the people I let down. Cried for the mistakes I made, the pain I caused others, the pain I caused myself, but mostly I cried from the heart ache. I raise my head and look at my bed my laptop was open and a copy of the book I typed November 3rd was pulled up. I stared at it for a while through teary eyes. There was no doubt that I had writer's block but all this time staring at the pages and pages I'd typed I felt as if there was something else wrong. Something I was missing and it hurt. I lay my head against the wall and stare at my arm the marks of mistakes made years ago linger. The memories flood back and I push them out my head. Sometimes I think everything would be better if I wasn't here. No not everything everyone.

weeks earlier.....

I lay on the bed looking up at the ceiling waiting for her to text back. Smiling remembering the conversation we were having. I get an alert telling me I've got a new message.

Can I tell you something?

Sure

No never mind

:( you can't ask me if you can ask me something then not ask me.

But I'm scared

Of what?

Of what you might say how you might react.

Well you don't have anything to worry about I promise everything will be okay.

Okay well here it goes I guess.

Yay

I like you alot will you be my girlfriend....?

Even though I didn't like her in that way for some reason I said yes. After that I felt weird when I talked to her. I didn't have the heart to tell her no I don't have the heart to tell anyone no really. But know that I think about it I should have because if I would have told her no then maybe she wouldn't have been heartbroken when I had a friend break up our "relationship" because I was too scared to. Maybe she wouldn't have said I was the reason she cut herself maybe she would have loved herself more than she "loved" me. I don't know about the heartbroken part of any of that stuff but I do know that if I would of never said yes then she wouldn't have those horrid scars on her arms.

Everyday I have to live with the fact that I broke someone down made them feel so bad that they cut themselves all because of me. I guess you could have said I was more heartbroken than her. Not because I loved her but because I disappointed yet another person. I get up and walk to my bed and throw my phone and tablet on the floor then I throw myself on my bed. My bed of self pity that night I dreamt of the person I really loved but who wasn't ready for our friendship to be something more. That night I dreamt of Erin.

I don't really recall how I met Erin and I don't really care. I had always seen her around here and there but never really said anything I just watched her. Like an animal stalking their prey. Around the middle of that current school year I was having "problems" so I changed my schedule to avoid certain "issues". That's when I had more classes with Erin other than our 3rd period advanced class we now had language arts together. I remember the first day I had that class she was the first one in there. I sulked in and sat in the corner way back in the back of the class next to the light switch. When class started she took her seat she sat no more than two feet away from me. And next to her sat Laney. Laney was Erin's friend they stuck together I saw them as sisters while everyone secretly thought they were more than that. I guess me being different and knowing Larry Laney's boyfriend made me a part of their little group of people. Because that same day my classes were changed Erin invited me to have lunch with her and Dylan. I didn't say much though I hardly do in class I just sat thinking why invite me to sit with you guys? I've never once said hi to you, but yet you ask me to join you. I didn't know it then but in the next two weeks there'd be a connection between everyone I knew.