Obviously

pink satin interior

his lips were... are a soft baby pink, but red from our rough exchange.

that's the colour i want inside my maple casket.

a light pink.

10 months in, i had revised and rewritten my will and my list so many times. it looked like a chicken got it's toes dipped in ink and went wild on my paper.

to start anew.

i opened to a new page in my book.

"dear mom and dad,

it must truly pain you to read this, but do not blame yourself, or taehyung. all of this was of mine own accord. all my clothes are to stay with taehyung. i want my big teddy bear, the one i got for my first christmas to be buried with me. don't ask why, i just do. i own nothing else. everything i have at tae's is his now. i love you. not even my death can dispute that fact.

- Love, Jungkook."

by rope.
by fire.
by car.

by rope.
by car.

by car.

after a whole year, an entire year of us still being half in love.

we fought.

a serious fight.

he hit me.

i hit him.

he hit me.

we kissed.

we fucked.

dysfunctional.

i called hoseok.

i walked in a daze, unsure of where i was going exactly, only where i was heading.

my head hurt so bad, just a stress headache.

i walked across a busy intersection.

dark.

silence.

finally.

bright.

finally.

beeping.

beeping?

it didn't... work.

hoseok was talking, it sounded like a whisper.

'thank something you are okay!' he said.
'they tried calling taehyung from your cellphone but he didn't answer... that fucking--' he said.
'your mom and dad are on a cruise and can't exactly turn that around...' he said.
'but they called me third and i came here as fast as i could.' he said.

'hoseok. you don't understand. i was so happy.' i whisper-choked.
'water, please.' i said.

he helped me drink a small cup of water.

'thank you. i was so happy. i thought-- i was dying.' i said.

'i know. i feel bad you had to live through that.' he said.

i am so confused by this. i thought he loved me. wouldn't he want me alive?

oh. i understand.

love. if someone you love is unhappy, you'd want them to be happy.

death was my happy.

1 year and 1 month later, tae and i finally broke up. he was happy with jimin, i was broken, but safer with hoseok.

2 years later and hoseok and i were a happy couple. we moved in, got a dog. the works.

but.

taehyung had come back into my life.

we worked at the same place.

there was no escape.

he talked to me with his smooth, deep voice.

we fucked in the bathroom.

not once, not twice, not 3 times.

10 times over the course of a 5 day work week.

we started to be friends.

my heart ached.

by rope.

i wrote my will again.

taehyung and i weren't even ment to be friends. it all goes down hill. we started dating again. secretly. i felt horrible.

5 months into our secret relationship, it was back to the way we were 5 months in last time.

by rope.

hoseok found my list. i explained everything. i cried. he cried. he wasn't mad. he understood me. he understood why i did what i did. i hated myself for it. hate myself for it. he didn't deserve what i did to him. i didn't deserve him.

by rope.

that very week i told hoseok i was going to do it to be happy.

tae and i met in the workplace restroom one more time. hoseok and i spent romantic evenings together followed by loud, hot, passionate sex. i had noticed i wanted sex more than food.

all the more reason.

on that following saturday while hoseok was at work, i tied up the rope using instructions i found online.

i tied it to the staircase banister. i threw myself over.

that was it.

it was done.

i was done.

i hung around (pardon my pun) until hoseok came home.

he let small, silent tears fall, but he smiled. i smiled with him. he knew i was finally happy.

he picked up the phone and called 911.

'i-i-i i just came h-home from work and... and my b-b-boyfriend has...' he said, putting on an act.

'he th-threw himself over the staircase r-railing and now... he is just hanging there...'

he listened on the phone for a few more seconds before hanging up.

he took me down from my hanging place and set me on the couch.

'thank you for everything and for whatever i did for you, you're welcome.' he said.

i left after that.

i only observed the living after to see my funeral.

hoseok got me my maple casket with the light pink satin.

white carnations as i told him i wanted a week prior.

and my teddy bear was with me.

it was perfect.

my parents weren't sad. hoseok explained everything to them. they understood.

taehyung showed up at my funeral. drunk. i shrugged.

i have no regrets though. none. i can't explain why i did what i did and why i'm okay with it all, but i did and i am.

to elaborate:

my name is jeon jungkook.
i killed myself, but my heart had been previously murdered.
being a teenager sucks.
don't do what i did.
live happily and if something seems doomed from the start, it probably is.

obviously.