we're all dolls here

ch.1

i find it quite entertaining to watch the facades people put on when they are in public places. increasingly different when they're alone.

autumn, 1/2/14, 3:45 a.m.

i never liked the idea of pretending, but that was the only constant in my childhood. my whole family did it, i will admit i do so too but in a completely different sense.

"sissy the bus is here, i'll race you!" my little sisters enthusiasm never ceased to amaze me. she always had so much energy, and i got a migraine and nauseous just from sitting up in my bed before my eyes truly opened.  summer had always been this way, she was always happy or seemed to be, i was the only one that knew that she felt the same as me but in a 12 year old sense. pretending starts at a young age for some.

she was off by the time i had zoned back into present times. i lagged behind just in case, so i didnt hinder her sense of false confidence.

"i beat you again! you need to practice." her eyes looked happy with sadness glistening in the middle if the sun hit her tan freckled cheeks at the right angle.

"promise." i always said this, and followed through with nothing. i averted my eyes to the bus windows as i followed her up the steps and into the bus.

"promise what?" she slid into her seat with a girl i failed to remember the name of, her eyes still longed for a meaningful, truthful answer.

"i promise that i'll be better" her face dropped for a second almost, unnoticeable if you weren't focused on what she was feeling. she was already a pro at fixing herself after a small slip. a soft smile was my signal to leave as she turned to her friend and started a conversation about their homework from last night.

at this point everything i said had an alternate meaning. the bus could be called my safe haven. i loved the idea of having the same routine everyday, no changes or interruptions and that's exactly the kind of organization i needed at 6:45 in the morning.

the school was fuller than usual, my books were likely to be toppled over by a dysfunctional underclassmen at any moment now.

"hey autumn" a boy with with a tired smile and a baggy flannel looked down at me. i absolutely despised being looked down at but it was kind of inevitable with my height being a whopping 5'5 .

"hey asher, you look a little less worse than usual." his smile dropped for a millisecond before returning to its normal structure.

"always so welcoming. just like the season"

"you know i hate it when you bring the season into it." i poked at his arm, while his tired smile got a little less tired.

"but you also know that everyone loves the beautiful and tranquil season that most definitely is autumn"

i could tell he liked me and i hated the idea of that even being slightly true. he deserved someone who was actually okay, and not just pretending to be. he needed someone who knew their path in life, or at least had an idea. i had nothing, i didnt even want to make it to my twenties.

this is where his failed attempt at a wink always took place, i watched intensely at his left eye closing more than the right, the right still managing to close at the same time as the left causing his nose to scrunch from frustration.

" you know scrunching up your nose isn't going to make you able to wink" his mouth formed a straight line then his lower lip popped out just a little, "whatever, you suck"

every time i was in near proximity to him, time seemed to move at a steady pace rather than dragging on for what seemed like a life time.

we took our seats in the beloved class of chemistry just as the bell rang, restraining everyone into their seats, while the usual stranglers wondered in aimlessly and look their seats soon after.

ashers voice was mere background noise as i gazed out the window. the horizon was all mountains, with sun barely peeking from behind, the sky a pinkish, but ocean blue color. the gunnison river could be vividly seen winding through the mountains as well. it was a beautiful scene and it never seemed to lose my interest no matter how many times my eyes wandered to it. the views had always been Colorado's vocal point.

i remember when everything was bearable. looking out onto beautiful things always evoked memories. i had always loved beautiful things, as a kid you could've found me sitting in my window with either a book or a journal trying to gain a peace of mind at age 10. my family was tolerable then too, they didnt pretend, never hid things. we actually genuinely did stuff as a family sometimes, like vacations or family walks down in castle wood canyon state park. but now those are just memories, nothings the same.

"so autumn, how do the mountains look? you could probably tell me every detail considering you've been analyzing them for the past 30 minutes." not even a second had passed before i felt the red spread across my cheeks even though i was determined to get through the whole day without a single tear being shed.

my throat croaked at the word sorry many times before it actually arranged itself into making the proper sound, "sorry" my eyes were strictly focused on the brown and tan tiles beneath my feet. i felt everyone's eyes boring into my already heated flesh.

"no, tell me what you saw, i bet it was very intriguing"

asshole. asshole.asshole. i felt the tears pricking at my eyes and coughed trying to force them back and keep them there.  my eyes were still trained to the floor, i could feel the sweat multiplying into more and more salted droplets as they rushed down my forehead and onto my shirt.

"autumn?" i knew it was asher but i was failing to comprehend anything at this point. my hands were trembling at terrifying speeds, mr. elridges glare didnt stop and neither did anyone else's. too many eyes.

"autumn!" i looked up just before all the feeling went away. asher was lunging toward me knowing he wasn't going to stop it in time. finally peace and quiet for awhile i thought as everything  started to fade out into nothing.

help was the last thing i wanted.