Rants and stuff

Emotions

I'm not good when it comes to serious emotions. I'm rather terrible actually, and for someone who doesn't know how it is it might not seem like a big deal, but it actually is.

I'm the kind of person who hates to talk about my feelings and what's bothering me, and never ever can I actually tell a person that they are making me sad/angry/annoyed. That's just a big no for me and it actually sucks a whole lot.

I'm sad, like a lot, and I can't even remember the last time I told any of my friends that. They don't know that I've been sad for over a year now, neither do my parents, nor my teachers, because they don't care enough to see.

I sit alone at night or at day or after dinner or as the world is ending and hell is freezing over and I feel terrible and sad and tired, but I never share it with anyone. I don't know why, maybe it's because I don't want to seem like I'm just after attention, or maybe I just don't want to seem weak, but it just doesn't seem appealing to me to tell someone about my problems and I just feel so fucking alone.

I could say that I feel like I'm the only one who feels this way, that it seems as if everyone around me has best friends they share everything with, but that would be a huge ass lie. I look around me and I see other lonely people, but what I also see is that there's a reason why they're alone. Either it's because people find them annoying, or boring, and that makes me wonder, what's wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to be the person another mutual can share their problems with? Am I annoying? Am I boring? Maybe I should just shut up completely?

Now that I'm writing this I actually remember the last time I shared my feelings. PE is a huge challenge for me sometimes, because it's just another place where I feel like I'm anything but good enough, and once we had gymnastics which I refuse to do whatsoever and I just suddenly felt really bad so I just walked out and I went to our school nurse. I told her about how PE actually was a huge challenge for me both mentally and physically and I started crying and told her about how I didn't really have motivation to do anything anymore and so she talked to my PE teacher and nothing really got better, but eventually I just truly gave up trying to find help in others.

I've given up on trying to find help in myself too, and now life just consists of doing the things I absolutely have to and fill up the other hours with sleep. I'm trying to see if things can actually get better without me having to do anything about my problems, and so far it hasn't worked, but I'm hoping it will soon.

I have everything bottled up and I fear that it's too late to look for comfort in others now, I don't even know why I'm constantly sad anymore, life just sucks and if someone asks me why I would either stare blankly into the air because I don't know what to say or I'll start talking and talking and talking about everything until they get tired and leave, or try to convince me that their life is worse, because that's the thing about us humans. We're selfish. We're selfish, greedy bastards and there's nothing to do about it.

Sometimes I want to talk to someone and I'm scared they'll look at me as an attention seeker, and other times I don't want to seem weak. I like to believe I've built up a pretty strong character for myself, a character that is either laughing, being grumpy or being emotionless. Not one that shows sadness.

I'm not trying to say that I'm sad all the time, because sometimes with my friends I'm happy and I laugh, but that doesn't mean that everything is suddenly okay. I just forget about everything for a couple of minutes and then it's back to normal once i feel alone or actually is alone.

So most of all I guess I feel lonely. Maybe I'm sad because I'm facing every god damned challenge here in life alone, and I know it's my fault and my fault only, but it's hard to accept that I only have me to blame. I want to blame it on someone else, but if I hadn't been so weak to begin with, those people wouldn't have affected me and made me this way.

I'm sorry this is so messed up and all over the place, but it's one am and I suddenly felt sad as fuck and I needed to get it out. I cried while writing this but it actually helped because now I feel slightly better, and I guess that's what this rant book is for, to help me share my feelings,

so this is me sharing me feelings.