Rants and stuff

When I grow up

What do you want to be when you grow up?

This is a question I've been asked a lot, especially the last couple of months. In under six months I have to decide which school I want to attend for the next three years, and that choice will pretty much affect my entire life. People are constantly asking what school I'm going to, what I want to study, what I want to be when I grow up. The question I get the most is the last one.

If you asked me this when I was a little kid I would have replied, "hairdresser," because it was as simple as that back then. My mother was a hairdresser, and therefore I found the job interesting and it seemed like something I wanted to do. My mother has now told me several times that she doesn't want me to become a hairdresser because I can do much better, but it's okay, because that dream died a long time ago.

If you asked me four years ago I would have said, "singer," because singing was, and still is, a great passion of mine. Singing had become like oxygen to me, if I have to go a long time without being able to sing I will feel like I'm suffocating. I'm saying this out of experience from when I visited my family for three weeks a year ago and was constantly surrounded by people, and as a person with little to no self-esteem there was no way I would sing out loud for them, so I didn't get to sing much, and I can tell you that I have never been happier to be by myself and just sing my lungs out. Again, this dream has more or less died over the years bc of reasons I'm coming back to later.

If you asked me a year ago it would depend on who you were. If you were some grown up I would say something that would make you happy and impressed, like lawyer or therapist, but if you were someone I trusted (like my parents) I would perhaps tell you the truth, that I wanted to be an author, or a comedian, or an actress. But most of the people I trusted (like my parents) would tell me that I should put those dreams aside and hold onto the dream of becoming a lawyer, because that's all that matters, right? To do a job you don't like just because you have potential.

If you asked me yesterday, I would have shrugged and told you I didn't know, and that still needed time to figure it out. I didn't have many dreams left and the ones I had I didn't believe in myself, and what is a dream without faith? It's nothing. All motivation had left my body, and I just wanted to get through life as quickly as possible and just get it over with. The thought of having to choose education already stressed the shit out of me, and all my friends are leaving town because they're tired of it, and I am too but I don't want to leave because I'm scared of moving on. I don't like changes. It took me maybe a year to not cry after every time my brother went back to his own place in another town after he had moved out to go to college. I got just as sad each time and I would cry, and sometimes I still cry after he leaves, because my brother is the best person I know and I don't like being away from him, but it's life, and life only has one goal: to fuck us all over. 

Unfortunately, I'm stuck in the golden age of changes. At the age I'm on now everything is constantly changing, and I can't handle it. I don't even like the friends I have right now, but the thought of having to say goodbye to all of them in less than a year makes me want to lay down and cry forever, because I don't like changes. Do you know how much more stressful life gets when you're like this? The answer is a whole fucking lot.  I hate visiting my family in Iran, because the entire time I think about when we have to leave them again, and I don't want to leave. It's really hard saying goodbye to a family with 30+ members and knowing that you won't see them for at least two years. About a year ago after we visited the last time and my uncle was sick it suddenly hit me that it could be my last time seeing some of them. Something terrible could happen to them within those two years and they could be gone forever, and you should have seen how much I cried for like three days straight. Man, those were some rough days.

If you ask me today, I still won't know what I want to work as or what I want to study, but I can tell you what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be happy. Up until today I thought I wanted to be successful, but if you're happy you're pretty damn successful in my opinion, so that's it. I want to be happy. This is one of the reasons I don't want to be a singer anymore, because I see how these singers struggle with their mental health, meaning they're unhappy, and I don't want that. It doesn't matter where I end up. 

I just want to be happy.

Once again I'm not going to read through this. I cried while writing and I'm sure I'll start crying while reading so no. I don't know if this makes sense, I don't care tbh, I just needed to write this down somewhere. If you read this, thank you ily, and if you didn't I don't have anything to say bc you're not reading this anyways. 

So, what do you want to be when you grow up?