Winds of change.

Inner darkness.

I want to make clear that with this chapter I'm not promoting self-harm or depression, it is just a story. If you are going through something hard, you can feel free to go and talk to me, I promise I will do the best I can. Stay alive.

As you know I was in a new school, with two new members in my family. As you know too I'm fatty. I have ever got a problem with it, I always think that what worth it is how you are, not your fucking sice. But most of the people of this world are not as okay with it as me, like my mom.

My relationship with my mom is a bit complicated, I love her, so much, I really would give my life for her to be happy. But the problem is that I'm not sure that she love's me back, I'm her daughter and she is supposed to love me, but she doesn't show it.

She is always saying mean things, like I remember one day we were buying a new oven to my grandma. In that times I didn't have a cellphone, so I rounded everywhere I went with my favorite book in my hands. That day my mom get close to me.

- Why are you taking that book with you here? You don't need it, I'm tired of seeing you with that book, like if you need the book to give you company.

I almost cry in front of all the store. Maybe I did needed the company of something loved, I love that book as I love my mom, but the book was there for me, she wasn't. She is never there for me, she is there for Lexy, Lexy and Leila, but not for me. Deep inside I think she love's me, but for some crazy reason she never show it.

She have do the impossible for making me lose weight, I don't want to be thin becose of her, I want to do it for me. I think that she'll love me (more?) when I'm skinny, and that's sick. I want her to love me like this, as I am.

Well, besides of my family issues, I was bullied in school as a kid, I was really lonely, as you might remember. And I still am, I have no father and a boy I loved left me for something better. We have two mirror breaks so far, and here's the split that almost break my mirror completely, in many little pieces.

I don't think that it was exactly the fact that I change my school that changed me, it was all this bad things together that finally could break it all up. When I enter to Mr. Logue I haved the first spoor of depression.

My classmates wasn't that bad, it's just that in my dark head everything was horrible.

Explaining this is not easy, I'll try my best. The first day everything was in the clouds, like if I was dreaming it. That school was so different than mine that it was like my brain ignored it as reality. And when I opened my eyes I was in home, remembering almost anything about that morning. I was confused, it was too many changes in one shot. My mom married, then pregnant; my grandpa sick, then my grandma sick; Bridget runaway and get married, her parents send her with her sister in another city, Roguer and Katy's city; I go from school to a new one, that it's like a different galaxy. Everything came too fast for me to assimilate it. I'm not good in change's, I take a while to get used to them as I take my time to get used to new people for showing the real me. So my theory is that with all that I get a longer time to be the real me again.

When I was in 'Depression mood' I was angry and quiet, It was harder to get up or listening to another person, and I get distracted easily. Like if you slept more hours than usual, when you get up you became a zombie with pijamas. Like that is how I felt when I was feeling bad, everything tastes the same, you see no sense on walking, or smiling, or eating, or breathing. Everything is black and white.

When I get depressed anybody noticed, my friends, classmates, family or Dona. For them I was still the same, becose I never show it. The only change I can't hide is that I get mad at everything and fight a lot or get jealous. That happened a few times with Dona, she told me ones that my music taste is 'Too pink' like Katy Perry or Ariana Grande, It's not, I have a really dark music taste, look for Bullet from Hollywood Undead and you'll see. I get angry and yell at her and we didn't talked for two days.

In that moment the only depression demon that I haved was the self-hate (I'm useless, nobody never notice me, I'm ugly, etc.) And the mental suicide, when you think about dead all the time and you think you actually deserve to die. When I was in eighth grade all people in my class knew that Heidy was depressed, she used to cut her arms, and takes her blades with her everywhere. I never understood why she does that to herself, until I was in the same situation.

After the mental suicide comes the void, it's the most horrible piece of being depressed. You literally feel nothing, no sadness or happiness or peace, nothing, you can't even cry when you want to, you have to stand there feeling the pain, and you can't let it out. Marina Diamandis describe it in a song, 'In the valley of the dolls we sleep, got a hole inside of me.' That is like how it feels, like a giant hole in your chest. I even was hours stand in one place just staring at a three or something, and I didn't felt the hours going on, like if I'm numb.

I was so desperate for feeling something, that one day when I was in the shower, I taked the razor, put it in my arm and closed my eyes.

- You can do this.- I repeated in my head.- You are strong enough. 1... 2... 3...

I slide the three blades slowly in my skin, I started to feel a spark of pain in my arm, it felt so good, I was finally feeling something. But then I regret it, it was like a circle: Cut, relive, regret, cut, relive, regret. I never haved a vice on it, I could make the month without cutting with no problem, but I always have space for one more.

No one ever notice it, of course. I didn't hided them, becose it wasn't deep cuts and they were not many. I stopped with time, I wasn't tightened to it.

The cuts was not the important thing, the important thing was the mental suicide, that's the one that kills you. I was always thinking of how my suicide would be, sleeping pils like Electra Heart, a single letter to every person I care about. I imagine the expression in their faces when they knew about my dead, and in this point, I have thinking about it so much that it doesn't make me feel anything anymore.

One day, my mom yelled at me, she said that I can't do anything right, that I'm just stuck in the middle. All I had done was stopping cleaning for five seconds for listening to music, I went to the bathroom and close the door, my knees falled to the ground while I was trying to silence my cry. I was already feeling that way, but now I have the confirmation. And the fact that the one who said that was mom just break my heart in many pieces. I looked up, there was a chain in the roof holding the shower curtain. I knew how to take it off. Y get the two sticks out, the chain was the only thing there. I was right behind the chain, my neck was in the perfect place, now all I needed was to jump.