Xander's Love

Chapter eighteen

"Morning!!" I jumped up from the bed and sat up to see Dedra dressed and in my room.
"Um... Hi" I looked over to the clock, it's fucking 7 in the morning.
"Can I get more sleep?" I groaned and sank back into the bed.
"Nope. The ringing in your head is only going to get worst"
"Really?"
"The ringing is the voices around you but you can't control them down to one at a time so your brain becomes overwhelmed"
"Okay. Okay. I'm up."

I sat on the floor across from Dedra on the floor in front of my bed.
"We start by mediating. To read minds, yours must be at peace" she closed her eyes and I did the same. It felt like forever we were sitting down with our eyes closed. I wonder if Xander is awake.
"Alice" I opened my eyes and Dedra was frowning at me.
"What?" I laughed.
"Stop thinking about him"
"I'm sorry"
"You worry too much about him and this is only going to cause your training to take longer" I cleared my throat and tried to return to a state of seriousness. I let my thoughts wander to peaceful things like the forest or the snow that was long gone now. My mind became more focused.

I've never been so happy.....

I opened my eyes and looked at Dedra.
"Was that you?"
"Nope" she kept her eyes closed. Did I just read someone's mind? Who's thoughts were that? I closed my eyes and focused once more.

I can really be myself around Anna....

Oh my god, that's Caleb! I'm reading his mind!!
"I can do it!" I laughed.
"Don't get cocky, if you try to focus too fast without the proper guidelines, you will overwhelm your mind again" Dedra had lost her giddy persona but I understand why. This power wasn't something to play with. It was serious.
"Sorry...." I shrunk my head down. She placed a hand on my shoulder.
"Maybe it's time to get breakfast" she smiled.
"What time is it?" I looked over and it was 9 already.

"I love your pancakes!" Anna laughed as she stuffed her face with Eva's legendary pancakes.
"Thank you, Anna" Eva said flipping over a pancake. Caleb rubbed away some syrup from Anna's face with such love. She kissed him sweetly and he smiled and returned the kiss. They were already in love. Jealously rolled off of my body and all I could think was that's all I asked of Xander. His love. And yet I haven't gotten it and we've been together longer than them. I heard a loud crack and looked down at my plate I was holding that was broken right down the middle. I caught everyone's attention in the kitchen. My face felt hot from embarrassment. Eva came over to me and took hold of the broken plate and as I released my grip, blood dripped to the floor.
"I'm sorry" I said as I walked over to the sink.
"It's okay, sweetie" I grabbed a wet rag and cleaned the blood from the floor.
"I'm not really hungry, excuse me" I grabbed my sweater from the closet and headed outside.

The spring air was cool and refreshing, shame I can't enjoy it because of some asshole. I heard the screen door open and Julian came out. He took a seat next to me but didn't say a word. Which I appreciated. We sat in silence and I enjoyed his company.
"I wish I had some words of comfort" he finally spoke.
"It's okay, I don't believe anyone could really comfort me right now"
"Except.... Xander" Yup. Except him. But yet before that infuriating man could bring me any comfort, I'd have to confront him first about this bullshit.
"Is he hiding from me?"
"I'm not sure. No one has said anything to him after you left which drove him mad. But I have a feeling he's been ease dropping and caught on"
"You think he's upset?"
"It would seem so. He's been here and there. Maybe you should talk to him"
"I was going to wait till he was ready" Julian turned to face me and got real serious.
"Alice, have you met Xander?"  It was a rhetorical question of knowing the real Xander. Who's extremely stubborn. I sighed. He's right, Xander has too much self pride and ego to ever be the first to talk.
"Yeah I'll talk to him" I got up and headed back inside. Others were in the kitchen eating and I just felt sick as I walked up the stairs.

I put a hand up to knock and the door opened immediately before I could. I came face to face with Xander who was shirtless and only in gym shorts that hugged his hips so slightly that his v-line was still noticeable. I felt very parched suddenly.
"Alice..."
"I came to talk" I Interrupted. He said nothing but nodded and opened the door wider for me. I sat down on the edge of the bed and waited for him to join me but instead he sat down on the lounge chair in the corner across. I kept my hands on my thighs and took a deep breath in.
"Xander why have you been avoiding me?" He ran a hand through his hair.
"Goddamn it!!! Stop doing that!" I yelled. Xander stopped and dropped his hand in shock.
"I'm sorry" he whispered.
"Please for the love of God, tell me what's wrong?" I pleaded.
"What's the point? You're leaving soon"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you are a wise one now, too good to be with someone like me" I finally understood. Xander found out and believed I would leave him for the council. He is so naive because only if he knew the truth.
"Xander, I'm not leaving" his eyes brightened at my words but then dropped again.
"But you have to go"
"No I don't, I was given a choice. Dedra is here to teach me not steal me away" fuck....I felt the pain creeping up on me. The ringing... I got up as fast as I could and ran out the room to look for Dedra. I was so close to the stairs when the ringing blared through my head causing me to drop to my knees.
"Dedra!!!!" I yelled in agony. In a sped Dedra was right next to me and sank to the ground. She moved my hands away from my ears and placed hers. I cried once more before I felt the pain ease away. My body slowly began to relax and I looked down at my bloody hands. I saw Xander standing a foot away from me concern on his face. Eva showed up with a rag.
"Thank you" she nodded and I took the rag from her hands.
"It's never happened a day after another"
"It's usually when you're around those with clouded thoughts" Dedra said before helping me up. Xander. The moment I came home, the pain returned with a fury.
"Why does that happen?"
"Your mind doesn't have an off switch right now, that's what I'm trying to teach you. So without thinking your power is on full force trying to read every mind in the room especially clouded ones. The pain is the thoughts."

Dedra recommended I take a nap before going out to feed since it had been awhile now.
"It's him, isn't it?" I asked while dressing in more comfortable clothes.
"Alice, he seems upset about this whole ordeal. His thoughts aren't straight"
"Have you read his mind?" I said with a more aggressive tone. It was just disrespectful to do such a thing.
"I did but only after what happened earlier. I needed to know why you had one after another and its him"
"What did you read?"
"I won't say exactly but he doesn't know what he wants" ouch... Talk about a blow to the chest. I knew all along I wanted him and he doesn't even know? What about all those times together? What about Tucson?

Where's the Xander I feel in love with?