One Last Time (ManxMan)√

One Last Time - 3

I cough loudly and painfully, covering my mouth with my hand, once it stops I look down, swallowing, the familiar metallic taste assaults my taste buds and I gag and move to the bathroom, I wash my hands and my mouth. I start to pant, trying to fill my lungs with air as my air tubes seem to close up. I cough.

"Fuck! "I rasp and they seem to open up again. I blink and sway before falling to my knees. I pant, trying to calm my heart. I lay down onto the cool bathroom floor and sigh, maybe now is my time. My eyes become fuzzy, my vision blurring, I blink as my head begins to ache.

"Leo?" I could hear the angels calling my name, why do they sound like my mother? "Leo! Oh, God! "Then I black out.

The sound of beeping reaches my ears and I blink rapidly as I open my eyes, trying to steady the fuzzy picture. A face pops into view. Familiar brown eyes and long blonde hair. Mama? The white light disturbs me, giving me stings of pain to my head and I groan.

"Oh, Leo, my baby, you gave me a heart attack, you moron." Soft lips touch my forehead and I sigh as the soothing hand rubbed my head. "Please don't do that again." I sigh and turn to the left with my eyes still firmly closed.

I drift off to sleep again as my mama starts to hum a tune quietly.

"It'll be fun, Leo, come on!" Carson pulled my hand as he tried to reach the line waiting to get on the ride but I stay firmly in my place, preventing him from leaving as well because he did not want to go without me. He huffed and turned to me with a pout and I looked away from the scary looking roller coaster and down at him as he took my cheek in his hand.

"Baby, what's wrong? "His eyes watched me with concern.

"I'm afraid of heights." I've never told him this until now and he frowned and bit his lip.

"Well, that is unfortunate. "He muttered and hummed. "OK, look, how about we get on a-"

"I'm not doing it. "

"But you know in order to get over ones fear, one must face it head on."

"No, I do not have a death wish. "I tried to sound hard but my voice quivered. He leaned onto his tip toes because he is just much shorter than I and he kissed me.

"Just relax and think of me," He whispered against my lips, "I will be with you throughout the entire thing, you won't notice anything, promise." I stare down at him like a kid grasping onto as much hope as possible.

"Pinky promise? "I plead, raising my hand up to hook our pinkies together and he giggled cutely and nodded, holding his hand up.

"Pinky promise."

"Will he be okay, Doctor? "

"I'm afraid not, Ms. Connor. His cancer has spread rapidly throughout his entire body, no treatment could possibly help him. Although it might be able to gain him some more time but I can't make any promises, we've estimated about two months of life left in him. "The male voice answers sadly and a sob answers while I release breath through my nose. I wish he didn't tell her, I already knew this, now she would just keep waiting, watching as the life drains out of me.

"My poor baby." Her hand soothes my hair and she grips my hand while I pretend to be asleep. I love you, Mama. I am so sorry for this.

~~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~ ~~~~

Everything about the world is dead to me, the lush colours of nature are dead. The pure innocence of newborns, dead. The natural scent of freedom, the flowers, the people around me, dead. And I, I am dead on the inside. I am but a shell of who I am and yet I still insist on trying, and I will keep trying until my last breath.

I can hear the laughter but it was silent to my ears. He has a friend over and I only hope that for my sake that they are female. I don't know what I will do if he is with another man, someone of possible companionship. I knocked, I hate the bell, it annoys me and I annoy it with my refusal to acknowledge the thing. He opens the door with a smile which slowly drops. I give a shaky smile.

"Leo? Are you okay? "He asks noticing the blue-purple bags under my eye. I take a deep breath.

"Carson, I'm going to ask you one last time, if you say no and you really mean it, I won't bother you again." I had left him alone for a week already, surely he missed me while I was in the hospital, right? Right?

"Leo," he says softly.

"Just...hear me out. Okay? "I plead." I'm an idiot, a big idiot who will probably always be an idiot, but, Carson, I'm your idiot and I always will be. I did something stupid before, okay? I know, I go every day questioning my action. Regretting what I wrote and how it went down. But, Carson, I love you, with every fibre of my being I love you and I will keep loving you till my very last breath. You are all I think about, day and night, throughout my entire life I've gone questioning my purpose, my reason to live, but when I looked into your eyes that day in collage, I knew. I knew that I would never be able to look at anything the same way again.

"Now, I'm begging you, Carson. I'm begging you to give me one chance, one moment in which I get to have you in my arms and hold you and call you mine, just one last time to be yours. And one date, one whole day where I get to show you that you have always been and will always be the one who rocks my world."

He blinks, tears brim his eyes and he smiles shocked and he chuckles as the single tear falls down and my whole worthless life brightens as he makes the one movement that makes me feel whole again, even if it isn't for forever. I will cherish it now.