One Last Time (ManxMan)√

One Last Time - 5

"So, now will you tell me why you came so suddenly?" Carson asked as he fingered the little blonde hairs on Leo's large chest.

"I don't want to upset you, "Leo's reply caused Carson to frown, things may be different but he would never change, he thought to himself as he recognised those same words he used to say when he asked a question he found difficult to answer.

"Just tell me," Leo sighed, all he wanted to do was relax and just hold him without any interruption, without any unpleasant conversations.

"I'm dying, Carson. "He whispered. His eyes clenched close as the tears began to form, he promised himself that he wouldn't cry about it, after all it was a circle of life, it was continuous and it had to continue.

"What!?" Carson sat up at looked at him with worry and confusion. "What do you mean!?" He wanted to answer before he jumped to conclusion, something he did often.

"I have cancer, "Leo pulled him down to his bare chest, even after the night of love making he still wanted more and Carson could feel it but he could tell that he was trying to stay on topic too. "I don't have much time before my time comes to an end and I just wanted to have you completely before saying good bye. " Carson drew back.

"So you only came back because you're dying? Other than clearing your conscious you would've never come back?" he was appalled and disgusted, how could he? He asked himself. Leo grabbed on his arm and pulled him back but he struggled, "let go, Leo."

"I would be married to you right now, we'd be discussing our plans of adoption if it weren't for the fact that I'm dying. Nothing could ever keep me from you, Carson. Having cancer is what made me call it all off. I didn't want you to be a widower at such a young age. "Leo explained fiercely. Carson was blown away.

He should have known, it was a dead give away, two months ago everything was good, great in fact it was perfect. Perfection doesn't last long enough. It never did. It never will. He stared at the tombstone, tears falling from his cheeks and the envelope clutched in his hand. He knelt down and traced the words carved to truthfully.

Leo Amias Sanders
Beloved son, brother and friend.

Rest in piece old friend, old brother, my first love.

Carson sobbed, it was uncontrollable, he couldn't take it, why did he leave me? He questioned to nobody in particular. A hand came onto his shoulder but he didn't move, he didn't turn, he stared at his first loves tombstone, his mark, the evidence of his leave, his existence.

"He never wanted you to hurt so much. "The woman said gently.

"It doesn't matter how he did it, or how he could have done it, the fact that I knew him, that I'd loved him, I would have hurt, I would have still felt broken and empty because he meant something to me. Even if he chose to stay away instead of making one last great memory, I would have still felt like a part of me died with him. "He bows his head in grief.

"I think, deep down, he knew but he didn't want to acknowledge it, he wanted to justify coming back for you because he was simply to in love with you. Besides," Leo's mother smiled at him, "when it came to you he was always very selfish."

******

Dear Carson,

There are still things I wish I could have told you, still so many places I wanted to explore with you. Still an unlimited time I wanted to spend in your embrace.

We only get one chance, I realise, to make things work, to make them right and make it great and as human beings we find a way to screw it up and somehow we still get a second chance. I got to love my second chance with you again, even though I never deserved it, I got it anyway and I will forever be grateful.

I love you, Carson. Even in the afterlife, I will always be yours, forever and always. But now that I'm gone, I don't want you to live in sorrow and pain, I want you to live, love and laugh. Find someone worthy of you and start your family, the family I could have never given you. I want you to say your I do, because I was to chicken to give it to you.

Thank you, again, for giving me One Last Time in your embrace, in you heart, being with you.

Love forevermore,
Leo Sanders I