Heroine {A Kellin Quinn Fanfiction}

{1} ~ 'Pleased To Meet You'

~Heroine, my sweetest sin. I cant seem to get enough. Pull me under, wake me up. Feel the rush~

I struggle to think of ever leaving this place. Some where so perfect that only, I can say it really feels like home. No one else can say that, because no one else will ever know the feeling. No one will ever get the chance to live in a place like this, to be in such a perfect world, where everyone and everything doesn't matter. Where your mind is a free spirit and you heart is a free soul. Where you don't get judged for being different, or criticised for being real. I always find it hard to leave this state of mind, but I do it every day and it will continue to happen, until the day I die.

Leaving this high will make me dangerous, I know. I know from past experiences, a lot of them to be exact, and to be honest, being drugged up is the only time I'm a relaxed person. When I'm 'high' or 'fucked up', I find a cloud of nothing. It's like everything in my life dissolves, I don't have to worry about anything, it's a great feeling. But then I come down from my high, and I turn back into some monster no one wants to be around. I find myself stuck in a hole, and I can't seem to get out of it. No matter how hard I try, there's no ladder, no rope, no way out of it. I turn back into a violent psychotic maniac that hurts people, a lot of people. And I hate that.

So that's why I turn to drugs. They help me a lot, they take away my pain, they take away everything in my life that has hurt me or is hurting me. It makes me a better person I feel and It makes me a better person to be around. With the drugs, I feel much better about myself and much more comfortable about being in the same room as another person.

Yes, in future they may fuck up my body. But honestly, with the shit I've caused for the people around me, which mind you have been there for me for years, I think I deserve everything fucked up in my life. I deserve to have a body that stops functioning and I deserve everything I get. I've hurt so many people, for so long, and I think it's finally creeping back up on me.

The amount of drugs I've consumed, the amount of alcohol I've drunk, the amount of people I've hurt, the amount of lives I've destroyed, the amount of parties I've been to, the amount of girls I've fucked, the amount of bones I've broken. All this only due to the fact that my childhood was a complete fuck up. I'm not blaming my parents for everything. But if my father was maybe a better person when I was younger, maybe a better father to me as I grew up then, maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be like this. I didn't have a mother figure in my life because; well my mother was smart and left him while she had the chance. The only dumb thing about her decision is that she didn't take me with her.

Trying to think back on everything is hard, it's honestly one of the hardest things I've tried to do, ever. All those fights, all those arguments, all the violence and torture. The mental aspect of it and how I was treated as a child. If I hadn't of grown up with a violent father, then I may of not turned out to be such a violent person myself. I may of turned out to be a gentle man with a beautiful wife and two beautiful children. Maybe a man with respect for women and respect for everyone. But instead, I sit here, in the corner of this room, soaking up all of my sorrows and mistakes like a wet sponge.

I found a way to get rid of my problems, whether it be fucking the shit out of some slut, or getting stoned with a bunch of shitty people at a party. Whether it be starting a fight for absolutely no reason at all, or the feeling of being thrown in a jail cell for the night. I don't know what it is, you tell me! But it's something and it works, so that's why I use it.

Why don't I just tell you a brief bit about my childhood. It's not much but, before you start hating me, I'd like to tell you just how much my childhood sucked.

Well when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much....I think you get my drift. Anyway, when I was born, my parents loved me. Or at least I think they did, because they didn't know how much of a fucking prick I was going to be I guess. Anyway, as a baby, I was loved, I was spoilt, cared for etc, etc. I would've done what any eight week old baby would've done. Cry, shit, eat, play, get moody, what ever you want to state a typical infant would do, I did it. But I think I would do it to an extent that no other baby would. I would cry, more to the point of screaming. I think I just did it to piss my parents off.