Even Our Angels Looked Surprised

Chapter 8

The next few months were a paradox. They were together. But they weren't.

If they weren't training, then they were planning when they could see each other. All the calls and skype dates and plans to visit - it added up to a long distance relationship. But Ashlyn knew that Ali didn't see it that way. To Ali, they weren't together. So Ashlyn acted like she had a girlfriend - staying up late for calls, brushing off anyone else who showed interest. But when people asked, she said that she and Ali were just friends. Because she knew that's what Ali would want.

Inevitably, the time came when Ali realized she was falling in love. It came in waves, really - these heart-swelling moments that she could never have put into words had she tried. Watching Ashlyn play with Christie's kids after training; when she first heard her voice on the other end of the phone after a long day; the times they held each other late at night, tracing each other's skin in the afterglow; when she'd wake to find Ashlyn just bursting with excitement that she was finally up so they could spend every possible moment of a visit together; when Ashlyn pretended to let her cook dinner, all the while coming behind her and saving her from culinary disaster.

She was falling in love. But the more aware she became of that fall, the more panic she felt. This wasn't what she had planned on happening. She had meant to get over a crush.

One day, she wanted retirement from soccer, a quiet life with a husband and kids and normalcy. But right now she wasn't ready to be in love at all.

To have all of life's decisions linked to someone else - someone like Ashlyn, who lived life so much louder than her, someone who would bring so much attention and scrutiny to her own choices - that was not what she wanted. She didn't want her life to be a statement about anything but soccer.

It scared her. She wasn't ready for any of it. So she kept putting it off, never talking about it to Ashlyn and seldom thinking about it herself.

She reminded herself that Ashlyn was probably spending her free nights partying with other girls. Like a mantra, she told herself over and over again that they both knew where they stood. This was temporary. They weren't anything more than friends in the long run.

But even Ali knew that it couldn't possibly end well.
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In December, Ashlyn went to visit Ali in Frankfurt. Ashlyn loved it - seeing Ali in her home, meeting her friends and teammates - it was like getting to know another side of her. And Ali loved Frankfurt so much that she was constantly showing off.

Of all the things Ashlyn loved about Germany, perhaps her favorite was that Ali didn't seem to care if people assumed they were together. More than once she grabbed her hand walking down the streets, and gone was some of her reserve.

One night they went out with Nadine Angerer, and it was practically a double date. A few drinks in, Nadine started asking questions.

"So Ashlyn, you like Germany?"

It took Ashlyn a moment to respond, because Ali kept reaching over to touch her knee. It wasn't something she'd normally do in public, and Ashlyn found it endlessly distracting.

"Um, yeah. I love Frankfurt. It's nothing like what I'm used to, I guess. But I like it a lot." Her answer was rewarded with a wide grin from Ali, who was definitely a bit tipsy.

"So, do you think you'd ever move?" Nadine asked.

Ashlyn wasn't expecting that. "Move to Germany?"

"Sure... I would imagine being so far away would be difficult."

Ashlyn shot a glance at Ali, but the brunette was tipsy enough that the question didn't seem to phase her. If there was anything Ali couldn't handle as well as Ashlyn, it was alcohol. But now Ashlyn wasn't sure how she was supposed to respond.