Even Our Angels Looked Surprised

Chapter 9

Everyone has a way of shutting down emotionally. It's a self preservation technique. By the time Ashlyn stepped off the plane when she got back to New York, she had already shut down.

For most, shutting down would mean being quieter and withdrawn. Not surprisingly, Ashlyn's technique was almost the opposite. Years ago, in college, Whitney Engen described it as a fake-it-till-you-make-it technique. And Ashlyn was a fantastic faker.

Whitney was one of the only people who could see through the act. She kept her mouth shut for a while, but then one day after practice she finally brought it up.

"Ash?"

"What?"

"You've got to stop this."

"Stop what?"

Whitney was frustrated. She'd hoped that after a few days back Ashlyn would slow down, would start to deal with what had happened. Instead she'd been full-throttle with everything.

"Eventually you're going to have to deal with it, you know that, right?"

For just a moment, Ashlyn let her perma-grin slip and the facade fade.

"Yeah, Whit, I know. After we win, ok?"

Whitney let it drop. Ashlyn rarely put things off like this. If there was emotion to feel, then she felt it. No pushing things down the road. But this was different. She needed time. If she didn't give herself time, then she would crack. So for now, she turned off a switch and just played the game.

After another week more people started to notice that Ashlyn laughed just a bit too much and that her smile didn't fill her eyes the way it normally would.

Friends rallied to keep an eye on her. Kaley Fountain was always coming up with some hairbrained scheme to keep her busy. Whitney watched her like a hawk. Liz was constantly calling or texting from back home.
Ashlyn recognized what was happening, but she didn't care yet, because she didn't care about anything but winning the WPS championship.
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They did it. It came down to pk's, and all it took was one save. That moment was insane, the biggest rush she'd ever had playing the game. The victory was everything to Ashlyn. For the first time in three weeks, she actually felt something.

By the next day, Ashlyn didn't have anything else to focus on. But she remembered that she could feel something, if she wanted, and it didn't have to be pain.

Adrenaline rushing through her veins. A good buzz. The thrum of the bass playing too loudly. Sex. It could all be separated from emotion.

Ashlyn started to spiral just a bit. The first girl was Stacey. Blonde. She liked soccer players. There was no guilt in not getting her number the next morning.

Then a brunette whose name Ash couldn't quite remember. She was just glad she didn't wake her up when she stumbled out of her apartment.

A little too much partying. Way too much beer. Ali would have disapproved, and somehow that helped just a little.
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Another Friday came and Ashlyn found herself sitting at a bar, waiting for someone to pick up. She wasn't quite drunk enough for her liking when a familiar girl slid into the barstool beside her.

It was Casey. Kaley had introduced them a couple months ago at a party, and she'd talked to her again when they all went out to a movie the day before. She visited sometimes, but she was only in town for this weekend - Ashlyn couldn't remember where from.

"Hey Ashlyn."

Ashlyn didn't want to acknowledge her. This was going to disrupt her night.

"Hey... is it Casey?"

The girl narrowed her eyes just a little, and Ashlyn knew she was perfectly aware that she hadn't really forgotten her name.

"Yeah, I was out with Kaley earlier. She was worried. Said she couldn't get a hold of you."

Ashlyn barely bit back a sarcastic comment. Lately everyone seemed to think they were her mom.

"Well, I'm fine."

Casey just shrugged. "You know Kaley. She worries about everyone."

"Yeah her and Whitney really seem to..." Ashlyn let her voice trail off, because she noticed how intently Casey was watching her, and she suddenly felt a bit pathetic.

They quit talking for a few minutes, and Casey ordered a beer. It agitated Ashlyn, because she just wanted the girl to leave. She was working up the nerve to say as much when Casey spoke up again.

"So how does this work? Are you just going to wait till some cute blondes come in, then pick one for the night?"

Ashlyn looked over at her uninvited neighbor, who she decided looked too young to be questioning her.

"Yeah. Kinda. There's the whole issue of avoiding the straight girls..."

Casey was only half paying attention to her now, and took a sip of her light beer while she watched a baseball game on the bar's TV screen. "Mmm. I imagine you know how to deal with straight girls."

Ashlyn wasn't sure if she should take that as a complement or a criticism. "I guess."

Casey set her beer down and turned her full attention back to Ashlyn. "You could just avoid the hassle altogether and come with me instead."

That was unexpected. "How old are you, anyways?"

Casey rolled her eyes. "I'm plenty old enough, Ashlyn. Look, if you're not interested, that's fine. But I head back to Florida tomorrow, and I'm bored tonight."

Ashlyn couldn't help but be impressed with the girl's forwardness. Florida. How convenient.

Casey stood up and put some cash on the bar.

"You're not going to finish your beer?" Ashlyn hadn't decided what to do just yet.

Casey shrugged. "I wasn't here for the beer."

Ashlyn decided the girl deserved credit for her boldness. So she followed her back to her hotel.
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Two days later, while she was packing for her flight back home, Ashlyn found Casey's number in the pocket of her jeans. She called her.

By October, Casey had a dresser drawer in the place Ashlyn shared with her brother Chris. Ashlyn stopped spiraling. She liked having a girlfriend again. A real girlfriend - no doubt or questions about where either of them stood.

But Casey was not Ali Krieger.
If Ali would have blushed, then Casey smirked. Ashlyn missed Ali's blush.

The jokes Ali would have rolled her eyes at made Casey laugh. Ashlyn didn't know how having someone roll their eyes at you could be better than someone thinking your joke was funny, but Ashlyn missed seeing Ali roll her eyes.

At night, Ali would have been curled into her. Casey couldn't sleep if they were touching.

So it didn't confuse Ashlyn when she felt hollow late at night or she found herself taking too long to feel a reaction when they kissed. There was no mystery to it. Ashlyn knew exactly what was missing. Ali.

Balance came back to her life, and Ashlyn had to face the fact that she was as in love as ever with Ali. The partying hadn't changed that. And now Casey, for all she was and even though she managed to find a way to make Ashlyn smile for real again, couldn't do a thing to change that she was still in love with a girl across the ocean.

It was unfair, dating Casey so soon, while she still felt this way.

But Ashlyn just kept telling herself that maybe being with someone like Casey was enough.