Schizo: A Memoir

Overthinking is....

Overthinking is...

Self-destructive

A never ending cycle

Hard to stop

Tough to endure

Over analyzing things and people

Impulse inducing

Hard on the mind

Tough on the heart

Rough on relationships

Fear inducing

Etc...

Today was affected by last night and this afternoon. My music selections for the day are quite reflective of this..

Paramore - Brick By Boring Brick

Paramore - Ignorance

AFI - The Leaving Song Pt.2

AFI - The Love Letter (instrumental)

My Chemical Romance - The Ghost of You

My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay

Daylight Dies - Ghosting

Deftones - Change

Korn - Thoughtless

Evanescence - the entire catalog

Seether - Careless Whisper

Shinedown - Bully

Right now Amy Lee's cover of Korn's Thoughtless is playing in my ears speaking all of the words I cannot...it's so hard not to head bang lol I must look strange right now as people walk in and out of the room I am in. (Kitchen) But music and prayer have been my saviors today. I had to get lost in both just to make it out alive.

Most of the day has been spent in silence - save a few Facebook posts here and there, soliciting prayers from friends and loved ones - I haven't physically spoken much at all. Not in reflection or anything but I was seething with anger earlier. I was almost blinded by it. I felt that steel wall that I'd worked so hard at tearing down begin to grow over my heart once more. These are the kinds of things I fight on a regular basis.

I know that being schizoaffective was playing a huge role in my mood earlier. I never get that angry but I figured do something therapeutic with it and help to overcome the strength of the emotion.

The NAMI definition - National Alliance on Mental Illness

Schizoaffective Disorder - a chronic mental health condition characterized primarily by symptoms of schizophrenia, such as hallucinations, delusions, and symptoms of mood disorder, such as mania and depression. People with this disorder are often incorrectly diagnosed first with bi-polar disorder (I was not) or schizophrenia (I was) because it shares symptoms of multiple mental health conditions.

Today it (schizoaffective) was on and still is a bit on the on the bi-polar or mood disorder end of things. Intense anger and mania (racing thoughts, disorganized thinking and impulse) had me at my wits end. I had to fight to stay at what I know is a norm for me. It was too hard and this is why I asked my loved ones to pray because me doing it by myself simply wasn't getting it done. There was also the depressive state, the sadness that was wrapped up in there as well but the anger was feasting on it.

I wanted to put my fist through a wall and scream at the top of my lungs today but didn't. That's what the music was for - to do the things I cannot. Sometimes I think that scream therapy would be good for me - just to go out somewhere, where there's no people and just let loose. Maybe even until I passed out....a war cry. As I was at war with another person today...I feel that now I was also at war with myself - just fighting to keep it together.