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I walk through shadows of former selves, as past ghosts appear to walk through walls and I am reminded of my former lives as they appear before me with all the life I have given them. Dead things, truly dead things can never be revived by the lips of any man on this earth...whether spoken into being or resuscitated...we must let them be. So then what I am seeing is simply figments of a broken woman...fragments of a life lived.
There is a huge difference between me and her. She cries quite a bit and is unsure of her life and where it is headed. She thinks of death quite often – not just the act of being so but of causing it to her own person. Her mind, body and spirit is riddled with a pain she cannot put words to and the light of life is all but gone from her.
There are things she wants but fears she will never have. Things she desires with all her heart that will never happen in the manner she wants them to. She is a restless spirit full of hatred for her own being and ignorance of the way the world works. The hearts and minds of men have been revealed to her and she doesn't like what she sees. She thinks...the world would be better off without her.
Me? The sun shines brighter than any known light I have seen which leaves me with the desire to see the Lord outshine that which he has created. My smile has been a permanent fixture these past few weeks and I have received answered prayer which not only strengthens my faith in all things God but also gives me a hope that is indestructible and readiness to see the world change for the better.
There is no pain and what pain there is to deal with is nothing but a dull annoyance compared to the mood I am in. The light of the Lord fills me and threatens to spill over out into the rest of the world because I have been given Joy. This is not something of my own doing – this is deep seated and rooted within me. Whatever darkness there is that has been floating around me – immediately dissipates...where there is light, there can be no dark.
The desires of my heart are but a prayer away and I know that they will come. My God is faithful, just and true and has shown me this. I know he hears me. I know he loves me. And I know he wants me to be happy. He has shown me this. He has spoken his word of life into me with one simple name – Jesus and all is well.
I look to imprint my Joy on others. This world needs the Joy that I am experiencing and I dare to share it with those in need. I have seen the hearts of those who desire the same. I have met with minds that seek the same truth I have. I come to these conclusions...while the world certainly doesn't need me to keep spinning, it needs what I have. While I don't need the world, I want to help and while God doesn't need me to believe in him to exist, it is good to know that he wants me close to him.
I was thinking about something earlier – some introspection about my life and the things around me. This Joy I have that has disrupted every negative thought and thing that threatened to do me in. Is it real? Am I tricking myself into feeling this good? No. I recognize this Joy, this state of being as something not of me. But it is mine all the same. It is wonderful and refreshing.
