anxiety||mc•au

Chapter 1

While you're trying to fool the whole world, don't forget that you'll decay
And you'll waste away, you can't cheat death when you're digging your own grave.
~

Michael

Do you know the feeling..when you're laying down and you can feel your pulse? Beating softly..letting you know that you're still alive...that you're real. Well that feeling is the only thing that's helping me right now.

I don't have many low moments in my life but when I do.. its scary. I don't do it on purpose..I never do but people don't believe me. I don't blame them though..I wouldn't believe me either if I were them. I just..lose it. I black out. I become this monster. Hurting others and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. I'm trapped in my own mind, yelling at my body to stop actions that I'm not doing. That I'm not controlling.

I'm in a constant battle with myself. It's never silent inside of my head. It's like I know what I have to do but when it comes to me actually doing it I do something completely different. I can't help it though, it's just how I am. You're probably like 'what the hell is he talking about?' But that's the thing. You don't know.. and if you asked me to explain I wouldn't know how.

I'm sure if I did I wouldn't tell you anyway because you wouldn't understand. No one understands. Psychiatrist, therapist, mentors, you name it not one of those bastards helped. But I don't need help. I'm fine.

It's the anxiety, not me. Doctors say it's incurable the "kind" I have. I remember when I was younger..we had just moved into the neighborhood and I had my first attack. And I remember every detail about it like it happened only yesterday. And his face...The look on his face when I had finally snapped out of it. It haunts me in my dreams every single night. But that's nothing you need to know right now.

Mother says it's not my fault..why I am the way I am. That it's just how I was born and there's nothing I can do to help it.

It's not like I wanna be a bad person..but when I lose it..when I black out..I'm gone. And there's no getting me back. Not until my anxiety side is done with his monstrous acts.

Medication is what I need they say. That it'll help. But it doesn't stop it. It only cools me off..gives me time to get the hell away from anyone I'm around so I don't end up hurting them.

I'm starting school next week. First time in a real school. See because of this condition I have I've been home schooled all my life. But mother says it'll help. How the actual fuck is that supposed to help me?!? She says "Maybe you'll meet new friends and they'll help with your anxiety hun. Maybe that's all you needed?" She knows that's not what I need. I can see right throw her fake sincere smile.

Putting thousands of kids in danger is not what I want. I plan on making no friends. No matter how friendly and cool they are. I'll hurt them. I know I will.

~

"Michael? Hun, wake up." I groan and move around, pushing my mom's hands away and putting the covers over my head.

"Come on its the first day of school aren't you excited?" She says pulling the covers off and opening the blinds sending a blinding amount of light in my room.

"Oh yeah," I'm mumble "so excited." I say giving her a thumbs up.

She laughs. "Come on you don't want to be late on the first day" I slowly sit up on side of the bed.

"Question. If I don't actually go then I'm not technically late and all is good right?" I say while stretching my arms out. She gives me a stern look, crossing her arms in the process.

"Michael."

I hold my hands up in defense "Just a question...it was just a question." I smile. She rolls her eyes and leaves my room.

As soon as she closes the door my smile drops. See she thinks I'm all better because..well that's what I told her. After dad left she didn't need anymore trouble in her life so when she asked me if I needed more doctors appointments I told her that I was feeling much better. When in reality everything was just getting worse. She's the only person I have left and I will do anything to make sure her wellbeing is better than mine. She deserves that much.

I jump in the shower hoping it might help with waking me up a little. "Come on Michael you can do this." I whisper to myself. "Just don't talk to anyone and no one will be hurt."

Assuming I've been in the shower for quite some time I quickly dry off and get dressed.

~

The whole car ride I was fidgeting. My breathing picked up and my hands were shaking. Common symptoms of the anxiety. My mother looks over to me and places her hand on mine. I look out the window see the crowds of people laughing and talking with their friends. Something I haven't and will never experience.

"Just call me if you need anything alright? Remember just breathe and don't interact unless they interact with you." Or just don't interact at all.

I give her a small smile and get out of the car. Immediately the talking quiets down and I feel like all eyes are on me.

What the hell are they looking at?
Why are they staring at me?
They don't even know me!

I just look down on my feet and make my way through the crowded hallways.

"Who's that?" I hear some girl whisper. "I don't know but I heard his mind isn't in the right place if you know what I mean." How the hell would she know that? I guess rumors do spread fast here.

After a few minutes of walking around, not wanting to ask for help, I finally found the office.

"Can I help you?" A woman that I assumed was in her late 40's asked. Oh shit now what am I supposed to do?!

"I-I..uh.." She looks at me with complete confusion on her face. I quickly look down at the papers in my hands that have all my information down gosh why are you so stupid Michael? I hand them over to her.

"Oh Mr.Clifford, the staff has already been informed about your..condition." She says looking at me suspiciously. When she realizes she's staring she looks down and starts to get my schedule and everything ready.

"So you shouldn't have any problems but if you do feel free to come back here and we'll help you." Faking a smile, I grab the papers and leave. They think I'm a fucking charity case.

I can already tell I'm gonna hate it here and I groan when I remember this is now a permanent thing. This is what I'm gonna have to go through..and its just the morning.
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short I know but it'll get longer as I progress /.\ also idk what my updating schedule will be like but I'm hoping I'll have quick ones! Anywho what did you think?? The beginning is a little confusing but it serves a purpose later on!! you'll understand I promise (: thank you all so much for reading I have great ideas for this book so please stay lol also please please please vote and comment it'll make my day so much.

-Jackie♡