A few weeks had gone by and James didn't come see me, I'm guess I scared him off or something, he's better off without me, well that's what I keep telling myself. A couple days ago I went to my first group meeting finally got to meet some other people that weren't okay like me, which made me feel less alone. But after that I had another episode of mine...yup there I go again just when I thought I was getting better too. Now I'm back on everything as if it was the first day...I spend most of my time wondering through the little library downstairs or just gazing out the window..I think of the happy little memories I can before the darkness consumes them in just another grey day..I felt happy this morning because I remembered James left his jacket here, the nurses don't let us keep things from the outside but Ms. Bladworth didn't see it that day, I guess. I wear it around at night time and look at my reflection in the tiny oval bathroom mirror as I prance around..I really miss the outside.
Today's I'm gonna see James again, I hope he found the book, and I hope Josh didn't start anything with him, I swear if he did when I get out I'm get him, I think to myself as I can feel the nurses cold hands carry me into the wheelchair. She told me it was a surprise checkup well gosh it was she barged into my room this morning scaring the living days outta me. "Hey Ms. what am I going in for today I've been good?", I presume to ask as she cuts corners through of the building. "It's just a checkup to see how everything has been, if we have to proscribe you more or less medication.", I cough to play off that she wasn't suppose to tell me as much as she did. "We're here,do you need help getting up or can you stand on your own?",her tone a bit more sarcastic then sweet, " I'm fine", I stated as I stood on my bare feet facing the door that led to Dr. Zanesville's office. As I opened the door I saw that Dr.Zanesville was washing his hands as if knew I was coming. "Good morning Ms.Walters", I give him a glare as if he should know I don't answer to that name, "excuse me sorry, good morning Ms.Sky." "It's fine Dr. just you should know better than everyone else", I muttered through my teeth, 'Well um, let's get on with this check up , shall we, follow me to the back so we can get your height and weight.", I recall the last time they weighted me I was like just a bag of skin filled with bones now I'm more than that I got some meat now so hopefully I weigh more now. As I walk up to the scale I hope that I'm right, I don't wanna be forced o eat...I remembered that one time I was forced into eating y the doctors here I remember being yelled at and tears streaming down from my face because I couldn't..I hated that month here constantly puking because of how much food I was forced to eat..I think that was one of the many worst months here.
"Ms.Sky,Hello? Are you still with me? Nurse! She's gone,get everything in the cabinet hurry!" I could hear footsteps all in a rapid pace I could feel that I was carried on to a bed and the straps they placed across my body from one side to another I couldn't tell them release me I couldn't yell I was in a state of my isolation again..James isn't coming to see me."Ms.Sky can you hear me???Hello?Sky? Nurse take her to her room ,the check up is over." Everything got blurry and their voices shut off as my eyes closed shut. Even though my body was numb and cold my thoughts didn't stop the voices only got louder "YOUR A SCHIZOPHRENIC SUICIDAL FAIL WITH TO MANY NAMES THAT YOU'LL NEVER REMEMBER WHO THE REAL SKY WALTER IS?!?!!? YOU FAIL AT THE SIMPLEST THING,KILLING YOURSELF, SEE THIS IS WHY JAMES DOESN'T LOVE YOU AND NEVER WILL!!!",the thoughts just overloading and overloading.
--coming too--
"Hello, Ms.Sky, having a nightmare? You were crying in your sleep.", Ms. Yuki spoke softly as she stood by my bed to help me sit up, she was young and sweet. "Ms.Sky I would like to inform you that they increased your haloperidol for your schizophrenia and also for your personalities, neurolptics and for your anxiety and depression and suicidal thoughts klonopin and sertaline was increased." "Why..why would they do than that!..I'M FINE..I'M OKAY..I'm okay..", I begin to cry thinking of how everything is now like the very beginning again, Ms. Yuki in a panic state trying to control me so the other nurses don't become alarmed "Ms Yuki..why did they do this?".."You had another of your episodes darling." Not recalling what she was speaking of I looked at her with a blank expression of confusion as I listened to her explain what had happened earlier that day. I would only keep denying it if she didn't explain with the voices getting louder and making me believe their bitter sweet truth of lies. As I sat up puzzled and confused to I guess what I had done I presume to ask Ms. Yuki if James would be allowed to still come over, Ms. Yuki sighed which only meant a sad and unsweet "no" as she left with a look goodbye and waked out the door. I decide within those few minutes if I can't see him but I can write him can't I so I got a pen and paper out and began "Hello my dear James, how are you I'm not doing so well I wish I had your company again, like old times, I hope you found my library books." I didn't write much because maybe he did find the books, and when he read it he must of felt disgusted and thought the worst of me "A DEPRESSED ATTENTION SEEKER" letting my thoughts get to me I decided to take a nap and not fight it.
-waking up-
"Mmmm stop moving dammit" I heard in a low sleepy voice "Huh? Who? What?JAMES!How did you even? Falling out of bed in shock more than anything. James leaning off the bed looking down at me spoke "Hi babe, you okay?" "Um..ya..fine...when did you get here?" "Easy Ms. Yuki called me and told me to come over to see you, that it was urgent so I hopped in my truck and came to see you!", sounding more enthusiasts than before. "Get up sleepyhead falling off the bed and stuff" as I stay puzzled I get back on the bed and hugged him. "Oh! I have your jacket, it's under me bed, dangling off the bed as I pointed to the jacket, James I guess assumed was a game thought it'd be okay to tickle me, as I busted out laughing he pulled me back onto the bed and cuddled me as he fell asleep, I swear this boy is the cutest thing ever, we'll too me.
