Can You Feel My Heart? //ERERI/RIREN - ERURI

Day 1.

His fists were tightly clenched as he grinded his teeth in anger, in an attempt to push back the tears that were forming in the corners of his eyes. He couldn't hold himself in anymore and gradually hit the wall with the side of one of his fists. The tears fell soonly after.

'Fucking brat, why did you do this to me...?' he spoke to himself.

Levi had just come home from the hospital. Not because of himself, but because of his boyfriend. They were together for 4 years and it was put to an end by one simple action.

The doctors pulled the plug.

Eren wasn't sick, but he felt like it. He wanted it to go away and even went the extra mile for it. After he had downed a ton of sleeping pills, he went out like a light.

It was his first suicide attempt. And it was successful. After having been in the hospital for a total of 3 days, he slipped further into his coma and they were sure he'd never wake up. Levi said it would be for the better if they ended his misery.

Eren had successfully commited suicide. It hit Levi like a bus. He didn't even know exactly why, since there were no signs of him struggling with the life he had nor did he leave a letter to say his last words. Levi simply believed all that time that Eren was happy with him.

What he didn't understand the most is that Eren had the courage to end his life. In Levi's mind it was something forbidden, something you'd only do in really desperate times, which made Levi feel even more guilty. If Eren had it that hard, why didn't he talk to him about it? Why didn't Levi notice anything?

Levi thought back at distant memories of them together, to see if there were small signs. None were found. He could only think of the best moments they had, which were so many of. Everyday was like a fairy tale to him, but it made him question if Eren saw it that way, too.

He rubbed over his hurt hand, for it started to burn with pain. He might've overdone the punch, but it wasn't enough to silence the pain he felt that was stinging his heart. Whilst struggling, Levi held himself up by the wall to walk to the living room. He found it just like he left it. Empty bottles of alcohol were scattered around, multiple newspapers were thrown aside of the table and the tv's screen was smashed.

Levi sat down on his couch and stared at the missing tv-screen. He sighed, grabbing an empty bottle of whiskey and read the lable. "I need to buy more of these," he thought to himself, after having it turned around once, "it had a good taste." The bottle got put down again, but immediately fell over to scatter over the carpet. Levi glared at the broken pieces of glass.

- Hearts are just as fragile as glass. Anyone who seems careless, has at least one thing they care about. And when that one thing hurts them - they break and shatter. But the thing is, broken glass never loses its shine. -

He didn't bother cleaning it up. This was unusual for him, being a cleanfreak. His surroundings just took the urge away. Cleaning made him happy and that was not what he wanted to feel like doing right now. He wanted to mourn Eren's death, but instead he'd collapse in nothingness for the pathetic shit he is.

The pain started to surface again. It was still burning and luckily it overtook the pain Levi felt inside, but it still wasn't nice to feel. He shifted to another seat on the couch and leaned forward to be able to open the drawer of the small table. Inside there lied some band-aids, an aid kit, bandages and luckily some cream to soothe his pain. He grabbed the tube and opened it, taking a small droplet of the cream on the tip of his middlefinger and then rubbing it on the painful spot on his hand. After the cream dried up, he bandaged it and closed the drawer again. "Wuss. You're a fucking wuss."

He stared at his bandaged hand. He now realised he wasn't the person who he used to be anymore. This occurence had completely destroyed him. It had grabbed him, squished him, crunched him, eaten him and spat him out. It completely changed him; his behavior, his expression, his way of speech. It made him wonder if his friends would still see the same person before them if they met, but he wasn't counting on seeing any of his friends.

Levi wanted to stay inside for a long time and do completely nothing. He wanted to take his time and get over it, but on his own pace. Without the help of his friends.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea, but it was what he wanted for himself.

And so...

He did.

He started to live his own life. Without the influence of others. A complete hermit. He noticed he started to become more independent and mature, because of all the responsibility he had to be able to take care of himself. But what he also noticed, was that the memory of Eren never left his mind. How they would spend nights together, how they would wake up to each other's sleeping faces and how they would do all these things. Together. But now that Levi was alone, it started to don on him how ungrateful he was for the time that Eren was here. He took it all for granted. The life with Eren that he had, could never be what it was again. Eren was gone. Forever.

Levi looked again at his bandaged hand. He felt it pump and saw his fingers turn a bit purple. The bandage was too tight, but he didn't bother to loosen it. "It's the pain that I need," he said to himself. Little did he know that it was going to get much worse.

Much more worse.