Critical

What Is The Point?

             (A/N: This chapter and the next will probably be very depressing so if you would like to skip these, feel free. I'm being totally honest in these two chapters although they are very hard to write about. Please remember that these events took place during 2014 at this time and it is currently 2018, because I am editing the chapters, and I do NOT self harm anymore.)

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It's been a month since I've seen Garrett. We still talk on the phone, but I just wish that I could see him. I have tried to get my parents to allow him to come over or something, but they won't allow it. They are still convinced that Garrett is a "thug". 

I just got home from my Aunt's house in Mississippi. I had a ton of fun. It felt good to get out of the house. They even took me and my sister shopping for clothes. My stepmother didn't want me to get anything black, but I did. I got what I wanted, it's my body after all. 

"Let me see what all you two got while you were gone." she said eagerly. She loved clothes, but she was about to get mad when I showed her what I got. I went to my bedroom and came back out with a bag and a shoe box. 

I pulled out a black batman shirt, a red Coke shirt, and a few other black shirts and a new pair of Converse. "Is that really what you got? I thought I said no black clothes, Hannah." she said in a stern voice. I looked down and stormed off to my room. This made her really mad. She followed me to my room. 

"Why did you just storm of like that? Do you want to get grounded?" she asked with her arms crossed. I threw my clothes across the room into the closet an this REALLY upset her. "I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE HANNAH, YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR TWO WEEKS." she yelled and slammed my door. 

I ran to my bed and screamed into my pillow. Then she came back, I guess she heard me scream. "Give me your phone, you're grounded for the rest of the summer. No phone. No internet until I say so." She said with her hand out. So I handed over my phone with tears in my eyes. 

No more Garrett...

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I sat in the shower that nights, tears streaming down my face. "Why me? Why do I get treated like this? I didn't do anything wrong so why must I get punished for being myself?" I asked to myself. I wanted to relapse so bad, but I couldn't. I promised Garrett that I wouldn't and I want to keep my promise. The urge was so strong and I caved in.

I found a razor blade and sat on the shower floor, holding the blade to my leg. Don't do this Hannah, you promised. I closed my eyes and pressed down, sliding the blade across my leg. That's for my stepmom. I felt the hot blood running down my leg mixing with the shower water. I pressed down and did it again. That's for my Dad not standing up for me. And again. That's for me. And another one. That's for breaking your promise to Garrett. I deserved this pain.

My eyes flung open. "What am I doing?" I said looking down at my leg. I gasped. How could I do this not only to myself, but to Garrett? He wouldn't want me to be doing this. I promised him that I would be strong and I'm doing the total opposite. 

I threw the blade down the drain and let the water run over the fresh cuts so i could clean them after. I felt so guilty. I screwed up. I really did. What if my parents find out? I mean they knew that I used to cut, but they thought that I stopped. 

I got out of the shower and wrapped up my leg before putting my pants on. This is going to be hard to hide from them. Maybe I can do this. I walked to my room and laid down. I cried myself to sleep. 

All I could think about is Garrett. I missed him so much. I felt like a piece of me was gone, ripped away from me. We've only knew each other for a couple months but it feels like I've known him longer than that. He was different and I didn't want to let him go. 

I wouldn't. I'm going to keep fighting...