chapter four:
The next day, dad came to Joe and Caspar's flat with my luggage. he also gave me his credit card and told me to use it if I needed more clothes or toiletries or anything.
I got myself ready for the day, dressing in black leggings, a plain black tank top and a grey cardigan. I wore burgundy toms and a burgundy scarf to tie it together.
i piled in the car with Joe and Cas.
The car ride to the hospital was solemn and quiet. cas and Joe made small talk, but I wasn't into it. i had too much floating in my brain.
i closed my eyes and leaned my head against the window, letting my mind flashback to 2002.
I was five years old, hopping around the kitchen at the cousin's sugg household. it was Christmas holidays, our first back home since we moved to Canada three years prior.
I remember Uncle Graham grabbing me by the arm and lifting me into his lap. he pulled a small sac of candy from his pocket and gave it to me. he kissed my head and whispered into my ear. "My sweet little Reilly. I've missed you so. I know things have been hard since your momma died, and your dad is always working. but I've got enough love in my heart to fill you up all the way from here in London to Canada. across all the seas and through all the stars. my love will follow you." i was too small then to understand how love worked, so I just giggled, said I loved him, kissed his furry cheek and hopped off to go play with Joe and Zoe.
I didn't realize, but tears were now streaming down my cheeks. i wiped them away, hoping neither would notice, or at least not comment on it.
on the way to the hospital room, Joe grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. "you got this, cuz."
I had requested to see him alone for the first time. I knew with everyone around i wouldn't be able to handle it.
I pushed open the door.
beep. beep. beep.
the monitor of his heart echoed the room.
beep. beep. beep.
i approached the bed. his eyes were closed and he was as pale as a sheet. tears stung my eye.
I grabbed his rough, calloused hand.
"I'm here." i said, tears falling.
"I'm sorry it took so long. I'm sorry I didn't visit as much. I'm sorry I didn't call as much, or write as much. I should've. things have been hard. dad is so cold towards me. he's pretending things are fine while we're here, but they're not. back home everything is falling apart. I'm falling apart. I can't loose you." I felt my knees buckle as these words escaped my lips.
"I'm so sorry..." i trailed off.
I sat down on the side of his bed, trying to force myself to stop crying.
"Sweet... rei...." Uncle Graham rasped
I turned and looked at him. wiping away my tears. he had opened his eyes, not wide, but enough so I could see the piercing green. they used to be so warm, so light. now they're cold. distant, changed.
"always remem..ber.... my l..Iove is enough to c..carry you..." he spoke, in a quiet, faded voice. he closed his eyes again.
I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
"I love you." i said, barely able to choke back the tears. I couldn't let him see me cry. I needed to be strong for him. i quickly left the room, closing the door behind me. I leaned my back against it, and fell to the floor. wrapping my arms around my knees, i shook. I couldn't let myself cry. I couldn't cause a scene. I just rocked back and forth, hyperventilating. I felt a warm arm around my shoulder, and familiar circles being drawn on my back.
