Causes

Flashback

  Feeling numb isn't the best and it isn't the worst feeling either. The good thing about numbness is that you don't need to care about how you feel. It's just empty. You don't care anymore about anything that is going on inside or even outside of you, but on the other hand it is also a bad thing. Not feeling anything feels weird. It feels so empty and you feel that you can break anytime soon. You don't feel like you are living anymore. It feels like you are only a breathing doll. This is the feeling I'm feeling right now. Sitting in my room crying while trying telling myself that things are going to get better,
but it was just impossible. The voice in my head are way stronger than me. I want to vomit but then there is nothing left in me. Laying down on the cold wooden floorboards cooling down my heating up body and face. Scratches all over my wrist. I have the habit where I will stop scratching before I bleed because I didn't want my parents to ask me about it. They don't even know what depression is. My dad thinks I want depression because I want to feel different from others and my mom on the other hand think I'm overreacting about my emotions. No one would take me seriously so the only person I can rely on is my friend, but fuck the internet today. It wasn't working. My friend is in another city and I don't have money on my phone to call to her. The only way we communicate is on the internet. When my heated cheeks touched the cold hard floor it sent chills running down my spine. It felt good but at the same time it hurts. After a few minutes of sobbing I decide to lay on my back looking at the ceiling. That is when all the memories starts to flow in.

***

I still remember how I first met him.

"We have a new student today everyone!" Mrs M reported to us in her cheerful voice that she tries to muster. I don't know why, but she would hate me more than other students, maybe it's because I'm easy to hate. It's normal to hate a person like me. I mean who wouldn't hate the ugly fat girl who is dumb. I don't really like the teacher too so it was fair between both of us. I was excited for the new student to come. It was weird about how I get really excited when there is a new students entering school. One of the reason is that I felt like it was a chance for me to make friends with them, but that was obviously impossible. If that new student was a boy I would be happier because I love having crushes? I don't know why. We already knew who the new student was because obviously you can see that that person is new. The most exciting thing about this new student was that he was half Japanese like me. When he stood in front of the classroom introducing himself I thought he was the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. The one disadvantage is that I couldn't speak any Japanese. I know I know I'm Japanese why can't speak it, but you know I didn't grew up in Japan and my dad never really taught me about it. I knew some like 'Konichiwa', 'Ohayo' and 'Arigatou', but this wasn't enough to communicate with this new student Nick Yamamoto. This is where I knew it was impossible for him to even like me because there was another Japanese girl in the class who could speak Japanese. I got kind of jealous but still went with the flow by following them around because I was the shy little girl who is not good at anything. I didn't know why I liked him. I mean he literally was the shittiest guy. He came to me and tell me I'm dumb because I couldn't speak Japanese and I never gotten into the top 10 rank in the class. He pisses me off but then I like him more. It's weird right? He's smart, handsome and really cheerful, but I'm the exact opposite. There were rumors about him having a crush on the smart beautiful girl in class called Sophia. I know I was just in 3rd grade but I really liked him. It's just really weird. A week after that my dad decided to bring me to a small Japanese school. That was when I met him again. He was as perfect as usual. I mean for me because I don't know how people think about him, I'm too busy with my own thoughts. He studied a class higher than me so unfortunately for me we studied in different classroom. The moment I thought I am a step closer to him I saw the Japanese girl Aki, she was in the same class as me and she was obviously studying here at this school way before me. That's when my feelings crumble and give up, but then there was this tiny little hope that tells me he will someday like me.