Causes

Regrets (Flashback)

I remember when I was in year 5, this was when puberty hit me. I grew hair in my armpit and it was so embarrassing for me at that time. I felt like I was the only one growing it, but other from that I totally changed into this positive girl who got into the top 10 of the class. And obviously I made friends and one of my best friend was a Korean girl called Kim Yejin. She was really pretty and tall. The thing I like about her was that she was quiet, smart and kind. Even though we were close, we never hang out together or do something out of school together. We only talked a lot in school and whenever she needs a partner or whenever I need a partner we would choose each other. It was easy going. In year 5 we have this game going on where when we do something good or answer a question in class we will have straws put in our cups (cups with our names on it). It was on the window sill in the classroom so that no one would be able to steal each others straws. Are these straws important? The answer is yes they are. To me when I was In year 5. We would count the straws every break time or before we go home and take notes of how much we have. It seems stupid but the class teacher would give us a present when we get to 50 or 100 straws. It was just to get presents and show off to the class how smart you are and the interesting thing about this is that there were students who steals straw from other people. Those thieves didn't steal any from me obviously because I have only 15 straws or something. I didn't really gain a lot of straws because 1. I was not one of those loud people who could answer questions that teachers ask boldly in front of everyone. 2. I would accidentally curse sometimes and the teacher would take away straws when she hears us or someone reports that I cursed. The annoying thing was that when I said 'What the heck?' those little bastards in my class thinks that I am cursing. I was so frustrated whenever that happens.

So me and my friend Kim Yejin were never really competing for straws because she had way more straws than me. She trusted me and I trusted her. The girls in the class didn't like her. They said it was because she was bossy, but I know that they were jealous of her looks and attention from guys. When I arrived school one afternoon I saw a group of girls talking about something and me wanting to get along with everyone in the class I went to those girls.

"What are you guys talking about?" I asked them in my cheerful voice. It was fun for me at that time to listen to girls bull crap rumors.

"Oh we were just talking about Yejin." Aki deadpanned.

"Don't you just hate her!" Poppy yelled in frustration.

"I know right she is so bossy!" Lacey agreed with Poppy with her hands crossing over her chest.

"Um.. I know right she's really bossy" I didn't know why I said these words. It just slipped off my tongue. Maybe I hated her too, but then that was not true because I didn't have anyone I hate in the class. The only way I can think about it is that at that time maybe I just wanted to fit in with every girls in the class. There were only about 9 girls in the classroom and I didn't want to be a loner again. I really still don't know why I said it though, but I know that when those words slipped out of my mouth I never was able to look t Yejin in the eyes properly.

The door creaked open and I saw Peach walking in. She was the bully until I don't know when. I just know that she never really cared about it and I was still scared to do anything about it.

"Peach do you hate Yejin too?" Aki asked looking as if she already knew the answer.

"No not really" Peach said it without caring about anything. I was shocked wit her answer. This was when a wave of embarrassment hit me. I felt like crap because I felt like Yejin deserve a friend like Peach more than me. I hated how I said I don't like my best friend just to fit in with those girls. Everything was blurry after that answer.

When Yejin arrived to school I ran to the gate of the school and started talking.

"Yejin, don't get angry ok?" I said while grasping for air. She nodded so I continued.

"Aki, Poppy, and Lacey were talking about how much they hate you. When they asked me about if I hate you or not I wanted to know what they will say about you  so I said yes. They said you were bossy and kind of mean." I said while looking at the ground fidgeting with my fingers. After I said that Yejin just looked really hurt and she reported about it to the teacher. The funniest thing was when the teacher asked who was talking about hating Yejin no one answered. They all look at the teacher innocently saying they never say anything like that. From that day on I felt really embarrassed and built a wall between me and her. It was hard to look into her eyes without regretting about what I said about her. I felt that one of the reason why she moved class was because of me. I felt really bad because I realized that I just betrayed a friend. I started to keep more distance between me and her. We later just stopped talking to each other and only talk when we meet sometimes during field trips and stuff. Now she is living in Korea and I hope she wouldn't meet a person like me. She doesn't deserve to be betrayed and hated. I don't know how to say sorry and I still don't know what to do if I met her again. It's really bitchy of me to push a close and precious friend of mine away from me and not face the problem properly. I guess I didn't have enough courage and I felt like she would hate me and let me become the loner again. Everything in me was telling me that I don't deserve having such a great friend and I didn't deserve to talk to her. At the end I was the one who left her and started to built my friendship with all the other girls in the class that were all my bullies from the past few years. It was a really stupid decision.