Born to Die

23

Alli
When I say that she climbs down from her bunk and sits next to me on the bed "what happened?" She asks and I look down "Carl's okay" I mumble and she furrows her eyebrows "why's that bad?" "I care to much" I say and she looks into my eyes, playing with her braided hair "Alli, you've always cared for him I don't see the problem" she says whispering because it's probably like 3 in the morning "when I thought he was gone it made me weak, you can't be weak in this world" I say and she nods "I know, if you're weak then you die but what does Carl have to-" she trails off "you wouldn't" she says in realization of what I'm trying to tell her "I have to".

"You'll still care about him if you do that, it won't help anything" she says and I shake my head, it's basically the same conversation I had with Beth "Alli please don't do this, you both will still care, all that'll change is that you guys won't be happy anymore" she says and I feel my eyes getting glossy from the tears that were about to come "he'll get over me, he'll be okay" I say and she looks at me in shock "Alli, this isn't you, you wouldn't do something like this, he loves you, you love him, he won't get over you for a long time, he can't just throw away a year, neither can you, this past year has been one of the best in your life, please don't do this, don't throw away everything" she says and I start crying into her shoulder.

"I don't want to" I say and she hugs me "then don't" "Sarah, he's almost died for me and he doesn't regret it, he could've been dead, because of me, that's why I need to, I don't want to, but I need him alive, I'd rather have him alive and hate me than be dead because of me" I say and she nods "Alli I get it, I understand why you're doing it, but I know him, you do too, he's still gonna risk his life for you, he won't get over you, just think this through. Please" she says sounding like she was begging me.

"I'm sorry, I can't date him knowing that I might be the reason he dies" "Might! That might not even happen! You could be throwing this away for no reason!" She says no longer in whisper "you don't think I know that?! Trust me I want a reason, I feel like a horrible person. All I want is for him to be safe, I don't want anything to happen to him, his chances of getting hurt are only higher if I don't do this" I say and she looks at me with a sense of hopelessness "fine, do it, be gentle" she sighs and lays down "just do it in the morning" she forces herself to say and I nod "I'm sorry" was the thing I said before I drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

Carl
"I'm sorry" I hear from outside of the cell, then it all went quiet. She's breaking up with me, whether she wants to or not. I rub my thumb across the bandage that covered my side, thinking what to do now, I've spent everyday with her since the day I met her now what do I do? I walk to my cell and lay down, thinking. I won't get to hug her again, feel the warmth of her in my arms, I won't be able to do anything with her. I close my eyes to sleep, still thinking about her, everything about her.

From her blue eyes that always seemed to match the color of the sky on a starry night, to her voice that always brought a smile to my face, I don't want to let go, I want her to just be happy, to be with me.

Alli
I wake up in the morning and go to Carl's cell, he was sleeping, it wasn't a surprise because if he slept how I did then he didn't get to bed until 3am. I walk in and sit next to him on the bed, watching his chest slowly rise up and down, watching him makes me want to cry because I know I won't be able to be around him without needing to hug him or say that I love him, or even just tell him that it's not what I wanted. I lay down, snuggling myself so his arm was wrapped around me and my head was in the crook of his neck, the place where I seemed to fit perfectly.

It's very possible that I woke him up (I totally woke him up) but if I did, he didn't seem to care, just tightened his grip on me, he made me want to stay there forever. I just wish there was a way that I wouldn't have to break up with him, where we could both be safe, where we could both be happy together, without worrying about one of us dying. I gently rub the bandage on his side between my fingers, it was a cottony fabric, it made me feel bad, like I was responsible for him having this huge gash in his side, but it still beat feeling like I was the reason he died.

"You shouldn't feel responsible" me mumbles and pulls me closer to him "but I do, if I hadn't been stupid and made the walkers knock the shelf down-" I say and he cuts me off "that could've been anyone, you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, I was the one who wasn't looking at the other herd behind me" he says and I bury my face in his chest "you only did that to save me". "Yeah Alli, that's why I did it, and I'm sorry if it makes you feel bad about anything, but it happened, it's over, we're alive. I love you, I know that you think that it makes you weak to have to let someone go, to mourn them, but it doesn't, you care, nothing can change that, even if you think breaking up with me will" he says and I sit up "how did you know that?" I ask tensely.

"I was going to say goodnight to you and I heard you talking to Sarah" he says "so you were eavesdropping on me?" I say, my tone being ruder than I meant it to be. "It's not like-" he starts but I stop him "it is like that, do you not trust me?!" I say getting progressively louder but he stays calm "I was walking by and I didn't want to interrupt" he says and I roll my eyes "how come you never ended up saying goodnight then?" "How could I after what I heard?" He says and I throw my arms around him in a hug, all I wanted to do was cry into his shoulder tell him I'm sorry, but I couldn't, the last thing I needed was for him to see me crying.

"Alli, I'm sorry, I wasn't eavesdropping, I just heard and I wanted to prepare myself, do you know how hard it would be to let you go? Especially after all we've been through, a year of danger, a year of walkers, a year of killers, tons of problems, and look, we're still here, don't let this one thing change your mind about everything" he says and I slightly push myself away from him, looking into his eyes, his perfect eyes, the eyes that could make me melt in admiration, the ones I could stare into for hours on end without wanting to look away, eyes that made me want to apologize for being an idiot right now, but instead all I could think to do was kiss him.

So I did, I kissed him wrapping my arms and legs around him, holding onto him as if letting go would mean my death. I found myself crying and hugging him, saying I was sorry, that I loved him more than anything, and I meant every word. He held me against his chest, my hair was probably in his face but all he did was hold me tight against him, whispering "it's okay" into my ear every time I apologized.