Never Lost, Never Found

~ Conscience ~

"Ut requiescam oro ad Dominum meum servare somnus . Quod si non invenit eam, et ero similis omnibus."

Dabria said this prayer every night before she went to sleep, and every morning when she woke up. Hoping someday, somehow, she would be able to make peace with the voice in her head. For the past eight years, the voice has stayed. It was very negative. Almost as if Deus himself was punishing her.

As I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep. And if he is to find he does not want it, then he will be like everyone else.

God

     Dabria had always been fairly quiet, or so all the maids said. As if they talked to her, anyway. The only person who dared enter the same room as her was Anthony. And she still couldn't figure that out. Maybe she would never know. Maybe he would never tell her.

While she was sitting, a rat scurried across her foot. "Ahhhh!" She screamed. A few seconds later, the echo returned back to her. That was the only sound she heard. That's all she ever heard. The reverberation of her own voice coming back to her. But then, she heard another noise, too. "It must be The Voice,"

Dabria whispered. She did not like The Voice, not at all. She could hear its footprints before it spoke. Closer... closer still. The distance between The Voice and her consciousness becoming smaller. It would be here any minute...

"Princess?" Came a voice. Definitely not The Voice. It was filled with concern, curiosity, and it was out of breath. Anthony.

Dabria took a deep breath. She tried to level out her voice. He did not need to know about the voice. He would surely think her insane.

"Yes, Antonio?"

"I thought I heard a scream. Is everything alright?"

"Yes, everything in here is fine. You can go back to the servants quarters now."

"That is not what I meant, dear Dabria," said Anthony, his voice layered with concern.

"Then what is it that you meant? Non dico hoc quod dicis quid velis."

"Mean what you say, don't say what you mean." 

"What I meant was, "Tu es bysso?

Dabria paused before answering. Anthony was not asking because of his job. Which was alarming. Dabria was not used to someone actually caring about her well being. What was wrong with this boy? Didn't he know anything? Making an instant decision, she responded.

"Non, Antonio, non sum denique."

Another pause. This time from Anthony. Had he left? Would he say anything more? Did she make the wrong decision? Many thoughts ran through Dabria's head in that instant. Then, he spoke.

"Well... would it be inappropriate for me to ask to come in? Talking through a door is quite awkward, as you know."

"Are you fine?"

"No Antonio, I am not fine."

     "If it suits you, you may enter."

"Then here I am."

And with that, Anthony opened the door with a smile so big it was misplaced on his face. It stretched out just a little too far on the sides, and his dimples became very noticeable.

But yet it wasn't fake, either. Dabria liked how it looked. She moved over to the bench by the window, and motioned for Anthony to sit with her. When he came over, he just looked at her.

His stare so intense it made her feel uncomfortable. It was as if he could see into her soul. Into places she most definitely did not want him. Into places only she belonged. Dabria and The Voice. 

Only they understood. How could he? But his stare told otherwise. Looking into his eyes, she saw that he knew more about her than she had thought. He understood perfectly.

She could see the sadness etched into his features now. The way his smile turned down at the edges, how his eyes held both wisdom beyond his years, and pain beyond measure.

He knew what it was like to be left behind. He knew how it felt to be an outcast, to be unwanted, to be unloved. He knew it all. And Dabria could see it, she could see it quite clearly. It was as if he was letting her in, putting down his defenses, for her alone.

She felt him move closer. Dabria couldn't help but tense up. He sensed that, also.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable," Anthony said. She just shook her head in response.

"It isn't you. I mean, it is you, but it isn't you. Do you know what I mean?"

"I suppose I do, Princess. I will be on my way, then. Call if you need more to eat or drink. Your wish is my command."

And in that instant, he was professional. He was inferior. And she knew it. The switch in him was so sudden, it took Dabria moments to grasp it. What had happened? She watched as he walked to the door, and, without turning back to her, walked out it. 

  She almost asked him to stop. To wait. Anything to make him stay a moment longer. Would he have understood? Would he have stopped? Dabria would never know now. She had felt the tension as he moved closer. Why did she have to reveal her insecurities to him?

If she hadn't, if she had been more mature, he would be here now. Sitting next to her. Who knows, they may have kissed. They may have hugged. They may have held hands. But all of that was gone now.