Escaping reality.

Ana, help me.

Today I tried. I did. I tried so hard to stay away from food, but then lunch came and I just couldn't.

I'm sad now because I can't control myself. And I need to.

I need to lose weight. 

Sometimes, to be honest, I just want to say out loud that I need help, but not the help that therapists give 'you are beautiful as you are', 'please eat', because that does shit. At the end of the day that's not going to make you skinnier. 

And I want skinny. I want people to talk about how skinny I am, I want people to worry about me because of my weight loss. I want to feel as light as a dainty little feather.

Tomorrow I'm going to leave my money for lunch at home. No money, no food.

No food, no fat.

This is my cry for help. My cry for help to Ana. Ana, help me.

I read about Ana coming to help other girls, but she doesn't come to me. She hasn't so far. There's nobody to tell me not to eat that or warn me about how fat I'll get. 

Because without Ana, I can talk myself into eating. I can debate with myself. I can say things like 'It's not THAT bad', 'it'll be okay if I don't eat much later'. But once I eat one thing, I can't stop myself from eating throughout the day. 

I'm now going to do a few crunches and toe touches and then go to sleep. Apparently more sleep aids weight loss.