Escaping reality.

New old times.

The title of this is ironic because it is not new beginnings at all.

I've gone back to old ways. 

Tonight I cut. For the first time in a year I dragged a cold sharp blade across my smooth wrist, and watched as small dots of blood started to appear.

I don't feel the pain of this.

All I feel is pain. Pain from stress and anxiety. Pain from love.

Tonight I drank some more vodka. 

The blade and the bottle.

Together they create a sense of numbness.

Numbness from the emotional pain. 

More ways to escape reality.

I am drunk right now as a write this, but being drunk doesn't mean that what you say isn't true and what you feel isn't real. If anything, you're more true and real than ever. It opens your mind.

It's 11:14 New Years Eve now. 

This year has been rough. 

I fucked up a lot.

I lost control.

I'm off the rails.

I've pissed a lot of people off, I know that.

I'm going to try and study and do well for the exams. It doesn't mean I'm back on the rails though.

I just need to stick it long enough and get through school without pissing off more people.

I'll have my blade and bottle to escape the pain. 

I'll have food restrictions to gain control.

I'll have fucking books to study from so I do well in exams and don't piss people off.

So, 2015 years summary:

January: New Years Day I woke up after a sleepover with my two 'best friends' feeling shit and like an outcast. Still in love with someone. Still pissed off with my other 'best friend' for screwing me over.

February: I went shopping with my 'best friend' who I hate on valentines day. She had him though, and she was dangling him in front of me.

March: Depressed and in love.

April: This was when I really fucked up because some people fucked with my head.

My 'best friend' fooled around with the guy I love. 

My other friends boyfriend told me that he was going to break up with her. I knew he liked me. I knew fucking everything, and I still did it.

He broke up with her, and immediately after he asked if I wanted to make out.

So I did.

I was fucked up, so I fucked up.

That ended quickly, leaving me with more pain than before.

Then Summer: I was getting over the guy I love. I found someone else I kind of liked. Over summer I was happy and free and then boom.

Out of nowhere he decided to come back after ignoring me for months, he said 'hey'.

And I broke down again because of course he ignored me after a few days again.

Somewhere, before summer I think, we told each other we liked each other. He possibly only said it because I did though.

Anyway, after summer we were talking a bit, but he'd keep ignoring me for ages. 

One of the most memorable nights of my life was when we stayed up for hours texting. It was amazing.

And then he had to ruin it by asking for me to give him a bj.

I said no.  

We stopped talking for a while. I flipped out at one point and then we decided to start again.

But we're still talking on again off again.

Just like old times.

New old times.