Escaping reality.

Reality

After a month or so, Ana came back.

This time I really felt it. I'm trying, and it's working, I'm losing weight, visually and on the scale. It's so wow. 

But now the depression is back.

I don't know why. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's me.

I feel everything and I feel nothing.

I love crying and laughing with equal measure.

But what I love most, what makes me feel most alive, is feeling dead.

Feeling numb.

Not really feeling at all.

In the dark mornings, looking out at the black ocean, I feel nothing. I feel no love, no pain, no anger, no stress. I feel nothing and it makes me feel so alive.

But sooner or later, 

the feelings come back. 

They come back like the ocean I had been watching had suddenly crashed through the window and flooded me with reality.

This is why I want drink and drugs. 

Anything to take away the feelings. 

Anything to make me feel deadly alive.

And the feeling of two opposites, dead and alive, make nothing.

I feel nothing.

But wow,

in the blink of an eye,

I suddenly feel everything again.

It floods. It floods reality. And when I feel everything again. I feel so much pain. I feel sad. 

Reality is sad.