Taken

Chapter Twenty One--GRADY

I don’t know why I did it.  It was as if I was having an out of body experience, watching myself be a complete idiot and wondering how I got into this mess in the first place.  Then I was back in my old self and watching as Denny reeled back and looked at me with an expression that was a mixture of horror, rage, and utter shock.

          She fell back into the seat behind her,  her hand to her mouth, and was staring into space.  Then she began to cry, and whatever she started to try to say was garbled and I couldn’t understand her.  I almost asked what she said, but I decided I didn’t have the right to know. 

          I walked quickly through the house and once I got off the porch I began to sprint.  I ran and ran, pushing through branches and when I got whacked in the face I took it as punishment.  I winced as the twigs scratched my face but I pushed through it.  My clothes got drenched and was sticking to me but I didn’t care. 

          I was ashamed.  I had wrecked everything.  I had completely thrown our great friendship out the window and it became the mud that I was running through, all dirty and mixing together with everything else bad and drowning out everything underneath. 

          I wouldn’t let myself cry.  I didn’t deserve that release, I deserved to keep all the hurt inside.  I loved Denny, but I chewed her life up and spit it back out.  All that was left was the mangled pieces that I couldn’t put back together.  I had left her with that guilt that she could never take back.  That wasn’t love.  I couldn’t truly love her and treat her like that at the same time. 

          I burst through Sarah’s door and fell flat on my face.  I didn’t get up though, I didn’t even try.  I didn’t look at her face as she saw me, and even though she didn’t know what I had done, I wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye.

          Then I felt bad because my feet were dripping with mud that would need to be cleaned up and through all my devastation I pulled myself up and removed my shoes.  I was leaving a big puddle of murky water on her floor and even though I felt bad, my prior actions drowned it all out.

          I hated myself for it, but I started to cry.  I wanted to hold it in, I wanted to keep it plugged so I could punish myself but then the dam broke and I couldn’t help it.  The anger, frustration, pain, guilt, everything.  It all won. 

          “Jesus, what’s wrong child?” Sarah knelt beside me and pushed my wet hair out of my eyes.  I hadn’t even realized how long it had gotten.

          I didn’t look but I knew her eyes would be sympathetic.  She didn’t know, but she needed to.  I stopped crying and rubbed my eyes.  I was acting like a child.  An immature child who didn’t know how to handle himself.

          “I kissed Denny.”

          I could tell by her face she didn’t expect that at all to be the case for all my drama.  “That’s it?”

          “That it?” I repeated.  “I wrecked our friendship, I gave her a reason to be guilty with Jeremiah, I destroyed everything because now she will hate me forever.” 

          Sarah’s long skinny finger lifted my chin and I wasn’t going to look her in the eye but she told me to, so I did, and I felt even more ashamed.  “Everything’s going to be fine,” she said in her matter of fact way. Sarah was wise, I didn’t doubt that, but I couldn’t see how it was ever going to be okay again.

          “How?” I asked, quite hopelessly.

          “Hate is a strong word,” she said and paused before she continued, “and I don’t think Denny’s personality allows for such a thing.  She won’t ever hate you, dear.  She just has to sort out her feelings.”

          “Thank you Sarah,” I replied and pulled her into a hug.  If anyone could make me feel a little better, it was her.  Unfortunately I didn’t feel a whole lot better about what I’d done.  “So where do I go from here?”

          “Did you apologize?”

          “No.”

          “Then start there, and just play along.  If she is ignoring you, give her space.  If she feels like talking, talk.”  She shrugged like it was the easiest thing in the world and I managed a weak smile. 

          “Thanks again.”

          “Anytime.” She touched my cheek gently.

          I slipped on my boots, took a deep breath, and headed back home.