Crushed

-2-

I don't really know why. I can't even recall the moment this torture started. Whether it is my bad luck or something in me that calls bullies like flowers in bloom call bees, I honestly have no clue. Maybe it started just as a joke, maybe they were just teasing me. Perhaps I have a giant sign hovering above my head that I can't see that read 'bully her, it'll be fun.'

I wish someone could tell me why this happens to me. Or to anyone out there for what matters.

What drives a person to bully other? Why do some enjoy seeing others in suffering? And it's not something that only happens now, it's been there since human beings exist. They enjoy watching people being sacrificed or punished. Take for instance the Roman Circus. People rejoiced and went crazy over gladiators fighting to death. Or when people were hung in the Middle Age? Everyone gathered to watch.

What's in human beings that they enjoy seeing other's misery? Do they get some feeling of reward when someone else is in pain instead of them? Does that make them feel better somehow? Is there really a reason for someone to actually obtain pleasure from torturing someone else?

Furthermore, why doesn't anyone help? They know something bad is happening, someone is being hurt, but they don't even say a word. They look away. Why?

Where does the blame fall? Is it my fault? Is it theirs? Who is responsible for this?

I'm seventeen and all I can remember from my interactions with others is bullying. No matter what school, no matter what classmates, there was always someone. When I thought I was free from one, another came.

It has to be my fault, then. If the bully follows me, then I'm the trigger. The problem lies within me.

I can't sleep at night because I don't understand. Because I don't know what to do, how to stop this. Do I really have to live like this my whole life? Will this ever stop?

But it's not fair! Why am I the only one crying at night, the only one who can't eat in peace because I fear someone will come sit next to me and do something to me? Why am I the only that has to walk with round shoulders, trying to blend with the walls in hope they won't see me? Why am I the only one who lost the smile?

I see my bullies, the ones that laugh every time they do something to me. Every time they break my work or push me against the walls, or make me trip in the stairs, I see them cracking up as if I were the clown in a circus.

Why are they the only ones having fun? Why are they laughing whilst I'm the one bleeding?

I hate then, even if it's my fault. I want them, for once, to feel as broken as I do. I want them to fear like I do. I want them to feel a bit of my misery. But I can't be like them. I can't do the same they do to me.

All I have is staying like this.

Maybe I should listen to them. After all, there must be some truth in their words. If I get told over and over again what a waste of space I am, if they chant over and over again that I should help better the world by taking my life, then they must be right.

Majority is a type of truth, right? Or is that a fallacy?

Their words echo in my head every minute of every day.

"Kill yourself."

"You should do us a favour and never show your face again."

"It's not like you're ever gonna accomplish anything, why keep bothering?"

"Waste of space."

"Pathetic."

"Disgusting."

"Just leave."

Maybe I should listen to them. If everyone thinks like that, it must be true. And the ones that don't say otherwise agree with them, right? All those other people who see me being pinned against walls, pushed against lockers, trapped in the toilet cubicles, tripped in the stairs, getting my work and space vandalised... all those who are witness of this torture but don't say anything are agreeing with them. They are also telling me to kill myself. They are shouting louder by turning their backs on me.

I should listen... but I'm too weak. I'm a coward. I'm too scared.

What do I do then? How can I get free from them? How do I stop the voices in my head that don't let me sleep or breathe?

How?

⋙⋘

I read an article that says bullies do get pleasure from hurting the victims. Their brains show activity in the areas related with rewarding feelings. It's not a justification, but at least it starts to answer some questions, I think. What do you all think?

Dedication to -vintxgedreams

Bel, xx

~updates every Tuesday~