Crushed

-3-

Sometimes time freezes, even if this doesn't. It's just perspective; you stop, your heart stops for the briefest second, and you just watch, but everything's blurry. The bodies move around you, but you're frozen on your spot and time, just staring. You get that sense of detachment and it's both heartbreaking and beautifully enlightening.

I am usually trapped in those, where I freeze but the world continues around me and I can only be a witness of that, not part of it. But even if I'm moving with them, I don't really belong.

Isn't it ironic how your existence seems so big and complicated, so intrinsic and difficult, sometimes even unbearable? Yet this same existence is so insignificant? If you remove one person's life, nothing really changes. People carry on, the world isn't even disturbed. One person is nothing for the world. Two people are nothing for the world. The whole human population is nothing for the world because if all of us disappear, the world will still be there, even better maybe.

Why do we suffer so much when we are basically nothing on this world? Why do we endure so much if even after we leave, we're nothing but a memory for a few? If I were to die today my classmates wouldn't even care, at best they would be annoyed that now they have to look for a new toy because their old one disappeared. I don't think they would even feel guilty.

Why do I bother to stay alive? Why do I leave my bed and come to classes every day even if I hate every second I spend here? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I'm not doing anything for this world, I'm not making myself indispensable or anything, then why am I still here?

I know that the only ones who would feel my absence are my parents, but even they would move on if I weren't here anymore. Yet... I don't want to hurt them. And I guess that's the reason why.

Every time I feel like I can't do it anymore, when I feel nothing is worth it, I just think of Mum. I just picture her worried eyes and anxious smile, and I push away any thought about self-harm. She, more than anything or anyone, is the reason why I endure this. She is why I continue crying myself to sleep when I could end it all. When the way out lies in my hands, I can't really press the blade and slice my flesh because of her.

I could be free, I know I could. I have the power to stop this forever and prevent it from ever happening again, but I can't make that decision because she's still there. She's my mum and she loves me.

But it hurts!

It hurts so much, it kills me little by little every day. Breathing hurts. Opening my eyes hurt. Moving hurts. And it never ends, it's a constant torture, even when I'm home, lying on my bed. I can still hear their words in my head, I can even feel in my body the bruises reminding me I'm hated.

Some days, when the physical aggression has been particularly bad, I can't sleep because even resting my body on my bed is painful. But that's not the worst, every broken bone can heal... but when the emotional abuse is strong, I can't even breathe.

It's pitch black, an abyss that lies within me and that is swallowing me ruthlessly. Like the monster I feared lived under my bed when I was three, but scarier, uglier, meaner. And this monster doesn't hide when I turn off the lights, this monster isn't scared of anything. This monster is the most horrendous thing that exists and I can't defeat it... it'll swallow me whole one day.

I wish I could make the decision and escape this. I want to be free, but I can't do that. I know how terrible it is when people hurt you, especially if you haven't done anything to them first. I could never intentionally hurt a person, or not necessarily intentionally but consciously. I can't sever myself from the monster when I know that will hurt my mother, even if that means ending the agony. I can't do it when it'll mean causing someone else any kind of pain, regardless if it can't even be compared with what I have endured my whole life.

The monster is killing me, leaving only a walking corpse... but the monster hasn't killed my conscience yet. I still have that, and for as long as I have it, I'll protect the only person that truly loves me.

I just hope the monster doesn't swallow my conscience too soon. One day, thought, if my tortures continue like this, feeding the monster, nursing it... the beast will even take that from me. And then nothing will matter, nothing but just being free.

⋙⋘

Is it just me or this chapter was heavily emotional? Perhaps it was me because I wrote it after watching the latest episode of Sassy Go Go and I cried there...

Dedication to ReignOn

Bel, xx

~Updates every Tuesday~