Always Keep Fighting

It Really Does Get Better

  Guys! I have had a vision or revelation or something! Things ACTUALLY do get better! Just last month, I was contemplating suicide. I wanted nothing more but to die. I hated myself, I had no one I could trust, my family and I disowned each other, and I felt like I was drowning. I had a plan; I would go home for a weekend. Sunday night, I would drink any alcohol I could find, then take some sleeping pills I stole from my biological mother. I wrote a suicide note: I told everyone in my life why I was doing this and how much it wouldn't effect them in that note. I wanted everything to stop, I wanted to hurt people, I wanted to end my life. I had planned to kill myself on September 20th of 2015. I wanted it all to end.

As you can tell, I didn't. I knew that the person I now call "mom" needed me. I am practically her personal assistant, but in a more loving way. I take care of her three children and I help her with any and everything she needs. I love those three children, and I don't know how she would explain to them that I was gone. I don't know how she would function, she has told me that she wouldn't work without me. She needed me, and I wasn't going to throw away the one good thing I've had.

I went back to my mom's house, and I've been staying here ever since. I have connected more with the children and with her, we'll call her "Clara". Clara and I stay up late and talk about stuff we need to do, we figure out how to make things less stressful on ourselves, and we have fun doing whatever we want to. She has really saved my life. I owe her everything.

I was helping the oldest child today, she goes to my middle school. I'm in eighth grade, and she's in sixth. She taught me how to play some notes on her flute and I helped her practice. We were talking about how you could pass out if you didn't breathe enough. We started over dramatizing and just having fun, but at one point I thought "I wouldn't want to pass out and die."

I know this doesn't seem significant at all, but it was huge for me. Keep in mind, this happened just ten minutes ago. I haven't had the time to actually process everything that this really means. All I know, is that things are getting better. I never believed it when people would say that. I always thought they were just saying it to say it and make themselves feel better. But it is really happening.

If you're still reading this, it must mean something. Some part of you wants to live, even if it's just the tiniest piece of you. That super tiny, almost non-existent piece of you, wants to keep going. Something inside of you, is trying to tell you to Always Keep Fighting. something believes in you. Something wants the best for you. There is hope, even if it's so small that it doesn't look like it's really there.

I know that you don't want to try anymore. I know you think everyone's lives would be better without you. I promise you that you are so very wrong. No one that has existed or ever will exist , is unimportant! I know you don't see the way out. I know you can't decide what to do. Whatever it is, don't kill yourself. When someone commits suicide, it passes the pain onto others and eliminates the chances of things getting better.

Find a way out of your situation. Find a way to just be somewhere else for a little bit. Ride the city bus home, or stay at a relatives. Talk to the people who are causing your issue, and try to resolve things. Find healthy ways to distract yourself. Music, reading, writing, a sport, anything!

If you are struggling with something, I am glad you're still here. i'm glad you've decided to fight this thing! I am so damn proud of you! Please don't give up on yourselves. Please, Always Keep Fighting!