Just Thought I'd Let You Know

Boy #1

I Just Thought You Should Know....

Thank you.

Thank you for talking to me last year and making my days slightly less awful. Thank you for always being so kind to me and putting up with me and my horrid social skills. Thank you so much.

I didn't mean to be rude last year, I really didn't. Everything came out that way, but in truth I had a lot going on. I promise I never meant any of it. I was more thankful than you will ever realize. I still am to this day, and I always will be.

This year, you're just as wonderful and nice as last year. I'm honestly amazed you still talk to me. I would love to be good friends with you, but I'm certain I ruined that last year. I still regret everything to this day. If you still want to be friends though, that would be great.

I want to apologize to you, but I don't know how. I already deal with a hate for myself that won't leave and anxiety that makes me over-analyze everything I do wrong. I really do want to apologize, but I guess I'm to afraid of messing the fragile friendship we have now up; I don't think I could live with myself if I shattered it.

Since I'm here, let me tell you my wrongs of last year that I'm apologizing for: I was rude and negative, I was too awkward and anxiety-filled to ever strike up a conversation. I didn't know how to respond when you said I had a pretty voice, so I just said thank you in a questioning tone, (in reality, you made my day so much better. You've probably already forgotten you said that, but I don't think I ever will. It still makes me smile, knowing that at least someone liked something about me, if even for only a minute). I was incredibly weak last year, and I'm still nowhere close to standards. I don't know why I feel I owe you an apology for that, but I feel as if I do. I snapped at you and never meant to, when all you ever did was be friendly.

I'm trying to fix all of that this year as well as make up for last year, and I really hope you'll understand from my point of view.

Actually, I don't want you to understand. If you truly understood, then you would know how it feels to take a razor to your skin because your mistakes were weighing on your mind, and you would know how it feels to hate yourself, too caught up in regret. You would know how it feels to have someone come up and try to speak with you, and your thoughts suddenly become filled with everything you've ever done that may have made that person hate you, and then all you can do is fret about how they hate you even more now because you couldn't put a sentence together like you wanted. You would know what it's like to fear everyone hates you because you tripped, and you would know how it feels to cry in your room alone because you think you're worthless.

I wouldn't wish that on you, because it's pure torture. I just wish you would forgive me. 

To be honest, I'm not sure how much of this stuff you hold against me, but until I know for certain you don't think these things, I'll assume you do. 

To end this, let me just say to you one more time: I'm sorry I was such a bad person in the past, but I thank you every day for what you've done.

-End-