In Between.

The start

I just stare. Like a high functioning psychopath would. Ugh I hate school. I'm in eighth grade. The bell rings for break. As always I'm just walking with my "friends", just listening to their problems and latest trends. I'm always depressed, dying to be skinny, pretty, and not so tall as I am. I always thought I was different somehow, not different personality-wise, although I do a little , but different on the inside. I guess you could say not like a girl. Even though I'm not really aware of how Im supposed to be a girl. I just assume since everyone thinks I'm a "girl" that I am and however I acted like didn't effect my gender or how I feel about it. Gender doesn't  matter to me. Anyways Thank God it's the last week of school. Honestly though I wish I wasn't here, that way everyone wouldn't have to see this pile of ugliness. I sigh as I enter the classroom walking sluggish to my desk before sitting down and letting my mind focus half the time. Few days past of nervousness, panic attacks and craziness.
     My mind wanders into gender again. I've always seen these males become females and always thought it was weird. I didn't understand it. It wasn't weird that I thought that, I mean I was raised to believe that. Then again, I didn't even understand my religion, which was Jehovah's Witnesses, either.                       

    I always felt out of place, uncomfortable, and weird with myself. I didn't know what this little feeling was so I just ignored it, and put in the basement of my brain.

Sitting on my bed after a fight with my sister I let my mind run, and speak whatever the hell it wants. Summer! Whoo! Wait, I'm scared. I'm entering highschool, the "highlight of my life" , the next "wasteful four years" of my life. I don't want to be a freshman, in high school, in a bigger school than this one. Oh shit. What if my friends leave me? What if I'm all alone? God, so many thoughts going through my head. I lie down on my bed in my dark room staring into an unending of pitch black, pretending to be falling through a black hole and leaving reality. Then sooner or later I fall asleep with the intent of sleeping in the next day.

I soon forget about this whole freshman thing and move on with everyday life. Summer passes by like a breeze. The whole first half of summer was pretty boring. It was the same thing as any other summer. Go to Fresno, visit my family, and pretend to be happy. The thought and feelings of being different came up, but just like any other thought that seemed "different" or "like a sin" I put in the recycling bin of my brain, only to be taken out later. Everywhere the message was "Be Yourself, and don't give a damn about what people say". So I slowly began thinking about myself and I released "the real me" slowly. I made a huge mistake. I didn't mesh well with the family and their religion. I tried to ignore them. They don't appreciate the "real me", or the "teen" me. The other half of summer was pretty exciting actually, Kind of, It depends your definition of exciting is.