In Between.

Accepting the Truth

     I walk out of my 6th period class happy that the school day was over and that it was finally friday. This time I was prepared to run home since I was taking the bus due to my mom working on friday's. I run to the bus stop hopefully fast enough for the bullies not to notice me. I succeed and sit at a seat close to the second doors. I put my hood all the way down and sleep till we get to the transit center. After that I take another bus to get home. I walk home after the second bus has dropped me off. I go through this small alleyway between the house at the end of my cul-de-sac and the house of the other neighborhood. Everytime I go through here I always feel like I'm a superhero sneaking through an alleyway to capture an evil supervillain. I laugh to myself thinking about this. I stand in front of my house and take a deep breath before I start walking towards my house. I go through my backyard door and notice nobodies home. I smile knowing I have total control over the control and watch what I want. So I hop on the couch and grab the control. Suddenly when I hear my phone notifies me that I have a text. I quickly grab it eager to see who loved me. I look at the message and see its from Sidiga. It says "Hey me and xyenna are going to the movies you want to come?" I smile at the text and reply with "I'll ask my mom when she comes home". We discuss the movie and time. My mom comes home and I ask her. Thankfully she says yes and drops me off at the movie theaters. I just see Sid in the from and I smile and wave as I walk towards her.
     "Hey sorry Xyenna says she'll be late" Sid informs me.
     "Oh it's okay. We'll just save her a seat."
     "Okay!" She said excitedly. We both head up to the box office and pay for our tickets. After we got some snacks and headed into the movie theater. We saved a sit for Xyenna right next to me and I sat next to Sid. The previews and advertisements were still playing so Sid and I decided to head to the bathroom for a bit. I stood in front of the bathrooms undecided of which one to go in. I had gotten stressed out and just told Sid that I'll wait outside. She was fine with it and went inside while I sat on a nearby bench twiddling my thumbs, my mind wandering into a random pool of thoughts. After a short while, Sid comes out and sits next to me.
     "Whatchya thinking about?" She asks
     "Oh Erm nothing.  Just stuff" I reply lying to her.
     "Are you sure?"
     "Ye-"
     "Hey you guys I'm here!" Xyenna yells out as she walks towards us. I immediately let out a breath of relief being thankful Xyenna came when she did. I run up to and hug her. I smiled widely not even knowing why. I released gently and then Sid hugged her. We all entered the theater right as it was about to start.
-~-~-~-
     The movie ends and with Sid having strict parents she gets picked up first. I'm left with Xyenna and we're walking around the closed down mall. We talk and talk what seems to go on forever. Then the feeling that was here last year came again. I realized what it was. I think it was love, I shook my head at the thought. I had thought to myself 'Could I really be falling in 'Love' with her? But what about Sid? What would my friends say?' I stopped Xyenna by grabbing her wrist while I was looking down. I slowly lifted my head and looked at her surprised face. I looked her in the eyes and said "Xyenna would you go out with me?" Her eyes widen. I look at her and pull back my arm, slowly releasing her. I look down hoping she doesn't say no. Instead she tightly hugs me and says "Colton I would be honored."  I smile widely and I'm blushing. After a few minutes of hugging my phone beeps, it's my mom telling me that she was just outside. I slowly pull from Xyenna and inform her of who the text was from and what it said.
     "Oh okay well I guess I'll see you later"
     "Yeah. I'll erm I'll see you later." I give her one last hug and walk away smiling. I had felt no pain, no depression, no scary thoughts. I was truly happy, but it was temporary, unfortunately.  As I got in the car I was immediately questioned by my transphobic mom. I nodded yes to everything she said, not paying attention.  I didn't like the fact that my family didn't accepted me or supported. It was pretty hard being who I was in a family who didn't like it or even accept. It just seems like they would rather see be a girl but live in pain and suffering than a boy living happily. A tear escaped my eye, when it did I immediately wiped it away. Scary monsters creeped into my mind. I stayed quiet but I was scared. I was scared of myself. I didn't say anything to anyone and just kept quiet. When I got home I felt nothing but pain and rejection. I immediately went to my room and ignored my family. I didn't want to see anyone or do anything. I just wanted to cry knowing I would have to live, no, suffer through this pain for a long time and endure it. Tears escaped my eyes again but this time I didn't try and stop them. I let the pain instilled rain flow down my cheeks. I cry myself to sleep.
-~-~-~-
     I wake up to the sound of my mom yelling for me to get up and get ready for school. I try to talk myself into getting up but my depressing monsters pull me back onto the bed and hold me down. I try pulling myself up and make it. I get up and Slowly and tiredly walk over to my dresser and pull out some pants and I stop to look at my bare legs with some red lines cut across them. Time stops and I look at them, a flashback of what happened last night runs through my mind and I continue stare at the crimson lines then I get pulled back into reality when my little sister enters the room. I then quickly pull on the pants and shirt. I get ready and put on my sunglasses to hide my tired eyes. I arrive at school, I'm walking through the school hallways scared, deterred from talking to anyone. I set my backpack onto my desk lazily, then I hear a couple of evil chuckles from across the classroom. I turn my head around the room to see who had made those noises, I see it was an unfamiliar group of girls looking at me and smiling. I don't do anything, I just stand there staring at them through my reflective sunglasses. Blankly staring at theM I think of all the possibly things I could do to them at the moment. I decide to ignore them and turn back to my seat which had a sign taped to it saying "FAG!" all over it. I look at it and I wanted to cry but I couldn't let them see that I was weak. Weak, that word somehow reminded me of what Xye had said. But it's hard to believe what she had said was true because this was a totally different mind game. I quickly grab the paper and crumple it into a little ball. I walk over to the trash can nervously knowing anything could happen between now and the time the teacher finally enters the room. So I'm all tensed up prepared to be embarrassed. Step by step the classroom gets quieter and quieter as I walk over to the trash. I firmly grasp onto the clump of paper balled up in my hand. My hand quickly gets grabbed and the balled up paper gets shoved into my mouth. Before I could react or even defend myself they kept yelling at me nasty words. The girls that were once maliciously giggling at me were now laughing. It all just made me sick. I was crying, my tears sliding into my mouth onto the slobbery balled up paper that once had the word fag written across it but was now just black blobs of ink on a paper. Someone kicks me in the stomach while I layed on the floor crying, making me cough out the paper. They stopped. . . and just stared. I looked at the blob of wet slobbery black ink and paper. I slowly and weakly grabbed it, hit my hand against the trash can to make sure it was there and dropped it. They laughed. . . I got up and wiped my tears and snot with my sleeve, the teacher came in without questioning how I looked or why I was crying, he just told everyone to sit back down and started class. Everyone listened and sat back in their seats all looking at me with evil smirks on their faces. I put on my reflective sunglasses and the teacher didn't seem to mind. So I just drifted off to fantasyland where all my broken dreams and dead hearts went to continue living after being shot down. I stay quiet the entire time until the period ends and I leave the classroom to my second period. I arrive there safely. When I enter a bunch of kids are laughing at me. I sit down and slump in my seat wanting to go away. Wanting to never be here, to be alive. I see the group of kids in front of me laugh at a video at which sounds familiar. I peek at the video and gasp silently. Someone had taken a video during the time I got bullied. I look at them in disgust because they had found someone getting beat up to be entertaining. I looked away as the teacher called the class in order. Time passes and It's lunch. I'm heading over to my usual spot until someone comes up from behind me in surprise, I instinctively get scared and stand still frozen in fear. The person wraps their arms around my neck, then the person walks to stand in front of me and I breathe out a deep breath of relief. I see that it was Xyenna and I hug her immediately. She whispers in my ear "It's okay, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you" hearing her say that she was sorry made me feel somewhat guilty. I just hugged her tightly once again that feeling popping in again. I then hear someone else approaching and I turned around to see who it was. I see that it was just Sidiga and I smile and jump into her arms and hug her. I caught her by surprise and says "Hey I'm so sorry Colton." I release her and they both talk to me for a while.

-~-~-~-
I scroll through many posts and then I receive a text from someone. The text had a message that said "You're so Stupid!!" I ignored it and continued going through posts and liking what I thought looked good and what related to me. I get a notification on my phone that I was invited to a group chat. I was uncertain of who invited me to a group chat and I clicked on the banner. I was nervous and confused as to who and why would someone would invite me to a group chat. I looked at the groupchat and saw it was a bunch of people from my school. I was scared and laid still, frozen. I immediately shut off my phone and gently laid it down. Next thing I got a bunch of messages from the group chat. I look at my lock screen to see nothing but a spam of hate. I go into the groupchat and exit it. I throw my phone across the room being angry and sad at the same time. Wondering why was I like this? Why did they pick me to be their victim? I receive another text message but I leave my phone there, ignoring the notification. I go outside my room to eat dinner. As I'm heading to the dinner table I see that my siblings are watching T.V.
"Mom is dinner ready yet?" I asked eager to eat.
"No, but it will be in a few minutes" she said as she mixed something in a pot over the stove.
"Ugh" I complained then plopped down on the couch.