Blue

Prologue

10 April, 2015

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. I hadn't even touched my dinner and was nowhere near sleepy. Everything because of one simple decision of not going to school.
That bitch caused all of this. She ruined her own life and now was ruining mine.

I had all the motive, the motivation, the opportunity. What I didn't have was the courage to bear all that guilt. But that wouldn't stop me or in any way encourage me. So I had been in a dilemma for last few days, until yesterday.

The bitch was dead. But half of the guilt that I had to bear made me oblivious of the world around me.

It was over and my problems were finally at an end.

"Why are the lights on? Its one am." I sprung from the oblivion hearing my mom's sharp voice from the other side of the door.

"I'm working on a song." I replied.

"Go to sleep." She ordered and left; probably for the bathroom.

I fell back to my oblivion with the lights out.

The thought of having my (seemingly dead) baby in that girl's abdomen tied my stomach into knots, I wanted to throw up.

I had to tell someone about it, just let someone know about what I had done. But couldn't. How would I tell anyone that I got her pregnant, now that she was dead?

The fan on the side of my bed blew the last remains of hot air; the sign of burning summer in Biratnagar, out of my room through the metal framed window.

And if someone did know about it, I'd be the first one to be questioned.

Even the ceiling seemed to mock me now. Only the little of moonlight that illuminated my room made it a little less disturbing.

But if they knew the whole story; they'd know that I'm not the one to be blamed.

I prayed for a million times to the god that I didn't believe in. If only god gave me the strength to get through one more day. If only I could vanish for a day with no one noticing; it would be over. I could be free, I could live again.

I turned to look out of the window. The old man's house never changed, only my feelings towards it did. All because of one girl that I really loved. But I hurt her.

I thought of the time she was with me; her smile, her obsession over puppies, her favourite color.

My heart was going thump against my chest.

The more I thought about her, the more it made me nervous and depressed at the same time.
What would I do if she found out?

It had been long since the last time I'd talked with her but I still loved and cared for her enough to kill someone. And she did too, until that bitch came in between us.

My motives grew stronger. But the bitch was already dead; what more could I do? Except maybe dig her up after she'll be buried and kill her again.

I got it. I knew what I had to do. There was still one possible escape from carrying all that guilt and a hole in my heart. If I couldn't be with the one I love, I might as well not be at all.

I got off the bed. My legs felt like jelly, I couldn't walk on my own.
Just a few steps further and I could reach there.
Just a few more steps.

I opened the kitchen door as quietly as possible. Didn't want anyone to ruin my escape.

I returned to my room with a knife, switched on the lights and searched for the right place on the wall to run into.

Just one more thing.

I put a pen in between my jaws to control my screams and I held the knife; blade pressed against my chest.

That was it. All the suffering and pain could end now. I only needed to run against the wall.

I stood five steps away from the wall.

If death was this easy to get, why keep living and suffer? I'd rather just die easily.

First step.

If I don't die, there'll be hell lot of pain.

Second step.

And hell lot to explain.

Third step.

But no more suffering. No more hole in my heart.

Fourth step.

I love you Adi.

Fifth step.

Oh, fuck.