I Must Be Losing My Mind

Chapter 3

I blinked as I awoke, my head disorientated. I was in a white room. A fucking cell. There was a mirror on the wall; I presumed it was one way. The walls seemed to be padded. I tried to reach out to touch them, but my arms were bound to my sides. I looked down in horror to see they’d shoved me into a strait jacket, and I began to scramble away.

“No, no, no. God no.” I mumbled, looking for a way out. “I’m not crazy. I need to get out of here.”

“They won’t let you out.” Where was that coming from? “You fucked up, Matt.”

I looked to my left to see Josh sitting, with his knees hiked up to his chest.

I began to stammer, before closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. “You left me.”

“No, I didn’t mean to.”

“I don’t give a shit if you didn’t mean to. You left me and I got pulled into this fucking hospital again. Shoved into this jacket again.”

“I’m sorry.” Josh said, sounding genuine. He shuffled over to me, stroking at my hair. I flinched away.

“I hate you right now.” I mumbled. He retracted immediately.

“Y-you... hate me?”

“Of course I fucking do. I trusted you, Josh. You left me and now I’m in a padded cell because I’m psycho. I was getting on with my life but then you showed up.” He frowned, looking down at his feet. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and I inhaled the scent of hairspray and menthol cigarettes.

“Was that you I saw on the roof?” He asked.

“Yes. I... I saw you and you shocked me, so I stumbled. It’s your fault.”

Josh sighed, and stood up.

“Are you real?” I asked quietly. “They’re telling me you’re not real. I don’t know what to believe. Please help.”

“Of course I’m real, don’t be stupid.”

“I’m not stupid. How did you get into my room?”

“Uh...”

“How did you get away so quickly when Ian found me?”

“Matty, please don’t...” He protested.

I felt tears begin to roll down my face. “It doesn’t add up, Josh. I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re just overreacting. Just breathe. Everything will be okay.”

I paused and looked down at my stupid bound hands. I stood up and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I saw a mess of shaggy brown hair, dark circles under my eyes. There was a bruise shadowing under my jaw line. I was a mess. Disgusting. “It would be so great if I could disappear like you do.”

“What... what are you trying to say?” Josh stammered, coming over to join me where I was standing. He grabbed my hand, and squeezed it tight.

“I’m really confused. I don’t know what’s real or not. It’s like a battle in my head and I’m going to lose either way. I just don’t want to deal with any of this anymore, Josh. I’m sorry.”

“You can’t do anything, Matt.” Josh pointed out, his voice strained. “You physically can’t.”

I merely laughed. “I can. Just fucking watch me.”

I sat silent for a while, watching Josh as he sung, watching the way the cheap energy saving lights glinted off the stud of metal in his mouth. He was singing something he called Beside You. I recognised the words from what was engraved on my ring, but I didn’t comment. Soon, though, Nurse Angie entered. A taller woman followed, smiling widely.