As Our Tragedies Atrophy

II. ANTE MERIDIEM

A new year brought new promises and objectives. The main objective was Dan's determination in secretly helping Phil cross of every item on his bucket list. He didn't know if he was ever supposed to see the list in the first place or if the things on that last still applied, but Phil wrote it down for a reason at one point, so there had to be some lingering attachment to those words within Phil somewhere.

He was fully prepared to abandon any doubt or hesitation that remained. The talk he had with Phil's mum on Christmas sparked the beginning of a Dan that stood with confidence and newfound optimism.

While his optimism remained true, he was by no means as ambitious as he let on. Before he could plunge head first into the ocean's tumult, he'd have to get his feet wet first. There was certainly nothing wrong with baby steps, after all. Waves of stagnant activity tickled his toes for a while, as he was in no rush to hit the ground running and speed through the list because he could. He would reinforce that every grain in the sands of time had to mean something. If it didn't, then what was the point?

Dan thought about what was ahead for them and was content with taking his time, but Phil was the complete opposite and threw himself into the task of crossing off his own list as fast as possible, like ripping off a band aid. The Last List, he ended up calling it. His family already knew, so the worst of it was over, but his friends and acquaintances remained. The Last List wasn't all too terrible, however, as it allowed Phil to assess who were the most important people in his life, who were the people he appreciated, the people he sometimes takes for granted.

The task itself weighed heavy on both of their hearts, the build up the most grueling, heart-wrenching part of dropping the news. Dan thought of it as akin to death knocking on doors, turning up without warning on what would otherwise be a lovely day shrouded in the mundanity of everyday tasks. Unfortunately, life isn't too gratuitous.

Life held uncertainty and trepidation with each breath. Life seemed to be working against Phil and the people in his life. It wasn't fair. Dan was always by his side when they told anyone and assumed the task as an anchor that kept Phil still, present.  He would observe each minute expression that surfaced alongside Phil's dreadful words he memorized by heart.

Not like it was on purpose. Early onset Alzheimer's. This is difficult to say. It's not easy for anyone. No, it's too soon to guess how long I have. Shouldn't be more than twenty years at this rate. They were the same words, the same outcome, to different faces.

They told people in person and Dan couldn't tell if it did more harm than good. On one hand, it was the opportunity to see friends and family in person, especially if it was one of their YouTube friends who lived in the other side of the world. On the other hand, they travelled with a chip in their shoulders. Rigid and constantly struck with anxiety due to four months of constant announcements, they quickly reached burnout.

"How about we go to Japan?" They're sat in a Starbucks one morning, Phil gripping onto his cup, bags under his eyes prominent. He hasn't been getting much sleep for a long while. It broke Dan's heart to see Phil so exhausted and torn up, despite the fact that he was still smiling and trying to emote positivity nonetheless. Perhaps it'd hurt less if Phil were more concerned about himself and his worsening state, but that wasn't the case at all.

The reactions, the pain that came with having to watch his loved ones realize they're losing him was what kept him up at night instead. He knew Phil was more wary of him and his well being too, though he tried not to show it.

"Duncan and Mimei are one of the last few on the Last List and maybe we can take a little holiday, relax for a while," Dan suggested.

Phil blinked and nodded slowly, sighing in relief. He was thankful Dan was always in sync with what he needed most. "Please? But can we maybe get it over with first before we relax? I don't want to be so distracted the entire trip, and I owe it to them to not pretend."