As Our Tragedies Atrophy

III. NE PLUS ULTRA

Everything went to shit. Figuratively, and literally when he went to check on Phil one morning. His sheets were stained with brown.

He couldn't take care of himself on his own and although Dan tried to delude himself into thinking he could help out, it was pointless.

Walking became difficult and every day tasks were impossible. Intensive care was needed and Dan had no choice but to bring Phil to a nursing home so that he could be watched 24/7.

Dan still made the effort of visiting as often as he could. He drove to Phil and back, never missing a single day to see him. It took great strength to continue seeing someone who didn't know who he was, but he persevered.

His health ended up suffering as a result. He went through many stages about losing Phil, similar to going through the five stages of loss and grief. Denial and bargaining, anger and depression, and acceptance. He went through it all.

The denial had always been present since the beginning. He knew Phil was dying, but there was a difference between knowing his husband is dying and knowing his husband is dying.

Phil's mood swings and the harsh realization that he was nothing like the Phil he knew did the job of squashing that denial soon enough.

With bargaining, came regret. They didn't have enough time. What if Dan had proposed to Phil sooner? They would've had more time. He regrets and regrets and regrets shying away for so long.

Then his anger came in waves. Part of it was because he couldn't understand why he was going to the lengths of visiting Phil daily when he wouldn't thank or recognize him. Dan began to resent him a little bit and there was one specific month where he didn't have the energy to see Phil any longer. He wondered if Phil was right all along, since he was doing so much but it all resulted in the same outcome. Phil would die and he was wasting his time.

He hated himself more for even trying to think that and he was just sad. He felt sad and sunk further into an existential crisis. What was worse was that there would be no one to pull him out of it. He thought about his own life and how Phil cemented his thinking of being insignificant and unimportant in the grand scheme of life and what would exist beyond him.

Through it all, his own family were less enthusiastic about Dan's level of dedication. They were worried for him and were among the influences for his period of anger. They cemented in him that he was being weak for sticking by Phil when hope had already disappeared for a long while. They drilled it into his head that he was wasting what was left of his life for someone who didn't even know who he was for fuck's sake. He despised the line of thinking although he understood where they were coming from. Dan insisted yet again that he was willing to do anything for Phil.

That's what he signed up for when he married him. In sickness and in health, he vowed to stand by him no matter what obstacles they faced and he intended to keep that promise. It infuriated him when people claimed to know about things they didn't. This was his life and he chose to dedicate it all to Phil. It wasn't anything new, after all. The question of who he was without Phil Lester had the simple answer of: no one. He would be no one without Phil, traveling through life lost and in search of something that could possibly make him feel complete. Even though Phil was slipping away from him and was moving toward unconsciousness, he still made Dan feel complete. Through and through, he wouldn't want a life without Phil. That much was certain to him.

-

Dan groaned and woke up one morning to eleven text messages and four missed calls. He didn't like the look of that.

"Hello?" Dan responded, the sound of his cell phone ringing again. It was Martyn.

"Dan, I'm sorry."

His eyes shot open from drowsiness and he didn't think twice before heading straight out the door. Thor barked for him but he didn't give him a second. He didn't care that he was only in a t-shirt and sweats, he only paid attention to the way his stomach dropped at the tone of Martyn's voice.

"What happened? I don't - he was just fine a few days ago."

"I'm sorry."

"No, he can't be," He all but screamed into the phone. "I couldn't even say goodbye."

With that, he hung up and focused on driving to the hospital, but his thoughts were running a million miles a minute. He was never able to have a proper goodbye, and maybe that's what hurt the most.

He sat in the car for who knows how along. He knew what was waiting for him inside, but he wondered if he could avoid it. The naive part of him wanted to run away and not confirm the truth, perhaps live under the false pretense that Phil was okay, but naivete got him nowhere.

His stomach turned and flipped with every step and his indifferent expression turned into a frown the moment he spotted Martyn. He was sat in a chair outside Phil's room and the expression on Martyn's face said it all. The other man tried to muster a smile when he saw him approach, but it didn't work out.

"I don't wanna look. I'm scared."

"You should. You'll regret it if you don't. He left something for you," He said, motioning in the direction of the room. He elaborated. "The nurse said that before he passed, he had a moment of clarity. He woke up and was looking for you, but they couldn't get a hold of you. He told the nurse to give him a pen and the book that was on the table?"

Dan's eyes widened and he changed his mind. He swallowed thickly when he saw Phil with his eyes shut, the color in his cheeks gone. At the very least, Phil finally looked like he was at peace. Dan immediately located the black notebook on the side. He just had to check and ended up crying the moment he saw what had changed. Love him until the day I die had been crossed off.

-

The whole concept of funerals never sat right with Dan. They say funerals are meant to celebrate the living, but Dan couldn't help but think of the entire thing as a sick joke. He had politely declined the offer to give a eulogy, as he was certain he wouldn't be able to say a word before his emotions get the better of him.
He'd rather not put himself through the struggle because he knew exactly where his limits lied. The ceremony itself was difficult enough.

It was odd to see so many old faces, old friends. If he didn't know any better, it could've been a reunion. He would've been glad to see old YouTuber friends and the like again, but he felt cheated. They were all coming together, not because it was a party or a celebration, but to mourn over the loss of Phil.

The viewing struck him the most. Phil looked nothing like the Phil he knew. He was abnormally pale, even more so than the usual whiteness of his skin they'd always joked about. Dan stared at him, as if he was trying to will him awake and hope to any deity out there that this was all just a horrible nightmare. But that was foolish to think. There was no life here.