Healed by a long distance friendship(but why it feels beyond it?)

the beginning of an end

this story is base on the authors point of view, no character, no name....just plain story telling of a life that could have been if right decision are made......

It was on 2011 that my life has change from a well plan life to a life of misery , of doubt, of a meaningless life.

I plan everything, a nice house, a car, and maybe a family, i had a nice job, although its very demanding but each day was very fulfilling.  I thought i was on top of the world, can't be touched, can't be topple down but oh boy how wrong i was.

I develop an infection on my hemorrhoids, it enlarges and medicine could not anymore cure it, so left with no choice i had to undergo an operation to have it removed, everything was fine as what I thought but after two days that I was released from the hospital, I had a nervous breakdown due to fear of dying, I cant understand what I feel in my body, just to find out later that it was due to the anesthesia,  I became violent and cannot be control that my colleagues needs to send me to a mental institution to calm down, you see i was not with my family at that time since I was in another place for my job.  I was there together with the mentally disturbed patient on the said facilities, for me it was the most traumatic experience of my life, after a few days of staying there I know in my self that I'm just having pstd, i had nightmares, I fear that i would die, The experience crippled me, for 3 years I felt like a zombie, a living dead.  I became a recluse, a hermit, a loner, I cant help myself, my self worth was banished, life became  meaningless to the point of many suicidal thought came to my mind.

Late 2014 when i meet some one online, and in a way or two he help me to stand on my two feet again.  We talked a lot, I told him whats happening to me, but i was not able to tell him the full detailed, he given me many advises but still, I'm still on the spot where I'm standing, for almost a year we kept our communication open until once again I lost the will to go on, as if I don't have anything worth or anything to fight for.  I re-channel my loneliness to reading and playing games only.

Then came October 14, 2015 when I met this other guy, I felt a connection to him, I don't know why I was able to open up to him even my darkest secrets and pain. In a way we are the same since he also harbor a big problem of his own, we are able to open up to each other telling each other our dreams and aspiration, almost more that 10 hrs we chat, he wants to talk through skype but I'm quiet hesitant since I'm not good in verbal communication, but sometimes he understood and sometimes he doesn't.

I like him a lot because he made me want to live again, I considered him now my soul friend, and I know I can't venture more that friendship since he is a married man, and know his life is really a complicated but it's his story to tell so I can't disclose his life story here,  If I'm crazy then his life is a lot crazier than mine, but there are times that I feel that he wants more that our friendship, dedicating a song that connotes that he likes me to the point of loving me.  I don't want to assume or else he will be another hearth ache for me and I don't think I can survive other trials in my life, I told him that I don't want to lose him, right now he is the closest person that I let in, even though he is 12hrs late from me.  I know he felt that I feel something more for him also but we just can't go beyond friendship.  for me friendship is more valuable than being a lover.

Right now we are  constantly chatting through viber, we only stop chatting when its time for each one of us to sleep.  I guess at this point I can say that I started to fall for him, even if its only two weeks since we met online.  But I know I can't no matter what I feel since he has a family, I keep telling him to save his marriage because no matter how I feel for him, I would always ask him to go back to his family.  But he has his plan already, a 4yr plan to settle everything and what's funny is that he is penning for another girl, so you see we are really in a very complicated situation.  But if I had a choice I will always want him to be with his family, I know the feeling of a broken family, it was not good, it leave a bad taste in your mouth. But lately he been hinting something about his feeling.  i just don't want to think about it anymore.  I still need to heal myself from everything, I want to start a new life, I know the opportunity are gone since I'm 40 next month, but hey nothing is impossible, I will just need to believe that I could still find a job. and maybe just maybe find my other half, after all they that life begun at 40, I hope its true.....

I guess I just stop here for now.... but don't worry I will post from time to time whats the progress of our life's drama.  by the way listen to the song All of me by John Legend because that's the song that he let me hear, so tell me if I assume too much!!!!!

10/26/15 4:37pm

till we meet again