What is more painful than being friend zoned or sister/brother zoned. when you thought that you are making progress then suddenly he begun to sing a different tune? I thought he really started to love me, only to realized that he loves me like a sister, wow just wow, it really hurt so much but I give him already my word that I wont change no matter what, that I will always be by his side no matter what, I know I'm going to regret it but I rather be friends with him than not at all. Its just plain and simple now where I really stood with him.
Who can blame me if I aspire more from our relationship, he send mixed signal and here I am so naive reading too much what is between the lines, overthinking things, hoping that we can have our happy ending, but sad to say not all will experience it. Right now I decided to bury this feelings of mine, I'm quite lucky since its not too deep, but I tell you it hurt like hell, since we met I cried a tones of tears for him and I guess its just me who invested too much to this feelings, hah!!! Its time for me to wake up from my nightmare, a beautiful dream in the beginning but end up my worst nightmare ever.
I need to adjust fast, brother/sister relationship is more "in" for the both of us, I really want to believe so as to lessen the pain that I felt right now, he said partners/lovers he will left but sister he wont ever leave so I should be thankful for that? That no matter what he wont leave me, that just like me he will stood before me also. But its really different, but can a beggar chose? I guess not, so I will just get whatever I can get from this kind of relationship.
One thing I learned from this is to never assume and presume, never bring your hopes to high for the disappointment that will follow will be too great for you to handle. Loving someone means also sacrificing, loving means letting go. I will let him go now, this very moment I the writer of this story is letting go of him that I learned to love for almost a month now, come November 14 should be our one month together but sad to say that I don't hold too much appeal for him to chose me.
Acceptance, that's what I'm convincing myself to do, to accept that we are not really meant to be, that he is not my soulmate as what I thought. This is the end of my journey, maybe I was really born to be alone in this world, i will be 40 tomorrow, forty an alone, I just need to accept it and live my life to the fullest, whatever will be, will be.
Goodbye J, you are my greatest love, you are my happiness but at the same time you are my sadness, you are my greatest failures, my downfall. but don't worry I'm not blaming you, it was all of me. I jump ahead without testing the water first, I assume too much that you will catch me when I fall but you didn't.
So girls, please be careful with your heart, don't give it easily without knowing first if that person that you love can give it back, because I will tell you I never cried a tons of tears before. I was so much painful. But life must go on, I know it will takes months even years to learn to let it go from my system but eventually it will healed as the times goes on. Times heals all wound.
J, I love you so much, but I guess I'm not good enough for you. I really hate the word "goodbye" but for my own sanity and peace of mind let me tell you this: J, I love you and goodbye, I wish all the best in your life whoever you will chose in 4yrs time I will support you because that's what I promised you.
11/09/15 1:36pm
till then readers, i don't know if anyone is reading this but this is my journey, I will be doing this for a year, I will tell you whats the progress of our friendship.
This is A, who love J.
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