Healed by a long distance friendship(but why it feels beyond it?)

true love means letting go

November 19, 2015 a day that will always be engraved in my mind and heart. When you finally realized that it's not enough that I love him, he needs to show me that he really love me too.

A one way kind of love is so hard, It's not easy to keep our relationship going if I'm the only one who keep on reaching for him, I always makes the first move just so we can communicate. When we are in the middle of our conversation he will just vanished in thin air without so much as goodbye. Is that so much to ask? At least he will show some respect in me. When he is not communicating to me he will always says that he is showing tough love to me, can't he see it that I don't need tough love, all I need is simply for him to acknowledge me. To simply love. We had a major quarrel because once again he is ignoring all my effort, I know I should understand him knowing that he has his family, but at least he will make an effort to show that he care, but I guess I'm just fantasizing this love affairs of ours, I think I'm the one who invested too much in here, I'm not blaming him for me falling for him because he was the one who was there when I needed someone the most. When he told me that he loves me I had a hard time in accepting it because I know it's very wrong even though they are not anymore good with his wife, but our constant communication makes me fall for him.

But I realized now that he does not love me the way I love him. I don't know that loving him will hurt me more. I thought he was my anchor but sad to say that it turn out he is my self destruction. J, I love you so much and all I need from you is your sincerity in our budding relationship, we already crossed the line. I should follow my instinct to remain friends. But no, I jump with you to another level and this is what I get, losing you, I wish I can turn back time. But I guess we need to part this way. I'm waiting for you to make your move, for you to reach for me, but I know deep inside it would be a difficult wish. an impossible wish coz you never reach for me it's always me.

J, I hope that you will be happy as you move forward with your life's journey it saddened me that I'm not going to be part of it anymore. Don't worry I'm going to try to make it through on my own also. I will try not to remember the times that you made me cry, I will only remember that once upon a time you rescue me from killing myself. I love you so much J but I think you deserved someone else, someone who is more stable, someone you can be proud of. But I wish that you will just stay with your family, I'm sorry for taking so much of your time by chatting with you, it was the best moment of my life but it is wrong when we let our feelings blossom, it's better if we only stick to being friends then this would happened that I need to leave, not because I want to but because I need to, I can't pretend that I'm okay with everything. I need to leave while I'm still have a little respect for myself.

J, you will always be in my heart, I love you my dear friend, I love you goodbye.!!!!!

11/20/ 15 1:42pm

p.s. I don't know if this is the end of our journey, I'll wait for him to make the next move, if he doesn't then it will proved that he never really care. I hope that we will end together, there is no harm in dreaming right? But sometimes we need to wake up to make it a reality!!!!