Healed by a long distance friendship(but why it feels beyond it?)

when i don't know if he is in or out

Last October 31 me and my family when out to have an outing, it's an out of town trip, it was fun but the downside was I was not able to communicate with my dear friend or let us say more of an mu,  and until now as i wrote this we don't have a long communication as if we draws apart, I can't seems to connect to him to the point that it makes me cry at night.  Long distance relationship if you can call our current status as such but I don't think i can survive like this.  It is so hard on my part maybe because I feel something more for him now.  But I guess on his part it was not the same after all women in general are emotional and we tend to read more between the lines.

The truth is I really want to end whatever we have because I don't think it is healthy for me,  It is very scary to want someone so badly, to depend your happiness to someone whom you are not so sure if he feels the same way.  We must always remember ladies that men tend to say the exact words that we want to hear even without really meaning it.  Do I sound bitter? Maybe I am, I feel that I'm the only one who always try to reach out for him, always the one to say "Hi or hello", the one who always try to keep the conversation going and I realized that I lost my self respect.  I lost my identity as a person.

So do you think i should end here?  Anyway I don't think we had a future together.  He is still married after all, although he told me that their relationship is liken to a housemate only.  But still I should not make this relationship flourish, because no matter what I will end up like a mistress and I can't accept that.  So I guess I need to put boundaries again, I should not let my heart rule over me but we all know that we can't dictate our heart.  I should keep my distance from this day onward, I guess we better off as friends.  I don't want to be called a homewrecker,  I also am a product of a broken family and the feeling is not good, the children will suffer the consequences. 

I'll give him until 12 midnight to make the first move to try to communicate with me, but if will not then it is a sign that I should not dwell on a relationship that is so unclear.

11/02/15 7:10am

till next time

p.s. God please give me the strength to be firm in my decision.