Alive .

Chapter 4: Individual Reflection

                                      Today was my release date. Davine filled me in on how long I had been in the hospital. Because of the tight rope that restrained my arms and legs, I had dislocation in my ankles and loss of circulation in my wrists. The doctor was sending me home with ankle and wrist braces. I was not ready to go home for any reason. The thought of being in that house felt sickening. Davine said my dad visited the hospital but didn't find true importance to stay any longer. I think Davine only knew about the car accident and if that is so I knew I could find some type of relief in that. Davine rolled me outside in the wheelchair and Damiyon was outside in his car waiting for us.
"Hey Fai, I missed you so much. How are you? How do you feel? Davine and I are going to be taking care of you until you're better."
My brother said to me letting it out as if he'd been holding it all in forever.
Damiyon got out of his car and helped place me into the front seat. I was happy to see my brother, it wasn't very often that happened. I could tell he was happy to see me too but the sympathetic look in his eyes had only made me feel worse. I hadn't seen myself yet and I planned on keeping it that way. I did not want to see the damage I was created into. With that being said I reclined the passenger seat back and closed my eyes, forcing myself to sleep.
             Once we were home, Damyion being the best brother he could be, carried me to my bedroom and placed me on my favorite side of the bed. He covered me up and tucked me in. He asked me if there was anything he could do for me before leaving the room. Davine stayed in the room with me until i fell asleep. I didnt want to tell her what all had happened but I could clearly tell from the look in her eyes she wanted to know oh so dealry.
              I understand she was concerned and worried. And I wanted to tell my bestfriend everything but even the thought of it made me want to cry my face off. All I felt was pain physically and emotionally. Feeling pain was kind of normal for me but now I had come to know, true and eternal pain.
              "I know you probably don't want to talk right know Fai, but I cant help but feel so bad. The doctors said you'd gotten into a car accident, but from the look in doctor's eyes I know that not to be the full truth."
               Dee tried not to look at me. She was emotional as was I but that only made me feel even worse.
              I couldnt hold it in anymore. My body was shaking and my heart was pounding out of my chest into my ribs.
             Huffing and puffing, snot filled my nose, my breathing become heavy, eyes flowing and my mind and heart racing all at once. Dee looked at me and cried with me. She reached out to hold me and I corroporated as much as I could.
            "He took it Dee." I mumbled under my breath. My mind flashed back to the scene and I cried . I cried like my life depended on the production of my tears. Trembling I tried to say more. "He took my innocence, my body, he took everything."
"Who? He who? What do you mean?!" She said as she spit her tears out.
"I- I, I don't have any clue." I said gasping for air still crying my eyes out. "That's the worst part, not knowing who he is. Just the thought of going outside and he could be anywhere, anyone. And if he were to see me, in his mind I know he would simply think 'That's her.' Dee I can't take it. No matter what I do it's always there at the back of my mind haunting me, tormenting me. Every time I close my eyes, I hear his voice, remember the pain. I thought I had been through it all but this... This is destroying me." I shut my eyes trying to stop the steady flow of tears and gather my self back together to a calmer state of mind. Then nothing.
"Fai!" Dee screamed out letting out more tears, sounding just as out of breathe as I did. I knew she didn't have the words to say to make it all better and she knew that too, but her comfort and tears helped enough to mend the pain in the moments spent with her. But I knew once I was alone no one could help me, not even myself. That's what scared me the most.
"Don't tell anyone Dee, I can't deal with the look of the sympathy someone would have for me or the judging thoughts anyone might think. Don't even tell my brother. I just want to stay in my room and try my own method to eliminate this pain. Promise me."
"I promise, not because I think that's the best thing for you to do but because it's your decision. If I'm being honest Fai, I know that would make any sane person go completely insane especially if they keep it bottled up inside. I may not be able to make it better but there might be someone who could."
"Okay Dee." I said quietly.
"I love you Fai, I should've never left the party with out you, this pain you're feeling and the things that may have all happened, they all feel like my fault. That kills me to think that this happened to you all because I was selfish."
"Dee, we all know you're the only girl who can compete with superwoman, but you're still not her. No one expected this to happened it's not your fault. You thought the same thing as me, I'd go home be safe and sound in my bed listening to music until I fall asleep. It's my fault I took a long way home and got lost... I love you Dee, but I want to be alone right now go spend time with Damiyon I know you both missed each other and he can help you not to focus on the information I shared with you. Just do what's best for the both of us an do what I can't seem to do, erase it from your memory, get rid of it goodnight."
"Ugh, goodnight." She huffed and kissed my forehead before leaving my room in silence.
Focus. The memory playing repeatedly in my mind made everything feel worse. I couldn't get comfortable in bed. It was cold then it was hot. I cried quietly until I finally fell asleep.