I'm here.

Letter to myself.

Dear Baby Girl,
this wasn't supposed to happen like this. I wasn't happy.. I hated how I wasn't working and how I wasn't making anyone proud. My mother hates me.. My father is dead. My family disowned me. Your mother, I loved her. Loved. I loved her so much. She was my everything. She helped me "get through" my depression. I didn't get through it, baby. I didn't. I tried.. I worked my ass off. I was trying to be happy. But nothing worked. It was a little bit after your 12th birthday I started getting into my bad habits again. I was drinking like no tomorrow. I thought it was my happiness. I thought it was making me happy. I was trying to tell myself it was my happiness. I remember coming home from sitting at a bar and just sitting on my bed and crying. I shouldn't be telling you this, But I feel like you understand me. Baby, I tried something I told myself I would never try. I cut.. I'm too old for this shit.. I should have never done it. I got addicted.. Everyday, I wore a smile on face and acted, but one I got home.. I did it. I did it every fucking day. Baby girl, I love you and I want you to know that. I love you and your family.. Our family. I love little Steven. I love Your mother, Jamie. Liva Karns, I love you and I want you to do something with your life. I want you to not listen to what the people at your school say. I want you to live life to the fullest. I want you to find someone to keep forever. If at your wedding you feel alone, I am watching you, Baby girl. I am watching you so high up right now. Live Karns.. I love you, I love this family. I just need you to promise me that you won't tell your mother. This will break your heart. I want you to keep this note. If you feel lonely ready this. I didn't shoot myself for anyone except myself. I want you to live your life to the fullest. Okay.. it's about time. I'm about to meet the one and only JESUS. Unless I go see Satan.. Oh well. YOLO!
I love you Liva Karns..
                 ~ your loving father
                        David x

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I remember that day clearly.
I never showed anyone that note. Not even my own mother.
After a couple of months, they dropped the case and never thought of it again.

Mom was furious. She wanted to know "who shot him", But there wasn't any evidence.

It killed me but being able to tell them about the note. But I couldn't. I couldn't betrayed dad like that. I wasn't mad at dad. I wasn't sad, I was happy. He was hopefully in a better place. I like how he left in a joke. That's how I knew it was my dad. He was funny. I do miss him. But I know that he is finally happy.

I heard the door shut quickly and I heard my mothers voice.
"Li, I'm home"

I quickly check my phone and see that it is 5:00 o'clock.

"Hey, mom!" I said.

"Watcha want for dinner?" she asked pulling at a loose string on her white t-shirt.

"Uh.. IHOP?" I say really hoping she says yes.

"I was thinking the same thing. I'm gonna go get Steve from after school and then I'll come back and get you. Sound good?" She asked knowing I would say yes.

"Yep" I say pooping the "p"

"K, I'll be back soon. Make sure you're ready. I'm starvin'"

"Alrighty". I say quickly.

I love how me and my mom act like best friends. Well, she is my best friend. She had me when she was Turning 17 so she is only 18 years opera than me. Since I'm about to turn 18. I can talk to her about everything. She even said I can cuss in front of her as long as I don't do it in front of any other adult. Mom has always told me since she had me when she was so young she knows a lot of stuff. She told me if she ever found out I was pregnant before I went to college she would shoot me after I had the child.
I love her.

Even after dad died, She was depressed for about a month, but after that she told me that "what had happened, happened and we could do anything about it." I knew she loved him but she was right. We still have lives to live and if the whole world stopped what they were doing because someone died, the whole world would be nothing but a a trash bin. It's a weird quote, but I'll never forget it.
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Guys I swear.. Harold is gonna come in soon. I haven't edited this so I'm sorry for the errors. Make sure you show yo friends and have an awesome day. ;)