Almost

The Way I Have To

"There ain't no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it."

                                                                                      ― Kate DiCamillo

So as it always is, I accept the blame. I am put lower on my mother's mind and Wila is higher. There will forever be an imbalance between us. I walk these halls like a ghost. The classes I once thrived in suck me dry. 

I have no motivation. I find myself addicted to the glimpses I catch of you. I know I should become my own person, but I often find myself wondering what defines me if not you? 

I sometimes think of what it would be like if I weren't apart of this town. If I had never even existed. It almost seems too easy.  The only difference would be that Wila and Kaleb wouldn't have met the same way. There would be no sister to screw over. Literally. Kaleb would have never slept with me all those weeks ago at a party and Wila wouldn't have wanted to take another thing I thought I had. 

But as it is, this isn't the first time she's taken something I'd dreamed of having. I should be used to it by now. The way she steals everyone's attention. Especially my mother's.

God, don't even get me started on that woman. She's hated me from the moment Liam left with that blonde girl from Albany. It didn't matter that I was only five, or that I had no part whatsoever in his leaving. But my strikingly familiar appearance to the man put me on the top of her hate list. 

Now, I slowly count the days until I leave this hell of a town. All I need is my diploma, and then I'll run. 

I sometimes think of what I would miss. Not my mother or sister or former crush. I've got no friends and my job doesn't exactly give me a chance to have social interactions. The only person I think of is you, the man that wiped tears shed for his best friend.