Love is the slowest form of suicide

Chapter Three

Another Monday morning rolled round. As I sat in the kitchen pushing my breakfast round my plate, dad gave me a worried look. I’d barely seen him yesterday, I’d just spent the whole day in my room. I wasn’t very hungry, so I didn’t bother come downstairs to eat, I’d pulled down my blinds, curled up in bed and watched every single movie I had. I had spent the last 6 weekends like this. I must have looked a state, red nosed, crazy hair, tear stained cheeks, and wearing Mattie’s old clothes.

Mattie.

The thought of him, just brought fresh tears back to my eyes. “Are you ok love?” Dads tender tone did not help. I quickly nodded and mumbled an excuse about leaving. I rushed down the hall and grabbed my converse and school bag. Slipping on my shoes I practically ran out the door. I realised I was going to be very early to school, I still had another half an hour before  I had to set off. Oh well the walk would do me good.

2minutes later, I wished I’d have waited and just caught the bus at last minute. At least then I wouldn’t be staring at every car that resembled Mattie’s just for a glimpse of him. Why did he have to decide to leave? It was easier to cope with when we were little, we weren’t as close, life wasn’t as serious, now what would I do if I woke up in the middle of a night with a bad dream, I couldn’t bed him to come over and sit with me, I had to be alone. I guess I could always start ringing Luke, but for some reason that didn’t feel the same.

Oh Mattie, why did you do this to me? 2 weeks and he’d be gone, my Mattie would be gone.

Eventually I arrived at school, all tears had slowly dried up by the dry spring air. I strolled through the playground and watched as a little year 7 boy and girl sat chatting excitedly under the shelter. The boy reminded me of Mattie. Shit why does everything remind me of him today. Why do I keep seeing parts of him everywhere?

Making my way to my form room, I studied all the happy faces on the corridor. Until I saw the one I’d been subconsciously searching for all morning. It was him, he was here and he looked just as drained as I did. Chills ran down my spine as he looked me dead in the eye and kept walking towards me. When he was not even a meter away, his mouth hung open as if he was about to say something. But then his eyes hardened and he shut his mouth, just walking past me. Was I really that horrible to him.

“Hey babe” Luke, that’s why he walked away. Luke slung his arm over me and kissed my temple. “You ok?” Concern laced his voice, as his eyes looked at me, slightly daring me to say his name. When it came to mine and Mattie’s relationship, Luke was not happy, he’d all but told me to stop talking to him. I guess he knew that was never going to happen, well at least not because of him.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just had a rough weekend.” My reply was simply, but I knew Luke suspected otherwise. He let it drop though, just one of the many reasons why I loved him, he knew when too push things and when not to.

“Come on, I’ll walk you to form. I’m not going to push it, but I know it has something to do with Mattie, I can’t say I’m sad that you two aren’t talking, but it does hurt me to see you this way” He began as we strolled round the corridor. “Why don’t you just sort things out with him, if he means that much to you, that you come to school looking this bad, I think your style needs him babe” he joked. This was not the time. But somehow he still managed to make me smile a little. We arrived at my form room, with 2 minutes to spare for him to sprint to his. “Right, I’ll see you in maths” He gave me a quick hug and kissed my temple again.

I took my seat in the classroom, and let my head hit the desk. Did I really look that bad? I giggled slightly. I remember when I’d first met Luke. Funnily enough I never really liked him. He was one of those people you can’t really hate, but you don’t have to love. He never took anything seriously and was so damn cheeky! Oh, and this was the deal breaker, I absolutely detested the way he used to spike up his hair. But as time passed and he was in more of my classes, I grew to love him. I could never just be sad around him. When I found my life was, well crap, I found it impossible to be miserable around him. He took my bad moods and made light of them, and sure it frustrated the hell out of me but I could help but find myself laughing. As time passed, I found myself growing very found of Luke, he became a great friend to me.