Love is the slowest form of suicide

Chapter Five

   The next morning was the worst. Staying up all night had not been a good idea. I felt like death with a cold. All I could hear was this incessant noise, my bloody alarm clock. Boy was I not happy to see you this morning. Slowly crawling out of bed, I stumbled to the bathroom. Not once have I ever woken up and looked so bad. Not ever. Not even the time I had measles when I was 6 and I looked like death covered in a rash. And Mattie would not let me forget it. Slowly but surely I began my morning routine, everything was dragging this morning. Even brushing my teeth gave me arm ache, so you can see why I was dreading school. 

I decided to catch the bus to school, seeing as Mattie and I still weren't speaking and I literally did not have the energy to walk. It's weird the longer I go without Mattie, the more he seems to play on my mind. Yes, I know what you're thinking, but honestly, Mattie had been a  big part of my life for so long that I just didn’t know how to be without him. 

HONK HONK. "Get in." 

Uh-oh. Looks like this is what I get for thinking of Mattie so much. The real deal, is here in person, and tin or whatever cars are made off, and he looks ready to kill.

"Look, Mattie, I need to-" 

"I said, get in." Ok, so buying for time is not working in this situation, and it looks like I have no other option. As he slowly creeps away from the curb and back onto the main road, there’s a deathly silence in the car, my head however, was another story. Slowly each sentence I started in my head, slowly started to pile up as we drove further and further away from school. Wait, school...

"Err, Mattie, schools in the opposite direction!". So maybe pointing out the obvious didn't help. and I still didn't get a reaction from Mattie. I looked at him, past the angry expression and there he was, my Mattie, the same boy who held me and made everything ok, the same boy that won my father round, the same boy who told me he'd never leave me, But was still leaving me.

"I never promised I wouldn’t leave, I promised I’d always come back" his voice was weary and cracked, like he hadn't spoken properly for weeks. He pulled over next to the park we'd play in as kids and turned to me. His eyes were dark, his hair flat and unkempt, his lips slightly chapped as if he'd been nibbling them... I'd done this to him. 

"Mattie, I don’t understand" I tried to find the words to explain everything in my head. "Since you were seven years old, I've watched you be carted to and from your mothers, I watched you leave a healthy, happy child, and come back a shrunken boy, a shadow. I wrote you countless letters, not once did I get a reply, for years every time I asked about your mum, you'd become cold and distant as if it hurt too much to remember. And this was to me, a person you've practically known your whole life, there’s never been anything you haven’t spoke to me about. I don’t understand Mattie, why leave somewhere your happy, a good life, your best friend, who’s always been there for you and needs you, for a woman who only ever hurts you, I mean I get she's your mother but..."I trailed off, slightly breathless as my bottled up speech burst out of  nowhere. I waited as he gathered his response. I could see the thought evident on his face.

"You want to know why? She's my mother, Nevaeh. Maybe you can't understand that, but she's my mum. The moment she calls, I will always be there, no matter how many times I say I’m not going back. I understand your points, I really do, but all I can think is how broken she is, this woman bore me, and it wasn't all bad growing up, I have my memories of before she started with the drugs, it was me and her against the world, and if there’s even the slightest chance I can have that again, I’ve got to grab it with both hands, I never want it to be too late, I never want to say what if. I have to help her, surely you can understand that V? Please? I need you, I need you to be here when I get back, I need you to carry my strength in your and be my rock for when it all turns bad- if it all turns bad. I need my best friend. You know I could never forget you, and yes I may have forgotten to write before, but i was so young, i had no control, we both have mobiles now, Facebook, we can even still write if you want to! I’m not that same scrawny kid anymore, I’m stronger now, I can deal with it. Please, just support me?"

I closed my eyes to stop the tears. Mattie never gave long speeches, but when he did, I just couldn’t argue with them. I just nodded my head, too afraid to speak. But I heard his sigh of relief. I sat deadly still for about 5minutes, I could feel his presence next to me, but I could tell he wasn't concentrating on me, he needed to get his emotions in tact too. Slowly I opened the door, left my bag in the car and got out. His eyes watched me in apprehension. I sat on the curb and silently sobbed. And Mattie came and held me, just like he always had. I knew then, i had a duty to repay him, we had to make the most of the time we had left. I still don't undersatnd why anyone would go back to a past like Mattie's, but i do understand it's his choice.

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This was it. The day Mattie would leave me. I helped him pile most of his boxed clothing into the car. It was a comfortable silence, both of us apprehensive of what was to come.

The past few days had been magic, well sort off. Besides the random heartbroken tears and the whirlwind of silences our words got lost in, we’d just been Nevaeh and Mattie, two uncontrollable (ok so maybe Mattie was the only uncontrollable one seeing as I’ve got the whole y’know over protective dad thing going on) but yeah, we were teenagers. And we sure as hell acted like… 4 year olds. I smiled as Mattie brought out the last box, it’s weird, I know he’s leaving most of his stuff here, but all his worldly possessions seemed to fit into  boxes, and they weren’t even big ones.

“That’s it, packed and ready to go” he cast a weary smile, and for the first time I saw Mattie begin to doubt his decision.

“Yep.” That was all I could manage right now, I didn’t want to beg him to stay, I might not understand why, but I knew he had to do this.

“Y’know V, maybe I should stay here just a while longer. I don’t know it doesn’t feel right leaving yet” His eyes bore into mine, begging me to give him a reason to stay, but for once I couldn’t be selfish, I had to let him go, he had to go, otherwise he may spend the rest of his life regretting it. I didn’t want that for him.

“First of all, Mattie, my name is Nevaeh, not V, if my dad wanted me to be called V, he would have christened me V. Get it? Just because your leaving does not mean this is going to be a soppy goodbye with tears and hugs and I’ll finally break and let me call you that atrocious nickname. Second of all, you are leaving, you’re going to get in that car, and leave every fear you have of what may happen behind. No regrets, not this time Mattie boy. And last but not least, you are going to write, call or Facebook me every Friday night, at the least without fail, and if you don’t I will track you down and kick your arse, you got it?” I guess they call it tough love for a reason, my little rant left me slightly out of breath as I watched and gaged for his reaction.

He gave a solid nod and cracked a forced smile, which I pretended not to notice, “V, Please you could never kick my arse, it’s too perfect” He turned round as if to demonstrate. I laughed, genuinely laughed. I would miss this boy so much.

“You better get going, before it gets dark”. He nodded, and pulled me into a Mattie’s Mightily crushing hug- yes he named it himself. I held onto him tight, knowing this would be the last time for a while. Eventually I stepped out of his embrace and gave him a slight nod, swallowing the tears that threatened to fall, back down. I watched as he got into his car and began to drive into the distance, if this was some romantic film, he'd have stopped right there and come back for me, but this was reality, and he continued down the road, chortling away from me 

Sorry this chapter is so short, i'm writing at 12am on a school night, yay.

Thankyou so much to @RoccoMemory for your feedback, i truly appreciate it, and i will definitely be using it when it comes to the editing stage, please leave more comments.

BrokenArrow96 :)