I could never be prepared for the sight which welcomed me as soon as I stepped foot inside the bar. There is Jonghyun alright, in all his handsome glory. But there's someone draping herself all over him. Some fucking whore.
Oh wait. That's not just any fucking whore. I think I saw her before. My eyebrows furrowed as I tried to remember where I saw that bitch—
Oh. Medusa.
"Taeyeon!"
I cringed as Jonghyun called my name, just when I was planning to turn around and make a clean escape. But I couldn't do that anymore, right? I'm already spotted so might as well face him—and the Medusa slut hanging on his arm.
Forcing a smile on my face, I greeted him with a too cheery "hi!"
To my utter surprise, he shrugged off the slut on his arm and hurried over to me. "I thought you're not coming. I was waiting for you."
Uh well. Make up and stuff took a little while longer than usual since I had to do it myself because Kibum mysteriously disappeared on me. But I can't exactly tell him that, can I? Fortunately—or should I say, unfortunately?—as I was thinking of an excuse, Medusa suddenly appeared beside Jonghyun and said, "Who's this Jjongie?"
Jjongie? Really? Fucking really? And stop touching his arm, you whore.
"Oh," Jonghyun jumped, seemingly surprise to see her there as if he forgot she even existed. If only I could laugh to her face. But of course I didn't. That's rude and Lee Taemin doesn't do rude, even if she is a fucking whore who's hair looks a lot like Medusa's, Lee Taemin would never be rude to her. Because Lee Taemin is a fucking angel.
"This is Taeyeon," Jonghyun smiled softly and I'm honestly surprised when he suddenly pulled me by the waist.
"Hi!" I said brightly, ignoring the fact that Jonghyun didn't introduce her name to me. He probably forgot. I hope he did. And because I'm not a rude monster, I extended my hand to shake hers. However, she totally ignored it—can you believe it? The bitch actually ignored me—and sneered at me instead.
"Taeyeon? Really? But you look strangely familiar."
I froze, a sick feeling settling in my gut. She can't have seen right through me. My cover is perfect. No one could have figured out.
Right?
I chuckled nervously and was about to drop my extended hand instead, when she suddenly grabbed it and shook it with much fervor. "Or maybe not. I'm Tiffany by the way," she said with a strange smile.
I swallowed thickly and flinched under her touch. I want out. I want to run away. This girl—she fucking knows and she's going to blow my cover. Shit.
The last thing I want is for Jonghyun to hate me.
I pulled my hand away. And turning to Jonghyun, I forced a look of indifference even though my heart is pounding so loud in my chest, I won't be surprised if people heard it over the loud booming music.
"Listen Jonghyun. I need to go," I said hurriedly, panic obvious in my voice but I chose to ignore it.
"Already? You just got here. Oh wait here, I'm going to get you ladies something to drink," he said, a small smile on his face as he turned and left.
"Wait, but—" I sighed and dropped my unfinished sentence because Jonghyun is already too far anyway to hear me.
So now, I'm left with Medusa. Just ignore her. Ignore her. Ignore her.
"Lee Taemin."
Fuck.
No.
"That freshman kid who always hangs around Kim Kibum." There's a small smirk playing on her lips.
Fuck. Flying Fuck.
"But I wonder what little Taeminnie is doing in a club and pretending to be a girl, no less." Her eyes are piercing right through me and it fucking scares me. I couldn't utter a word, let alone move a single muscle. There's a sick feeling in my gut and I really want to throw up. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest and I could barely feel my legs. Shit.
"What's wrong Taeminnie? Are you sick? You look so pale."
Still smirking.
The way she says my name makes me feel nauseous.
I could hardly breathe.
"Listen kid, I don't know what you're trying to prove but stop playing with Jonghyun's feelings," she dropped the smirk and instead there's seriousness and a trace of anger in her eyes. I shivered under her glare.
"You might think this is all just a fucking game, but Jonghyun... The way he smiles at you is different. So stop fooling him."
Suddenly, the place felt too cramped, the pounding in my chest too loud, my vision too blurry, my knees too wobbly, and—
"Shit Taeyeon, are you alright?"
Jonghyun is by my side all of a sudden, holding me so close that I can smell his minty aftershave.
"Jjongie why don't you take her outside? It's too hot in here, she must be feeling sick." I could vaguely make out Tiffany's words. All I can feel is the hard pounding in my chest and Jonghyun's arms, nice and warm around me. Almost soothing.
We walked out of the club, Jonghyun supporting half of my weight. I shivered as soon as the cold breeze slapped my face. Jonghyun took off his jacket, gently draping it around my shivering form before pulling me close again.
It's warm. Too warm.
"I'll take you home," he whispered in my ear.
"N-no, I don't want to go home," I croaked.
"Fine, I'll just take you to my house alright?" I nodded as he helped me climb on his motorbike. I wrapped my arms around him as soon as he's also settled.
He's warm. Too warm.
I rested my head on his back and unconsciously tightened my hold on him. I could feel him humming as we sped off. It felt nice.
Please. Just let me have this for a little longer.
Please.
---
I woke up to something heavy and warm wrapped around me, like a blanket—but different. I snuggled closer to it, thinking that I could drown in its soothing heat. I like this feeling. I could live with this forever.
It wasn't until I heard a soft grunt in my ear that I was jolted to full consciousness. It was right then that I became aware of the unfamiliar room I'm in, of the unfamiliar bed I'm lying on, and of the unfamiliar warmth blanketing me.
I turned on my side and stifled a gasp as Jonghyun's sleeping face greeted me. I briefly remembered falling asleep on his couch as he fussed about making tea for me. He must have carried me to his room.
His face is so close to mine that there are only a couple of inches separating us. I could count his eyelashes and feel his warm breath on my face. If I move a little bit closer, our lips would brush. And for a fleeting moment I allowed myself to indulge. I softly pressed my lips against his—so soft that I barely felt it. But it was enough for me to burn in the warmth of his lips.
As soon as my lips left his, his eyes fluttered open and I felt the breath was stolen out of me. He smiled and my entire world froze. It felt like a switch in me had been turned off. Everything stilled. I couldn't feel nor think. All I know is I'm lost in the moment.
"You're awake?" he slurred and just like that my entire world is in full swing once again.
"Y-yeah. I need to go home. I just—"
I gasped when he pulled me closer to his chest and whispered, "Stay."
"J-jonghyun," I tried to struggle against his embrace but his hold on me tightened instead.
"Please stay."
The silence which followed is comforting so I stopped struggling and closed my eyes, nuzzling in to the warmth of his chest and allowing myself to succumb into sleep once again.
---
When I woke up again, the sun was just breaking through the horizon, basking the room in semi-darkness. Jonghyun's arms are still wrapped tightly around me but the warmth is gone. Instead, there is an uneasy feeling in the pit of my gut and I know it has something to do with Tiffany's words last night.
"You might think this is all just a fucking game, but Jonghyun... The way he smiles at you is different. So stop fooling him."
Silly me. This should only be a little devious plan to get Jonghyun to notice me. And even have sex with him if I'm lucky.
But maybe.
Maybe I've come to like him more than I would like to admit.
Sighing softly, I slipped out of his embrace and left.
I'm sorry, Jonghyun.
---
"Taeminnie~"
"What, Kibum?" I snapped, tired of Kibum's whining for the past half hour.
"Why do you think Jinki would ignore me like that?" Kibum said with a pout.
"Maybe he didn't hear you. Probably," I answered half heartedly.
The other boy shook his head, "No that can't be it. I know he heard me. We made eye-contact before he went ahead and ignored me. I mean, who the fuck does he think he is? No one ignores Kim Kibum."
I slammed my book shut, tired of this conversation already. "I'm going ahead."
"What's wrong with you Taemin? Why are you so grumpy today?"
I waved my hand at him, good bye, before leaving the library. However I know Kibum is right. What is wrong with me, really?
The guilt is eating me up and it's slowly making me hate myself. If Jonghyun ever finds out that I'm fooling him into thinking that I'm a girl, I don't know if I'll be able to live with the rejection and disgust that would come with it. Why can't I have some magic dust or a fucking fairy godmother who can turn me into a real girl with a flick of her wand?
Fine, I'm gay and all but never in my whole life did I wish to be a girl. Heck, I even hated it when they made me take female roles in school plays. But right now, I fucking hate Lee Taemin. I really do. I'm so much better being Taeyeon.
At least Jonghyun likes me when I'm her.
"Whoa whoa watch where you're going!"
I was jolted out of my reverie when I almost bumped into someone. Luckily, that someone swerved at just the right moment, avoiding a rather painful collision. Unluckily, that someone is the last person I want to see today.
"Oh banana boy!" Jonghyun's smile is so bright, it's almost blinding.
I swallowed thickly before muttering a barely audible, "Hi."
Jonghyun didn't seem to notice my uneasiness though, "I'm so glad I bumped into you. I was looking for you all day."
"W-what?" Okay, that caught me off guard. I mean, did Jonghyun just say he was looking for me? Really?
"Yeah I wanted to thank you for yesterday. I would have never passed that history paper on time if it wasn't for you."
"Oh."
"Yeah! So are you on your way home?" he asked eagerly.
"Yes."
"Great! I'll treat you to ice cream, come on." He grabbed me by the shoulders before I could even utter a word of protest.
"Wait... wait," I said, trying to stop him from dragging me, "I have some after school activities you know."
"You're lying. You go straight home every day. You don't have after school activities," he said as if it's the truth. Well maybe it is but Jonghyun shouldn't know that right? So how—
"How do you know that?"
"I just do. I know everything," he winked at me before dragging me out of the school gates. I sighed deeply, resigning to my rather unfortunate fate. If this happened a couple of days ago, I would be totally ecstatic. I mean, spending the afternoon with my Adonis is a dream-come-true. But right now, I want nothing more than to crawl under my blanket, hiding from Jonghyun and the guilt weighing me down.
---
We walked to the ice cream parlour a couple of blocks away. I don't have a big thing for ice cream but as soon as we stepped inside, Jonghyun's eyes lit up like a how a little kid does on Christmas day. It was actually pretty endearing, the way he couldn't decide on what flavour to choose as if it's the biggest life decision he has to make.
"I want strawberry... but strawberry is too plain don't you think? Hmm, mint chocolate chip is nice too but I don't know. I think I'll just get a coffee crumble. But I really want a double dutch too. Ugh this is too hard. I don't know what to get..."
I giggled softly as Jonghyun kept muttering under his breath, ignoring the line starting to grow longer behind him because he's taking too long to place his order.
"Jonghyun, why don't you just get everything you want?" I suggested, hating to interrupt his rather child-like moment. It was cute as fuck but the people in the line are becoming restless.
"I don't think that's a good idea. I can't finish it all," he shook his head and frowned.
I sighed, "Fine, I'll help you finish it. Just get everything."
"Really?" the way his eyes went all big and sparkly made it hard to say no. (Plus it literally took my breath away so I could only manage a slow nod in reply to his question).
Five gruelling minutes—of how Jonghyun can't keep still and whining about how his ice cream is taking too long—later, we settled in one of the small booths, a rather large bowl of different flavoured ice cream sitting in between us.
Jonghyun licked his lips in delight and started digging in. "Hmmm~ this tastes like heaven."
I chuckled, "I'm sure it does."
Jonghyun frowned and handed me a spoon, "Why are you not eating yet? It tastes like sex. Try it!"
I giggled at the amusing comparison, "That good huh?"
He nodded excitedly—which somehow reminded me of those little toy puppies on the dashboard of cars. But that's so not the point right now.
Anyway, I hesitantly took a taste of the treat. Jonghyun is all over me as soon as the spoon touched my lips, "So so so how is it?" He asked excitedly and I couldn't bring myself to cringe in disgust at the too sweet treat. So instead, I forced a smile and said, "Not bad."
"It's delicious right?" he said with a wide grin, not waiting for my reply before digging in again. For a while, I watched how the smile on his lips seems to grow bigger every time he took a spoonful of the cold confection. He really looks like a fucking kid and it's taking all of my self control to not squeal at how cute he is.
We stayed silent, but soon my mouth betrayed me and voiced out what was going on in my head. "Your image in school seems different..." I trailed off.
He raised an eyebrow at me, spoon still in his mouth (shit, too cute) before asking, "What do you mean?"
I stuttered to answer him, "I-I mean, you seem so bad ass at school. You know, what with all the girls hanging around you. And that big motorbike. But here you are nomming on ice cream like a little kid."
He giggled, the sound catching me off guard as I momentarily got lost in it. "I just tend to be like this when I eat ice cream," he moved closer and stage whispered, "Just don't tell anyone at school though. It might lose me some chicks."
I smiled softly before ducking my head and forcing myself to have another spoonful. To be completely honest I like this side of Jonghyun better. Well, I like all sides of Jonghyun, but this one tugs strongest at my heartstrings.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked softly.
Ok. That caught me by surprised. I blushed, beet red and answered in a breathless voice, "N-nothing." I can't exactly say that I was thinking of him, right?
He pointed the tip of his spoon at me and smirked, "You have this silly grin on your face. Come on tell me!"
"It's really nothing," I blushed, avoiding his gaze. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw his face coming closer to mine. When I finally braved to look at him again, I gasped. His face is mere inches from mine. Too close.
Too. Fucking. Close.
"J-Jonghyun. What are you—"
"Banana boy," he whispered, voice slightly husky. I could feel his warm breath brushing against my lips and the sweet scent of different flavoured ice cream wafting through my nostrils. Oh my fucking god. Is he going to kiss me? Because I swear to god I'm going to melt faster than that stupid ice cream and there's gonna be a Taemin-with-cherry-on-top ice cream flavour on the menu if he doesn't move away soon.
Fuck. He's moving closer. I closed my eyes, mentally preparing myself. After a beat or two, I heard a soft chuckle. My eyes flew open to find Jonghyun back in his seat, giggling behind his hand.
"You thought I was going to kiss you," he stated more than asked. I blushed a furious red, I could rival tomatoes.
"No—of course not!"
"You so do! Don't try to deny it."
I threw my hands up, "Ugh you know what? I'm going home."
A hand on my wrist stopped me before I could even stand up. I turned to see Jonghyun pouting at me, "Hey wait I was just teasing you and I'm not yet done eating."
Stupid fucking pout.
"Fine, just hurry up," I said with an annoyed huff, settling back into my seat once again.
Jonghyun smiled at me, grateful, before taking another spoonful of ice cream.
"You're not eating," he stated, quirking an eyebrow at my direction. Sighing in resignation, I took another spoonful. I know Jonghyun is watching me closely so I made a show of swallowing the treat in delight.
When I met his eyes again, he's looking at me seriously.
"Jonghyun what—"
"You're too pretty for a boy, you know."
I froze. Ok what the hell. Where did that come from?
"You actually remind me of this girl I know."
I stopped breathing.
"Now that I think about it, you look so much like her and if you tell me that you two are the same person, I might actually believe it."
Fuck.
---
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck. I muttered curses under my breath as I paced my room back and forth. I know I'm panicking and it's never good when I do, but I can't help it. My secret is almost busted—thankfully, I could come up with a somewhat decent excuse of how it's all in his mind before running off—but I know it's only a matter of time before Jonghyun figures out the truth. And I can't have him figuring it all out.
"FUCK!" I screamed in frustration before grabbing my jacket and running off to Kibum's place. Kibum would know what to do. He always does.
Without bothering to knock, I plucked out the spare key from one of the flower pots and silently let myself inside. I've been to his place too many times that I've already breeched the polite gesture of knocking. I usually just barge in whenever I want.
As I stepped in the living room, an unusual silence welcomed me, indicating that Kibum isn't home. My face fell and I was about to let out a string of profanities out of frustration when a slight noise coming from the bedroom caught my attention. I smiled to myself. Maybe my best friend is cleaning his closet again or something.
I hurried to the bedroom and flung the door wide open, ready to rant until my mouth bleeds, "Kibum hyung I need help! Jonghyun almost figured out and—WHAT THE FUCK!"
The two figures on the bed jumped in surprised.
I rubbed my eyes, not quite believing what I'm seeing.
There is Kibum, alright.
But he's not alone.
There's another person on top of him—a very naked Jinki on top of him.
On. Fucking. Top. Of. Kim. Kibum.
Oh, and Kibum is moaning.
He is fucking moaning.
Let me die.
---
Whenever I'm upset, a bottle of banana milk would always calm me down. However, as I sat on the couch, with Kibum beside me, my favourite drink is doing very little to relax my nerves.
"Explain," I said stiffly, holding my banana milk tightly.
"Taemin I swear it's not what it looks like," Kibum hurriedly stood up and made wild motions with his hand, probably to deny the scene I had just witnessed earlier.
I raised an eyebrow and fixed him with an intense glare. Kibum heaved a deep sigh before collapsing back on the couch, "Fine. It is exactly what it looks like."
Silence followed and when Kibum refused to say anything more, I threw daggers at him once again, telling without words to carry on explaining or I will fucking castrate him. He huffed, annoyed, but continued talking nonetheless.
"You know how I'm so bothered that Jinki ignored me today right?" I nodded, remembering his whining earlier in the library.
"Well, I cornered him after you left. So I asked him why he's ignoring me and he went all dramatic on me. And we sort of ended up confessing to each other. Then one thing led to another and that's where you come in."
We were silent for a while. No I'm not angry at my best friend—just surprised. Who wouldn't be after catching them in that position? I shivered as the image flashed in my head once again. Yup, I'm definitely scarred for the rest of my life.
"Taemin?" Kibum said in a small, insecure voice. He's probably bracing himself for my reaction.
I turned to look at him with a small smirk on my lips, "I always knew you are gay."
His ears turned red, "Hey! I'm not gay!"
"Really?"
A beat of silence.
"Well, maybe a little," Kibum answered hesitantly.
I raised an eyebrow at him.
"Ok fine. A lot. Happy?" he threw his hands up in the air.
I shrugged. "Well I totally didn't see that coming. I mean, you being gay and all," mockery evident in my voice.
"Me neither," Kibum said without even a small trace of sarcasm.
"You're kidding right?" I asked, surprised.
"What?" Kibum said, eyebrows knitting in confusion.
"You mean you seriously believed you're straight all along?"
"Yes," he answered matter-of-factly.
I rolled my eyes at him. Kibum is the gayest of all (look at his pink fingernails if you don't believe me). How he even convinced himself that he was straight is beyond me.
"Bummie," Jinki walked out of Kibum's room, thankfully clothed this time. "I need to go meet up with Minho."
Kibum pouted, and mind you, it's not the usual pout. This one seems a little bit on the flirtatious side. I cringed in disgust. I so don't want to see my best friend like this, thank you very much.
Jinki placed a kiss on Kibum's pouted lips.
Fucking ew.
"I'll call you tonight, Bummie."
"Okay, bye baby. Take care ok?"
Baby? Really?
Kibum stood up from the couch and walked Jinki to the door. When he got back, he flopped down beside me and asked, "So what do you want to talk about? This should be important enough to interrupt my sexy time with Jinki."
"Eeeeewwww," I screamed, cringing in disgust.
"Don't go all virgin on me Taemin. You and I know very well that you're not."
Well, I can't deny that I had my fair share of sexual experiences but still—"Eeeewwww."
Kibum crossed his arms in irritation, "You're impossible. If you don't talk now, I'm going to sleep instead." He made a show of standing up but I grabbed him before he can do so and pulled him back on the couch.
"Fine fine, I'll talk."
"Good. Well?" Key said impatiently. I took a deep breath and braced myself for what I'm about to say.
"I'll stop seeing Jonghyun," I said softly.
Kibum fell off the couch in surprise and sputtered, "W-what?"
Well, to be perfectly honest I'm just as surprised as he is. It was a decision made the moment I opened my mouth to speak. However, as the last of my words echoed in the now silent room, I become more and more convinced that it's the right thing to do.
"It's just a matter of time before he figures out that Taeyeon isn't who he thinks she really is. So it makes perfect sense to just stop now before his feelings start to grow stronger. It would just hurt him more if I keep up with this so I figured, I should just stop," I shrugged, nonchalant. I'm amazed at how emotionless I am right now, despite my heart screaming and trashing around in my chest.
"But you like him! A lot." Kibum added the last part as an afterthought and it sent a wave of pain in my heart. The back of my eyes are starting to sting with tears. Shit. I don't want some waterworks right now, oh god please no.
"I really don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to dress up as a girl and seduce him. I mean, it's not like he's gonna like me, Lee Taemin. He likes Taeyeon for fuck's sake and Taeyeon isn't even real."
"If he really likes Taeyeon, he should like Taemin too. They're the same person, right? What difference does it makes? They're both you," Kibum said softly, as if he's trying to make me understand. But no, right now he's the one who can't understand. I shook my head at him.
"Kibum you don't get it. He calls me banana boy. He never bothered to ask for my name. Can't you see? He's. Not. Interested. In. Lee. Taemin." I said the last part slowly and put emphasis on each word, hoping that Kibum would see it the way I do.
Kibum heaved a deep sigh before flopping down on the couch, "Taemin, you know sometimes I'm worried at what little credit you give yourself."
I shrugged, dead set on my decision.
He turned to me and ruffled my hair affectionately, "I give up. You won't listen to me anyway. You like to do things your own way. I just hope this won't hurt you in the end."
I smiled at him—a fake one—before I let my head fall on his shoulder. It's already hurting me, but I lived the last eighteen years of my life without Jonghyun. I think I can survive the remaining whatever years left without him.
Or at least, I really hope I do.
---
I stopped going to the club. I hid all the makeup, accessories, and dresses in the back of my closet. I wanted to burn them, to be honest, but I thought of Kibum and his gold credit card, so I buried everything in my closet instead.
Sometimes, at night, I would lie awake, thinking of what Jonghyun could be doing right at that moment. Is he in the club, dancing, drinking, and flirting? Or is he missing the pretty girl with hair extensions and fake boobs? Is he even thinking about her?
And then I would get up, open my closet, and pull out everything Taeyeon owns—the pink dress, the shoes, the tight-fitting mini skirt, the red lipstick, everything. I want to shred them all to pieces.
But I never do. Instead, I would fall on my knees, stare at the clothes around me, and silently hate Taeyeon for giving me a taste of something I can never have.
I'm so fucking pathetic.
---
Avoiding Jonghyun at school proved to be a much harder task than I thought it would be. It seemed like Jonghyun is everywhere—near my locker in the mornings when I come to get my books and in the afternoons when I return them, in the hallways when I walk to my next class, in the library when I'm trying to get some studying done before going home, and even in the bathroom when I'm taking a piss. And every time I would see him, he will call out to me, "Yo banana boy," and give me that smile.
That fucking smile.
It pisses me off to no end, really. Because duh, someone here is trying to forget you so could you please just stop being everywhere and giving him a harder time to move on? Seriously.
And what pisses me more is that not only Jonghyun seems to be everywhere, Jinki is too. Well, I figured it's because Kibum is always around me, that's why. But I don't need this lovey dovey couple rubbing it on my face that they're a lovey dovey couple. Because duh, it's fucking disgusting watching your best friend and his boyfriend eating each other's faces while you're eating your lunch.
"Kibum you're fucking high on my gay-o-meter right now so could you please hold back a bit, I'm trying to finish my sandwich, thanks," I grumbled as the two were going at it again right in front of me. A boy could only take so much.
"Fuck you, Taemin. I'm not gay," Kibum said, turning to face me for a second before going back to eating his boyfriend's face.
"Well fuck you too, my gay-o-meter tells me you're the gayest of them all."
He gave me the finger. His pink nails have glitters on them today, I noticed.
"Yo banana boy!"
Oh great. I turned around to be greeted by Jonghyun's beaming face.
"Hey," I said, almost a whisper because I think I just lost the air in my lungs. He smiled at me again before going on, a trail of girls with stars in their eyes following him.
Fucking Adonis and his fucking smile.
I sighed before going back to my lunch, sulking about how unfair life is. However before I can take a bite, a loud moan met my ears.
Fucking Kibum and his fucking boyfriend.
I need a decent friend and a decent love life.
---
After a week of Jonghyun being almost everywhere and messing up with my mind, I came up with the perfect plan to successfully avoid him. Well, he's where I would be right? So I figured I should change my routine, and then maybe I won't bump into him.
So I started coming to class a little later, getting my books five minutes after the bell rings. Of course Jonghyun is not there. Heck, no other soul is in the hallways anymore, except maybe those kids who are on their way to the roof to smoke weed.
I would also take my time walking to my next class, so I won't bump into him on the hallways. Of course I would come in late to my classes, but I figured it's worth the scolding I got. I stopped going to the library and I would go home later than usual so I won't see him near my locker.
It all worked out in the end and I had successfully avoided him for a week. The only time I get to see him is during lunch, while he's seated at his usual spot, surrounded by flocks of girls. Sometimes, I would hear him calling me, but I would ignore him, pretending I didn't hear him. It sort of hurts when he calls me banana boy. I have a fucking name. A name he didn't ever bother knowing. So I guess it's better that I ignore him and focus on my lunch instead. Kibum is ignoring me too, but I guess that's because he's busy moaning his boyfriend's name.
After some time, Jonghyun stopped calling me. He won't even smile at me when our eyes would meet in the cafeteria. He would just give me this blank stare before looking at somewhere else. Well, that hurts a little.
I also went back to my daily routine when one of my teachers threatened to fail me if I come late to his class again. Jonghyun, I noticed, stopped hanging around my locker, or in the hallways.
---
So it came as a surprise when I came home one day to find Jonghyun sitting on my front porch, hugging his backpack close to his chest, fidgeting, and looking strangely... nervous?
"W-what are you doing h-here?" I stuttered, eyes going wide in surprise, because you don't just see Adonis lounging around your porch and waiting for you to come home.
"I want to talk to you," he said, staring at me with those big eyes. "Please."
Wait. Is it just me or did he really just say 'please'? Oh god forbid, is he begging me?
"I—I uhm—I—wait, come in first." Yes because I don't fucking know what else to say. And there's this small thought at the back of my mind that I'm dreaming and my alarm clock should go off soon and wake me up before I drown in his fucking eyes. That, or I'm schizophrenic and my mind is making everything up.
I won't be surprised if it's the latter, to be quite honest.
---
It's sort of embarrassing when I handed him the bottle of banana milk, muttering under my breath, "Sorry there's nothing else in the fridge, unless you want water instead—"
A low chuckle cut me off and I lifted my head to see him staring at the drink with amusement in his eyes. "It figures you would only have banana milk in your fridge, banana boy."
There it is again. That annoying nickname.
"Stop calling me that, Jonghyun. I have a name, you know," I grumbled under my breath as I took a seat beside him on the couch, making sure that there's a safe distance between us.
He turned to me, eyes still twinkling in amusement, "Of course I know."
There's something in me that flared up at that. Maybe it was the pent up frustrations and insecurities. Maybe because I really want to hear him say my name. Or maybe because I am indeed schizophrenic. I really didn't have time to figure out what exactly it was before I said in an almost accusing and quite bitter tone, "Yeah you know I have a name but you never asked for it."
He chuckled again, the sound almost pissing me off but still making my heart flutter. The feeling is confusing, really.
"Why would I ask about something I already know?" he asked, a small smirk gracing his lips.
My head snapped up at that. "What?"
"Lee Taemin."
Oh.
Oh.
"You... knew?" I asked, mouth agape, because Kim Fucking Adonis Jonghyun didn't just say my real name, did he?
"Of course I knew," he shrugged, as if saying my name is the most normal thing to do. Because no, it's not fucking normal. Kim Fucking Adonis Jonghyun doesn't remember names, at least not someone who doesn't mean much to him anyway. Like, me for example. I am beginning to believe that I really have schizophrenia.
A heavy silence hung between us as I was busy contemplating ways on how to confess to Kibum that I might be schizophrenic while he was busy playing with his fingers, fidgeting on his seat, tapping his foot incessantly, and taking deep heavy breaths. Wait, is he nervous?
Oh my god. He is nervous.
"Look—" we both said at the same time, and I swear my face just turned scarlet.
"You go first," I said in a small voice, because I really don't have anything to say.
"A-alright. Uhm." He shifted awkwardly, eyes boring holes on the floor, "You—you were avoiding me."
It wasn't a question.
"I'm not!" I said, too quickly. Because Jonghyun didn't just say what I thought he said, right? There's no way in hell that Kim Fucking Adonis Jonghyun would care if I'm avoiding him or not.
"Well, you always ignore me when I call you at school," he said in an almost accusing tone. I would think he's angry, if his voice is not so soft and so full of insecurities.
"I did not!" there it is again, the too quick answer. My mouth is working faster and my brain can't catch up, because seriously, this conversation is not happening right now.
Oh god, I'm really fucking crazy and they're going to put me in an asylum and—
"And you stopped showing up at the club."
"I did no—wait... what are you talking about?"
He turned to look at me, eyes full of insecurities. But why would he be? Kim Fucking Adonis Jonghyun does not do insecure. He is always strutting his stuff, like he owns the place. He's the most confident guy in the entire fucking universe.
So why is he so nervous?
"The club remember? You don't go anymore. I always look forward to seeing you there but these past weeks you haven't been showing up. What's wrong? Is it something I did? Tell me please, because I really don't want to fuck up things between us," he said with eyes so wide, almost pleading.
"J-jonghyun, you—you knew?" I asked, mouth agape. Because... because... no, I don't know a fucking thing anymore.
"Knew what?"
"Knew that... that I'm... I'm..." Taeyeon. I couldn't say it.
"That you're Taeyeon? Of course I know," he said with a tone of nonchalance as if... as if... it doesn't bother him.
"And—and you're okay with it?" I asked, now avoiding his eyes, because I don't think I would be able to handle it if I see even a small trace of disgust in his face.
"Okay with what? That you dressed up as a girl and tried to fool me? Taemin it never bothered me. The moment I saw Taeyeon, I knew it was you."
"H-how?"
A soft chuckle. "Well, your Adam's apple is pretty obvious, for one. And I can sort of feel your junk when we dance," he added, blushing madly. I swear my face is the same dark shade of red as his.
"B-but Kibum said no one would be able to tell I'm a boy," I said, a bit too defensive.
"Uhm, Taemin, I don't think you should believe everything Kibum says. He tells everyone he's not gay but he wears pink glittery nail polish and he shamelessly kisses his boyfriend in front of everyone. And I think I even saw him putting on eyeliner and carrying a make-up bag once."
"Oh."
"But you're pretty. Really pretty. I mean, for a boy and... uh... yeah..." he trailed off. And there he is again, boring holes on the ground and fidgeting on his seat.
"Oh."
Maybe if I don't believe I'm schizophrenic right now, I would be screaming and flailing and smashing furniture in pure happiness. Jonghyun just said I'm pretty. Not Taeyeon. But me. Thank god I'm schizophrenic, my mom's furniture is safe and I just settled for blushing madly.
"So—so why are you avoiding me?" Jonghyun asked in a small voice.
"I—I was scared you know. I was scared that you would freak out when you find out that Taeyeon is me and you would hate me for the rest of forever," I muttered slowly.
"But I don't hate you. And I knew from the start that you were Taeyeon. I mean, if you're always looking at someone long enough you would memorize everything about them so even if they dress up as a girl or a hobo or whatever, you would still know it's them. Oh god this makes me sound like a creeper. But uhm yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
"You—you mean you were always looking at me?" I asked in disbelief.
"Yeah."
"So all those times—near my locker, the hallways, the library. It wasn't a coincidence?"
"If you say it like that, you make me sound like a creeper," he said with a small pout on his lips.
Kim Fucking Adonis Jonghyun didn't just admit to being my stalker. No. No. No. I'm too shocked for my brain to function properly right now. I just need answers.
"But why didn't you say anything? I mean, at the club. You knew I'm not really a girl so why didn't you just mention it?"
If it's possible for humans to turn the darkest shade of red without exploding, I swear my eyes aren't deceiving me when Jonghyun's face took an impossible red color. "Okay uhm, don't hate me alright? But it was pretty amusing. I mean, you wearing a dress and make-up and all. It sorts of turns me on. And... and for some reason it's easier to talk to you when you're a girl. Don't get me wrong. It's just that at school, you're this pretty kid who always hangs out with Kibum. I mean, I feel like I'm not worth your time so I never really got the courage to talk to you. Well, that is until you approach me at the club. That's when I felt like maybe you like me too. Oh god now I sound narcissistic, but I swear I'm not! It's just that... just, I really like you. A lot. And I really don't know how to start a conversation with you. It's not like I can approach you at school and say, hi there I'm Jonghyun and I like you a lot so would you go out with me. No, I don't have the guts to do that. But you came to the club, all dress up like a girl and you were talking to me. But then you stopped coming and you started to ignore me at school too. That hurts a lot and I thought maybe, maybe I did something wrong and now you hate me. Oh my god I'm rambling right? You probably didn't understand a thing and I won't be surprised if I'm not making sense right n—ah never mind. Just, just—oh god, I like you alright? There I said it," he said, closing his eyes in embarrassment.
"Oh. Oh." Oh shit.
"Yeah," he whispered.
"Jonghyun, does that TV looks like a TV to you?"
His eyes flew open and turned to stare at me in confusion. "Uhm, yes?"
"Good. So does that table looks like a table to you?"
"Taemin what—"
"Just answer me please."
"Yes."
"Okay so does that vase looks like a vase to you."
"Uhm yeah."
"So I'm not schizophrenic right?"
"What are you talking about, Taemin?"
"You just said you like me. Maybe, maybe it's my brain making it all up," I said, voice laced with doubt.
"Oh no. It's not just your brain. I—I really like you," he said, his eyes now staring right at mine. Shit. I'm going to drown in them.
"Oh. Oh okay. Because uhm I like you too, I guess," No I don't just guess. I fucking like you a lot. A whole lot more than you could ever imagine.
"You do?" a small smile tugging at his lips.
"Yup. So uhm, yeah can we—can we kiss now?"
He blushed and moved closer to me on the couch. Closer and closer. Until our faces were mere inches apart, I can feel his hot breathe against my lips. Shit. Did I just ask him to kiss me? No that can't be it. I swear I said it in my head.
He smiled nervously, "Uhm this—this is my first time doing this, to be honest."
"Kissing?" I asked in surprise. Oh I really did ask him to kiss me. Well, shit.
"No, I mean... I mean kissing a guy," he looked down, avoiding my eyes.
"It's not the first. You kissed me on your couch remember?"
"Oh uhm, but that's different."
"How is it different?
"This is. This is you right now. I mean, it's Lee Taemin right now, the guy I really, really like."
For some reason, those words made me strangely happy. But he's never been with a guy. I cringed at the thought. What if I disappoint him? What if this isn't really what he wants?
Too many what ifs are going around in my head but it all boils down to one thing: What if I'm just some sort of experiment to him? Like, let's try and see what's being with a guy is like. If I didn't like it, I can always throw him away, anyway. I know my insecurities are starting to get the better out of me again. Kibum told me once that I have this bad habit of creating monsters in my head. But I can't help it. I mean, this isn't some fairytale wherein I get to have my happily ever after. There's a catch. There would always be a catch and I have to be prepared for it.
There's also this small voice at the back of my head, telling me that Jonghyun won't stay. Isn't he like that to begin with anyway? He jumps from girl to girl. But this time, he wants to try it out with a guy. And of course, what better option does he have than Lee Taemin who's almost throwing himself at him? The thought hurts.
But I really like him. So much. Too much, that I blindly leaned forward, eyelids fluttering close, noses bumping softly, and finally lips meeting in a somewhat awkward kiss. It's obvious that this is his first time with a guy. He's stiff as a rock and the tension hanging in the air is thick, I could almost touch it.
I pulled back a little, only so much that I could whisper softly against his lips, "Relax." This seemed to do the trick because as soon as I said it, the tension disappeared and he leaned forward to catch my lips once again.
This time fireworks exploded, the heaven opened up, and angels started to sing. You know those cliché shit. But I'm not kidding when I say that time froze and my world stopped spinning right at that moment. There were no tongues and teeth. Just lips pressed against lips but it's enough for butterflies to dance in my stomach.
It was very brief and we both pulled back after a second or two, grinning softly at each other. And then before I can stop myself, I leaned forward once again for another kiss. It caught him by surprise, gasping, and I took that opportunity to slip my tongue in his mouth, desperately wanting to taste him.
Our tongues met and danced with each other. My taste buds exploded with minty sweetness that is exquisitely Jonghyun's own flavour.
I felt his strong arms encircling my small waist, pulling me closer until I'm on his lap, bodies pressed flushed against each other. My hands travelled to his nape, playing with his soft hair as we both got lost in the kiss. He started nibbling my bottom lip and my toes curled in pleasure. I can feel him smiling into the kiss. Or maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's the both of us. I can't really tell but when we pulled back, slightly dizzy from lack of oxygen in our lungs, there's a twin smile on our lips.
If only I have the power to freeze time, I would because everything is just so perfect in that moment.
But alas, Lee Taemin's life is not fucking perfection. A rather loud ring broke the trance we were in. I picked up the phone and was greeted by my gay best friend, asking me if he should change his pink nail polish to red because it's getting old already.
Stupid fucking Kibum.
---
"So are you guys dating now, or what?" Kibum asked while munching on his sandwich.
I blushed furiously and muttered under my breath, "I guess."
It's the day after The Confession, as I would like to call it, and I'm sitting on my usual place in the cafeteria with Kibum in front of me. But quite surprisingly, Jinki is nowhere to be seen.
"Where's your boyfriend, Kibum?"
He heaved a deep sigh and a pout slowly formed on his lips, "He's busy. You know what with college entrance exams coming up. He gets a lot of pressure from his dad so he spends all his time studying. I miss him."
I can feel the snarky comment at the tip of my tongue, wanting to be let out. But I restrained myself for the sake of the sad and lost look on my best friend's eyes. You see, I'm not that much of a mean person. So I just hummed and took another sip of my banana milk. But my face fell in disappointment when I realized that the bottle is already empty. I want more milk.
"Hey Taemin." That voice. I froze.
A tray of food was placed on the table and from the corner of my eyes, I saw Jonghyun taking the seat beside mine. He grinned at me. I blushed and forced myself to look at him, smiling, albeit awkwardly.
Everything was nervous awkwardness between us after The Kiss. As soon as I put down the phone, it was all stuttering and awkward goodbye's and I'll call you's after. I wanted to steal a kiss before he left, but for some reason, my body felt like jelly and I couldn't even look at him.
"Hi Jonghyun, fancy seeing you here at our table," Kibum said with a smirk. That bastard.
Jonghyun returned the smirk, "Yeah I wanted to eat lunch with my boyfriend."
My ears turned red. Boyfriend? Did he just fucking say I'm his boyfriend? Oh god.
"Taemin, you don't mind that I eat with you, right?" he turned to look at me with a small hopeful smile.
"N-no of course I don't." He beamed at me and I stopped breathing.
"Whoa Jonghyun. You have so much food on your tray. Are you a pig or something?" Kibum teased. I glanced at Jonghyun's tray and indeed, it's full, and there is a bottle of banana milk. I eyed it hungrily.
To my utter surprise, Jonghyun took the bottle and handed it to me. "For you," he said softly. I blushed and took it from him while muttering a small thanks.
"I've always wanted to feed Taemin. He eats so little so I thought I'd spoil him with a lot of food," Jonghyun gestured at his tray full of food. Kibum cooed but I swear I hear mockery in his tone.
"Thanks," I said softly. I felt one of his hands touch mine under the table and gave it a small squeeze. And then he grabbed a sandwich and started unwrapping. He offered it to me so I took a small bite. I swear the smile he gave me while I chewed the food is one of the sweetest I've seen.
"Jjongie you're not going to eat with us?" a high-pitch annoying voice met my ears and I turn around to see Jonghyun's usual fanclub, staring at us with raised eyebrows. I noticed some of them were glaring at me and I can help but shrink a little in my seat.
Jonghyun flashed them a smile—the same sweet smile he gave me and a surge of jealousy run through my veins. "No, sorry girls. I'm eating with him today," he said, nodding at my direction.
"Oh who's this kid?" a somewhat familiar voice said from among the flock of girls, and with horror, I realized that it's Tiffany.
"Him? Uhm—" Jonghyun's eyes met mine and for a moment I saw a hint of fear and nervousness in them before he turned his attention back to Tiffany. "—He's my uhm, friend," He smiled sheepishly and avoided my eyes.
"Aww that's too bad Jjongie. We'll see you later then," one of the girls said, I'm not exactly sure who because of the words ringing loudly in my ears, "He's my uhm, friend."
Well, it hurts, yeah. But it's not like I can force Jonghyun to introduce me to his friends as his boyfriend. Maybe he's ashamed of me. I mean, I'm gay for fuck's sake. I'm used to people making fun of me every now and then. Even my parents abandoned me, pretending to care by calling once a month. And most of my relationships were kept in secret anyway. Like, seriously, it's not as if Jonghyun would be any different. I'm not exactly the best person to be called someone's boyfriend. I understand where he's coming from. I really do. It just hurts a little. But that's alright. Jonghyun is smiling at me again. That sweet smile I like so much. As long as he's smiling like that, I'm okay.
"Friend?" Kibum scoffed.
Jonghyun glanced at me, apology obvious in his eyes, "I'm sorry Taemin, it's just that—"
"No, no it's alright Jonghyun," I said with a weak smile. "I understand." Because I really do.
