"Taemin, you're not going home yet?" Kibum asked me with a knowing smirk. "Waiting for your boyfriend huh?"
"Don't call him that, Kibum," I sighed.
"Why not?" Kibum said as he sat down beside me. I'm in the school courtyard, waiting for Jonghyun because he told me earlier that he wanted to walk me home. My heart won't stop fluttering since he told me that. So here I am, sitting alone and waiting for him, until Kibum came. It's sort of cold out here and it's been almost an hour since school let out. I wonder where Jonghyun could be. I sighed again.
"Because I don't think he would appreciate it if I flaunt around that we're together."
"Why not?" Kibum asked once again, confusion in his eyes.
"Look, hyung, Jonghyun was straight until he met me. Well, I think he is still straight, you know. Maybe, maybe he's just experimenting with me. Trying to see what it's like to be with another guy and stuff..." I trailed off.
"What are you talking about, Taemin?"
"What I mean is that Jonghyun might not even be serious with our relationship so it's best not to brag around that we're together. I mean, just in case he decides to break up with me, I don't need people pitying me, you know," I said with just a small trace of bitterness in my tone.
"What the flying fuck, Taemin? You can't be serious with what you just said," Kibum said in obvious annoyance. I gave him a weak smile.
"You listen to me young man. I swear to god if that idiot breaks your heart, I would chop off his dick and—"
"Hyung!" I cut him off before he can continue with his morbid narration. "I'm okay, don't worry. It's not like I'm serious with him either. I mean, I know from the start that he's probably not serious with me. He's a player, remember? I'm not stupid. It's not like I would let myself fall for him to the point that I would cut myself and do all those emo shit if he breaks up with me. It's alright. I'm alright. In the end, neither of us gets hurt, trust me."
Kibum gave me a doubtful look. But that look didn't last long because Jinki came, catching Kibum by the waist and giving him a hug before turning to me and smiling in acknowledgement.
"Well we should be going now but we can stay for a few more minutes until Jonghyun comes, right babe? I don't want to leave Taemin here alone," Kibum asked his boyfriend with pleading eyes. But before Jinki can answer, I shooed the couple away. Assuring Kibum that I'm fine waiting on my own and begging him to spare me the torture of watching them make out in front of me.
It took a couple of prodding but finally Kibum gave up and the two left, hand in hand, without a care about who's shooting them disgusted looks. I envy them, really. Jonghyun and I have been together for almost a week now, but we haven't held hands like that. To be honest, this is the first time he's walking me home and I'm quite excited about it. Maybe, he'll hold my hand while we're walking. I blushed at the thought.
It's not until another half hour later that Jonghyun came, panting heavily and cheeks flushed red. It's obvious that he's been running.
"I'm sorry, Taemin. I was in detention. I wanted to text you but that bitch, Ms. Lim, has a hawk's eye. I can't even bring out my phone because that's another thirty minutes to my detention if she catches me. And I really want to get out of there as soon as possible because I uhm... I want to see you already." He blushed as he said those last words and whatever bitter feelings I had while watching Jinki and Kibum holding hands disappeared in thin air. Right now, there's nothing else but an unexplainable bubble of euphoria in my heart at the thought of Jonghyun blushing madly for admitting he missed me.
Oh god, my Adonis is the cutest fucking thing in the entire universe.
"It's alright. I wasn't waiting long." Lies. Lee Taemin you're one hell of a liar.
Jonghyun's worried face broke into a grin, "That's good. I don't want to make you wait in this cold."
"Oh is it cold? I didn't notice," I said, feigning a look of shocked innocence.
Jonghyun chuckled softly. "Yeah you didn't and you're shivering like crazy." He took off his jacket and draped it around my thin frame. If I was cold before, now I'm totally warm from the blush coloring my cheeks.
"Thanks," I muttered softly.
He grinned at me, face equally as red as mine, "No problem. Let's go."
We walked in silence, close to each other and shoulders brushing but never really touching. More than once, I caught myself looking at his hands swinging by his side. I bet they would be soft and warm around mine.
I really want to hold him. Slowly, I tried to reach out but halfway through, I panicked. Maybe Jonghyun won't like it if I suddenly grab his hand like that. So I let my own hand fall lifelessly beside me.
"What's wrong, Taemin?" I looked up. He's staring at me with a worried expression on his face.
"Nothing. I'm fine," I lied.
---
Jonghyun has taken a habit of walking me home from school every day. And we would always take a detour—sometimes stopping by the ice cream parlour he loves so much, or the arcade place and we would play until our coins run out. Sometimes we would be fooling around on the sidewalk, talking, playing and laughing, and then I would realize that I took a whole hour before I got home.
One time, we stopped by a small playground near my house. I remember spending most of my childhood there. I often went alone, silently jealous of the other kids with their moms because my own mother is too busy to accompany me. I'm fine with it. But sometimes when the big kids step on the sand castle I worked hard to built, I would cry and wish for my mom to come comfort me. However, she never came. So instead, I would hide under the slide where no one can see me and cry until I fall asleep. When I wake up, it would be dark. But I would feel a little bit happy at the thought that at least there's dinner waiting for me at home. Even if I have to heat it up and eat it alone, at least my mom cooked it for me.
I told these and more to Jonghyun. I was surprised when he suddenly pulled me with him under the slide. The small space is cramped for two grownups. But it was a perfect excuse for our bodies to be pressed flushed against each other. I fought hard the blush threatening to creep on my cheeks as I feel Jonghyun's warm breath on my nape.
"Hmm so this is where little Taeminnie would cry," he said softly, a fond smile on his lips. And that's where we shared our second kiss.
It was already dark by the time we decided to crawl out of our small hiding place. Our lips are both swollen and there's a twin blush on our cheeks. The day couldn't get any more perfect. But as we walk home, the street now empty, he suddenly grabbed my hand and held it tightly. It was the first time he held my hand like that and he never let go until we were in front of my house. And that's where we shared our third kiss.
---
The first time Jonghyun asked me to go out on a date he was all awkward smiles and nervous shuffling. I just got out of my last class when I saw him standing by my locker, nervously twiddling with his fingers. It was a pretty amusing sight actually—the great Kim Fucking Adonis Jonghyun is a nervous wreck, blushing furiously, biting his lip, and fidgeting uncontrollably. It was like he's confessing to me all over again. It warmed my heart to an impossible degree and I suddenly have this strange urge to squish his cheeks and keep him in my pocket forever.
It's one of those rare moments when I felt like Jonghyun is truly mine, like he's seriously and helplessly in love with me.
Our first date was the usual cliché shit but my heart won't stop fluttering, the butterflies in my stomach won't stop dancing, the angels in my ears won't stop singing, and—er, uhm you get the picture.
He picked me up at home and we walked to the mall. When I asked him why we didn't take the bus, he blushed and muttered something about being more romantic this way. There was a silly smile on my face all the way to the mall. Even though he didn't hold my hand as we walked, I was too elated that I barely noticed it.
We went to see some chick flick, sharing popcorn and a large soda between us. Halfway through the movie, I felt something warm enveloping my hand. When I looked down, I saw Jonghyun's hand on top of mine. I blushed and slowly intertwined my fingers with his.
There was a small smile on his lips when I looked up.
After the movie, we went to grab lunch. To my slight disappointment, he let go of my hand when we walked out of the theatre. But that's alright because he was all sweet smiles during lunch. He made me take big bites of hamburger, muttering about how I need to eat more because I'm too skinny. It was heart warming to see Jonghyun getting flustered and worried over me like that. And the heavens once again opened up and the angels began to sing.
After lunch, we walked around the mall, fooling around and laughing at silly displays. He made me wear this cute bunny headband. His face was so close to mine when he placed it on my head. If there weren't too many people around us I would have leaned closer and kissed him. But it seemed like Jonghyun had the same thought running in his head because not a second after he placed the headband on me, he suddenly pulled me in to a nearby dressing room and stole a kiss. It was very quick but it left us both with a blush on our cheeks. We caught each other's gazes, and as if on instinct, we both leaned at the exact time and caught each other's lips once again. This kiss lasted longer than the first and it left us both panting for breath. By the time we made our way out of the dressing room, we're both sporting swollen lips and red cheeks. The saleslady gave us a strange look but we shrugged it off with loud giggles. And a stupid voice at the back of my head told me that I might have fallen a little bit more for him.
That night we ended up on his couch, snuggled close and contently listening to each other's heartbeat.
---
Spending every day with Jonghyun feels perfect. But of course, my life isn't.
We were waiting on the bus stop, tired and spent from our date—a lunch in the park and he brought his guitar, singing for me all afternoon—to even walk all the way home, when about five girls came up to us. One of them, I noticed, was Tiffany. She gave me this strange look before turning her full attention to Jonghyun. The girls were all whining like crazy and it's seriously irritating me to no end.
"Oppa, you haven't been hanging out with us lately," one of them said with a pout. A fucking pout. Bitch you're not cute. Ugh.
"Where have you been, Jonghyunnie? We missed you." Get your filthy hands off my boyfriend, whore.
"Yeah, it's not the same without you, oppa." I swear I'm going to cut these bitches and feed them to pigs.
"Eh, I'm sorry girls. I was uhm, busy with other... stuff," Jonghyun said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Stuff? Yeah, right.
"Girls come on you're all whining like babies." I was surprised when Tiffany suddenly stepped forward and pried off the bitches draped all over my boyfriend.
"I'm sorry for bothering you, Jonghyun. It looks like you're busy with your... friend," she shot me that strange look again. "So we'll go ahead now, right girls?" The others responded with a yes, although a bit reluctant.
"We'll see you at school Jonghyun," she said in a sickening sweet tone and to my utter horror, she leaned forward and kissed Jonghyun's lips.
She fucking kissed my boyfriend.
What the flying fuck.
I was too stunned to move. But when it dawned on me that Jonghyun is not pushing her away, fear and sadness clenched my heart painfully. I'm going to lose him like this. He's going to realize that I'm just this boring gay kid who wasted his time and he's going to leave me for these whores.
I felt hot tears stinging at the back of my eyes and I swallowed the painful lump in my throat, desperately trying to hold myself together. I can't break down in front of him.
Fortunately, the bus came at that exact moment. I quickly boarded, not bothering to look back if Jonghyun followed me or not. All I can hear is the loud shattering of my heart.
I took a seat at the far back, biting my lower lip in an effort to stop the tears from falling. I won't cry. I told Kibum I won't get hurt, right? And besides, it's not as if I wasn't expecting this. My boyfriend is a player for god's sake. Why would he even settle for me? I knew what I was getting into when I decided to be with him.
But still, it fucking hurts like a bitch.
A minute or two later, I felt the seat next to me sinking and the familiar sweet minty scent invaded my nostrils. I'm pretty surprised he followed me on the bus. I thought he would want to stay behind and have a good time with those whores.
It wasn't until I felt his hand on top of mine that I noticed I was shaking really badly.
"You alright, baby?"
Baby. It was the first time he called me that. It made my heart flutter in happiness but it also clenched painfully at the same time. The tears I tried desperately to hold back started to flow freely down my cheeks. Oh god, I'm crying over a stupid pet name. Damn.
I felt his thumb softly brushing off my tears, but I pushed him away and frantically wiped the tears with my own hands instead.
"I'm alright," I said, voice breaking.
"Hey hey look at me. You're not alright. That kiss bothered you, didn't it? I want to push her away but I was too stunned. I swear it meant nothing," he said, a hint of desperation in his voice.
I felt more tears leaving my eyes despite my effort to stop them. "T-tell me Jonghyun, when we kissed, did it even mean anything to you at all?"
"What are you talking about? It means everything to me."
"Why do I find that hard to believe?" I said bitterly.
"Taemin—"
"Please don't follow me. I just want to be alone." I stood up and got off the bus, running to the playground I knew too well and crawling under the slide.
I felt like a little kid again, hiding from those big bullies who ruined my sand castle and crying alone while wishing for my mom to comfort me. I'm so pathetic.
I wish there's my mom's dinner to look forward to when I come home. It always made me feel better when I was a kid. But my parents are in some other ass continent I don't even know. When I come home, there would be nothing waiting for me. No one.
The thought hurts a lot so I stopped holding back and cried everything out, here in this small space where no one would hear my painful sobs.
---
"Thank god I found you."
A warm voice pulled me out of the slumber I didn't even realize I've fallen in. I could feel the dried tear tracks on my face. I probably fell asleep while crying.
"Taemin."
I looked up at the sound of that familiar voice. "Go away," I whispered weakly, burying my head in between my knees and hugging my legs closer.
"Do you even know how worried I was?" I flinched at the undeniable anger in his tone. "You're not answering my calls, and you're not at home either. I went around the whole town looking for you, damn it!" He was fuming in anger and it scared me. It's the first time I saw him so angry like this.
I shuffled farther back in the cramped space, trying to curl in the smallest ball I can manage. I whimpered in fear when I felt him crawl inside and sit beside me. I just want him to go away and let me cry here in silence.
"Taemin," he said in a soft pleading voice. It was so gentle, totally contrasting the angry tone he has earlier. "I'm sorry I shouted. I was just really worried, you know."
I felt a warm hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off. The touch is burning on my skin, reminding me of how painful it is to be this close to him. And then I realized that I lied to Kibum. 'In the end, no one gets hurt.'
My heart hurts so much.
"Why would you even be worried, Jonghyun? I get it, you might think you like me but that's not it," I said, voice slightly muffled.
"What do you mean?"
"You don't really like me."
"How would you even know what I feel?" he said stiffly.
"I... I just do. So please just leave me alone," I begged, voice cracking.
He heaved a deep sigh but made no effort to leave. It was silent for a minute or two until he broke it. "Look, let me tell you a secret."
I didn't respond but I just hugged my legs even closer and tried to move farther away from him, as much as the small space would let possible.
"It was about a year and a half ago when I first saw that pretty kid hanging around Kibum. He looks so pure and innocent and just damn. He's just too beautiful ok? And I'm just. I'm just me. The guy who gets into fights, skips school, gets into detention every fucking day. You know, just me. I feel like I'm not worth anything," he said bitterly.
"That pretty kid is so perfect in my eyes. And I'm so messed up, I doubt if he would even spare me a glance. So I just settled on watching him from afar. I sound like a creeper, but I guess only a creeper would memorize his daily schedule and would even go as far as to follow him home."
I stifled a gasp. Jonghyun probably noticed it because he chuckled, as if the idea of him being a creeper is amusing. Well, I guess it is.
"I know. Creepy, right? I really like him a lot though, but I'm so scared that I'll never be good enough for him. I really want to talk to him but I'm a coward. So imagine my surprise when that kid came to me during a party and called me Adonis. It was so funny but I realized, maybe. Maybe I have a chance with him. And then he shows up in front of me, dressed like a girl. I tried to play it cool, but damn I'm a nervous wreck. Even at school, I tried to be cool around him, pretending that I don't know him even if I do—even if I knew who he is for more than a year already."
"Then one day, I saw him in the library and I don't know. I suddenly felt brave knowing that he thinks I'm like Adonis. So I pretended I needed this book for some shit paper just so I can talk to him and spend some time with him."
I froze, barely breathing. Jonghyun's confession is slowly taking the air away from me. There's just no way that he liked me that much. No fucking way.
"But when I finally got my chance, I messed up really bad," he said, full of sadness. "Look, Taemin, I really don't want to lose you. Please believe me when I say that I like you. A whole fucking lot. You're the only person who made me feel so nervous and all that shit. And I never really believed in relationships and commitments but. But you make me feel so afraid to lose you. I can't lose you. I don't want to lose you." There's so much desperation in his voice.
"Hey," I said in an almost whisper, heart beating furiously. "Will you... will you carry me home? I'm so tired."
He gave me a tight-lipped smile before nodding.
---
His back feels so warm and strong against my chest. His sweet scent is invading my nostrils, making me feel fuzzy inside. It reminds me of that time I rode on the back of his motorbike. I embraced him tighter, feeling the hands on my thighs shift so I won't fall from his back.
"Jonghyun?"
"Hmm?"
"If that kiss meant nothing to you, why did you tell those girls that I'm just your friend?"
I felt him stiffen in my hold. I'm almost afraid of the answer but I need to hear it.
"Those girls, and Tiffany, you don't know what they're capable of. I'm afraid of what they might do to you if they find out we're together. I can't protect you all the time even if I want to. And I don't know if I can handle it if I ever see you get hurt because of me," he said softly.
"I'm a man too, you know. Even if I'm gay, I'm not fragile. I'm not going to break easily," I said indignantly.
"I know. But just, just let me worry for you, alright? I don't want to take risks."
I pouted, "Is that also the reason why you won't hold my hand?"
"Yeah, those girls might see us," he admitted guiltily. "I'm sorry. Does it bother you?"
"I really want to hold your hand, so yeah I guess it does bother me a bit," I said shyly.
"I'm a terrible boyfriend. I don't deserve you at all." The bitterness in his tone sent a painful pang to my heart. "I won't hold your hand because I'm scared of those damn girls. And I even made you cry. Seriously, I don't deserve you. But... but even if I don't. Taemin, please know that I really like you a lot."
I smiled softly, "I know now. Thank you." I placed a chaste kiss on his nape. "And if it makes you feel better, I've always thought that I'm not good enough for you. That's why I dressed up as a girl. It's silly I know but at that time the idea seemed great. Seduce Adonis with my big tits. It was a fool-proof plan."
We both giggled hard.
"Yeah those were the biggest boobs I've ever seen in my entire life."
"Same here actually. I don't know where Kibum got those," I laughed.
"But Taemin, please never think that you're not good enough. You're perfect," he said softly.
We were silent after that. Letting the blanket of stars above us speak for the warmth and joy we both feel inside. All the doubt clouding my mind seemed to clear away with Jonghyun's confession. He likes me longer than I do. He really likes me a lot.
Somehow, I've stopped thinking of him as my Adonis. The stupid wall I've built around him because of the idea that he's the unattainable Adonis seemed to shatter like glass. He's my Jonghyun now.
"Jonghyun?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I might be in love with you," I whispered softly. It was silent for a while but I could feel his smile even if I can't see it.
"Yeah me too." And everything is perfect.
End.
