Rewound {PTX}

Morning

Comments are life. Just post whatever's going through your head as you read.

I regret telling Kevin I wouldn't try to go back. I want to go right now. He's worth listening to, though. I should talk to Scott first, and I should sleep on it. If I can get any sleep...

I can't.

I engage in a staring match with the ceiling. It was just a dream, it tells me. It wasn't real.

"Yeah."

It can't have been. You died.

"Probably."

Scott died.

"Maybe."

Or maybe not. Who knows? Maybe he lived.

I take a moment to reassure myself that I can move without hurting myself, then throw off my duvet and go to Scott's room. I stand outside the door, but I don't knock. We just got back today. Well, yesterday, technically, but it's not a good time. I go downstairs instead. I'll watch TV to distract myself from my thoughts, and if I'm lucky, I'll drift off.

The TV is already on. It's all but muted, and someone is watching a movie with a stark, bluish-gray aesthetic. The actor's nose is bleeding, and, as far as I can tell, he's mad that his handwriting is ugly. It's probably Scott watching, but it's hard enough telling him apart from Alex when the light's on, we're face-to-face, and I'm wearing contacts.

"Hey," I say, leaning down so my head is next to his. It's definitely Scott. "You're watching my TV."

"I'll go."

"No, no, I was just teasing!"

"Oh, I know, but you can have it. I should give you space."

"I'm sorry. That was for Kevin's sake, not mine." And now he's been up all night worrying about me. "I'm sorry. I want to talk to you." I climb over the back of the couch and sit next to him. "What's on your mind?"

"I'm trying to understand what it's like for you. I can't even fathom it."

I'll explain every last detail. I'd rather talk to Scott about this than to my ceiling. "We finished the album and we were up late listening to it. I fell asleep. I feel awful about that now. They worked so hard on it and I just fell asleep while we were listening to it because it's all old news to me. Scott woke me up to drive me home, but I fell asleep again in the car. I should have realized he'd be tired too. It was so late. I didn't even... I woke up when we crashed. There was an airbag in my face and we crashed hard enough that I broke some ribs. I couldn't breathe or move without hurting myself. I'm fairly sure one or both of my lungs collapsed. I was panting for air and it was making it worse. You know, I'll just skip the details and say it hurt worse than giving birth without anesthetics. I don't know if I passed out from oxygen depravation or pain. That's when I came back to 2015. It was while we were on the plane."

"You gasped like you were breathing for the first time, and I ignored it because I was reading, and then you ordered two vodkas. I can see why now."

"You were right to stop me. If I try to solve this with alcohol, my liver won't survive it, and I don't want anything to do with the transplant waiting list." I've already died prematurely once. I don't want to do that to anyone again. "For a second, it was like I was halfway back again. I was in the plane still, but I felt all the pain from my other body. That's when I lost it."

"It was terrifying. You were so upset and I had no idea why, except that maybe something was happening in 2011."

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's my fault. I screwed up and I don't blame you for taking to Kevin instead."

Scott still doesn't know Kevin came from the future. All he sees is that I didn't tell him anything on the plane, that I shut myself in my room when we got home, that he found me screaming and crying in the driveway, and that I told him the bare minimum and left to talk to Kevin instead, telling him to stay away as I went. "When did you screw up? You haven't done anything wrong."

"When? When I told you I wanted you to stay. Before that, when I lied to you about going back. Before that, I don't even know. I must have said something wrong, though, because you never told me the pills were dangerous. You didn't even tell me there were pills at all; I only knew because Kevin mentioned them. You didn't explain that you could get trapped in 2011 when you found out."

"First, I'm not holding anything you've said against you. None of it makes me want to talk to you any less. Second, you can't blame me for not telling you I accidentally took pills that could have killed me. You'd freak out. As for explaining other things, I can't really do that without telling you someone else's secret that I only know because I went back in time." I'm making it sound like I discovered the secret in 2011, which isn't the case, but what I said is technically true. Kevin told me he's from the future because I went back to 2011. I didn't tell Scott everything Kevin explained to me about time travel because then I would have to explain how I know. "The bottom line is that I still want to talk to you. I have to talk to you. Scott, what would you do if I died?"

"Cry for a million years, probably."

"I need a real answer."

"Oh. Right. I honestly don't know. It'll basically be the same as anyone dying, right? Only worse by a factor of a thousand. Talk to someone who lost a spouse or a twin, and maybe they can tell you what it's like. I don't care about what 2011 Scott's going through, though. It's you I'm worried about. You died."

"Kind of. I felt it again on the plane, like I said, and then I went back again-"

"No!"

"It was worse the second time, but I called 911-"

"You mean you went back on purpose?"

"Kevin told me not to. We were worried about what might happen if I died. I would probably be fine in 2015 if I died in 2011 without diverging into two of me first, but there's no way to be sure. For all I know, I already have died in 2011, and that's why I came back. If that's the case, I won't be able to return there. I didn't mean to go back that time, but I would have if I had to decide."

"Why?"

"It was a bad accident. Scott wasn't making a sound, and it was early in the morning, so it might have been a long time before someone called it in. I want him to be safe."

"It sounds like he's already dead. How could you risk your life for him?"

"Because he's Scott."

"So am I. Don't leave me."

"I dreamt he was asking me to wake up."

"You did. You belong right here." I fall asleep on his shoulder and I don't awaken until he sweeps back my hair and hums, "Good morning." Just "Good morning."