Rewound {PTX}

Marshmallows

"I'm sorry," Kevin says. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Shhh, shhh, it's okay. It's okay. You can tell me. I'll understand." It will tear me apart, but I need his perspective before I make a final decision about going back. Also, he needs to tell someone. I'm not sure he ever has before.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. This isn't about me and my four-year-old problems."

"Cassandra is a beautiful name." I speak in my most soothing, melodic voice. He needs to know I understand and I'm on his side. "Cassandra Olusola. Dr. Cassandra Olusola, am I right?"

"Yes," he breathes. "Cas."

"Cas. I bet she's wonderful. The kind of person you could talk to all day. The kind of person you always want to be around. I bet she's talented too. She works hard and she's great at what she does."

"Unparalleled."

"She's out there somewhere. She knows you're safe and she knows you're making a happy life for yourself. Her friends are looking after her. She's in good hands." His breathing is heavy and uneven. "She misses you every bit as much as you miss her. She's happy, though, and she's living each day to the fullest, just like you. You two are too strong to be broken."

He sniffles and then sobs outright. I slide on the nearest pair of shoes. I'm going to his apartment. "I didn't know..." He pauses to control his voice. "I didn't know how much I needed to hear that said out loud. I tell myself all the time, but it sounds true when you say it. Thank you."

"I'm coming over. I need you to tell me everything."

The moment I put my hands in the wheel, though, I'm not sure if I can do this. Deep breath. Turn the keys. I'll be fine. I won't crash. I won't be hit. Turn on the headlights. It's only dusk. It's not dark yet. I can stay the night at Kevin's on the squishy yellow sofa if I don't want to drive back until morning. Check the mirrors. It's just a ten-minute drive. Shift into reverse. Did Scott die instantly? Look out the back window. Did he see it coming? Release the brake. Release the brake. Come on. Release the brake. You can do it. Did he feel pain? Did he feel what I felt?

Did he make it?

Is he going to live?

Will he be like Cas, left behind in another world?

I struggle against myself for ten minutes before I can let my foot off the brake. The moment my car moves, ~I'm still again, and then I'm gasping through my blood, coughing, convulsing, and killing myself for air. It hurts more than I remembered, not because I forgot, but because I'm getting worse with every second. I pull out my phone. If I could scream, I would. Just twisting a few degrees to free it is tortuous. I can feel myself passing out again. Slide to unlock. Emergency call. I squint at the numbers. I can't make them out. Everything is dotted and gray and quickly fading. 9-1-1, I think, based on the positions. Speakerphone, I hope.

"Nine-one-one. What'sszzzzzhsszz-" My ears aren't working any better than my eyes now. I'm clinging to conscious by my fingernails. I want to turn to look at Scott, but it's probably for the best that I can't see. ~I grip the steering wheel and gasp again with relief. I push the brake back down firmly and slowly. I shift into park, pull the keys out, and climb slowly out of the car. I have to remind myself before each movement that I won't hurt myself in this body.

"Can't drive," I text Kevin. I curl into an egg in the driveway and try to shut everything out, but my phone vibrates.

"On my way," says Kevin. He'll be here in ten minutes. Meanwhile, I rock back and forth a little and scream and dissolve yet again into tears. It was good I couldn't look at Scott. He can't have been conscious. There was probably blood. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to tell, or maybe it would have been horribly obvious.

I feel a hand rest on my shoulder. It's too soon for Kevin to be here. Scott's crouching down, taking my hand, helping me up, wrapping my arms around his neck, carrying me inside, resting me on the couch, and ordering our housemates around. "Justin, hot chocolate. Alex, blanket." I cry in Scott's shoulder and hug him extra tight. I don't know how to handle losing one Scott but still having the other.

"I'm dying." He's been more than patient. He needs to know what's happening. That came out wrong, though. I can tell by the way he squeezes me, like he's trying to keep me from being pulled away. I clarify quickly. "I was in a car crash in 2011. So was Scott. I don't know if he's okay."

The doorbell rings, and I stand to let Kevin in before Scott can stop me. "My room, Kevin. Scott, we'll need some time and space. And Justin, make that two hot chocolates please." Alex hands me a big, warm, fuzzy blanket, and I follow Kevin up the stairs.

Kevin laughs when I try to drape the blanket over him. "Sit," he chuckles. "This is for you. I'll be okay." He wraps me up like a caterpillar and looks me in the eye. "You'll be okay too. I can't stop you from trying to go back, but if you really want to, you need to tell Scott everything and then you need to sleep on it."

"I know what you're trying to do." He thinks I won't be willing to go back unless I can sneak away without telling Scott. He thinks I know, deep down, that it's the wrong decision. I would have done it, though. I would have told Scott, I would have slept on it, I would have thought about it as long as Kevin wanted, and then I would have gone back. I didn't have to make that decision, though. "It's too late. I was pulled back. I did everything I could, and then I was here again. I made it." Once again, I don't know if I'm dead or not, but at least I'm alive here. "I'm not going to try to go back again." I'm afraid that if I try, nothing will happen. I'm afraid that I'll succeed and I'll die there and I won't come back here. I'm afraid I'll go back and it will hurt for longer and I'll find out Scott didn't make it. I'm afraid I'll go back and Scott will be fine and I'll die in intensive care and come back here, knowing he had to live through that. Short of both of us surviving, nothing good can come of it.

"You're safe!"

"I'm safe."

"I have a therapist. It's how I've kept sane all these years. He, of course, thinks I'm off my rocker. I want you to talk to him, though. You need to have someone to confide in, and I'm too involved to be the one."

"Kirstie will be so glad I'm seeing someone. She thinks I'm crazy. Crazy in Love: That's her least favorite Beyoncé song. It's no wonder she never told me. That was her test to see if I could really time-travel. I know all her pre-2011 Beyoncé song preferences in ascending order. I haven't told her yet, though, and now I'm not sure I will."

"How else will you explain the hole in your heart?"

"Maybe she won't notice. You seemed happy in 2011. I had no idea what you were dealing with."

"I had a few weeks before the Sing-Off to process."

"Finals week doesn't count."

"It was good to keep busy. It's easier not to talk about it. It's just too hard to explain, and people wouldn't have any idea how to respond. I just moved on as fast as I could, and for me, it helped to stay busy."

"Does your girlfriend know?"

"I told her I was married before and I lost my wife in an accident. I'll explain more to her over time."

"You didn't go back."

"I had a bullet through my heart. I couldn't have done anything even if I had known how to go back. I wanted to, though. So much. But I'm glad that I didn't. I cherish this life now. I'm not the same person who left."

Justin knocks and serves us dark, rich hot chocolate with marshmallows. Kevin stays with me until I fall asleep.

"Mitch? Please wake up. Please wake up. Please. Please. Please. Please make it. You have to make it. Please... please." The voice is crying. I can't seem to do what it wants. "Good morning Mitch," it whispers. "It's 2011." I open my eyes and sit bolt upright, but there's nobody here. I'm alone.